z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone Violence

TAKEN- pt 2 in the I don't know how long yet series

by Whosabell


This is not happening. not happening!!! no,no,no!!!!!!! 

okay maybe it is. because I can feel everything.

and I've tried pinching. like I'm in a dream.

I don't know what I am doing. I scream, and it comes out as a wisp of air. 

then the car stops, making me lurch forward, involuntarily. I hit my head again, pain spreading through my skull.people get out, I hear voices. men's voices. I start to panic again.They open the trunk and a blast of early morning light comes through, making me blind which doesn't help because they blindfold me, the one guy acts quickly, then the other guy picks me up and puts me over his shoulder. and I scream. I mean really scream because the guy puts his hand on my back and I immediately freeze, my whole body going stiff. it was like he put me under a spell. it scared me out of my wits.we walk, for maybe ten minutes, then magic man, the guy who put his hand on my back, says,

"welcome home,Julia."

then everything falls, as a syringe is put in my neck...then I sleep.

2 years later...

"well, let's see, I have won, three times already, and you have won...zero." I say, mocking him.

"you cheated!" Brendan said, flabbergasted, sweating.

we were racing, trying to see who could run across the training room the fastest. he always said I cheated, and I always said okay. that was the normalises I have ever felt.

The story is, my parents are not my parents, they adopted me and never knew who my real parents were, they told me that, of course, by the time I was ten, and I wondered why I had hair the color of the sun, and them, the color of mud. they answered truthfully, sat me down, told me there was no difference, they still loved me, and they wanted to have kids for a long time but couldn't, and I was their miracle. there little jewel. Julie. then the men took me when I was fifteen, they took me from my own bed, and sent me to a camp for 6 months, where I met people just like me. Adopted, Kidnaped, then dumped, in a camp where we where to train, fight and study. then they would tell us. everything. but they took the rest of the kids after six months, and I had a special invitation to go to a school for... special people, like me. 

then I met my brother, Brendan.

END OF CHAPTER ONE...

Chapter Two- Stranger Danger

The wind pushed my hair back as tiny wisps of snow blanketed the ground. I held my ground against the forcing wind, knowing I needed to make it to my dorm in three minutes or I would freeze to death. But the unwillingness took over and I took a U-turn into the lunchroom. Immediately I smelled the turkey, and corn, and buttery, warm, perfectly mashed potatoes. My favorite after a long day training.. I took off my coat, and as I stepped into the firelit little room, I saw Brendan, crowded around with some higher up kids, by a fire, making jokes about something not of interest to me, so I walked off, trying to locate the goods that I smelled.

“So, Jew’s, are you going to ever take me up on that fight?” It was Brenden, in a black longsleeve that showed off his muscles well, he was in jeans and he still had his running shoes on, his hair, dark and wavy, was a floppy mess, and he had bags under his blue eyes. The bridge of his nose looked like a slide, going straight down, and his small lips pursed into a grin, enjoying my contemplating

“sure, why don't we go right now when it below eight?” I said sarcastically..

“Anytime Jewels, and hey, I think you have an admirer? Hes staring at you like your a piece of meat to a starving, sadistic dog.” He said it with malice but he didn't stop to look in the corner of the room. Somehow I knew where to look, turned around and I came face to face with an angel.

His gaze suddenly turned embarrassed as he saw me coming towards him, and god was it cute, even knowing he was undressing me with his eyes all the way accross the room.

He was five/eight maybe five seven, but I couldn't tell because he was sitting.

He had long large lips that drawed me in and suddenly left my heart feeling like they were going to explode. He had his hands crossed, and they were intricately covered in scars. and there is a tiny tattoo on his left thumb, which I can't make out. He has soft long wavy brown hair that was about to his ears, and badly needing to be cut.

He saw me coming and he panicked and he started to grab his stuff, and I realized with stupidity that the guy is twenty something and he is probably a guard, but he had no uniform, so hes still a stalker.

“hey!” I shout as I catch him just as he starts to walk away and he looked pissed.

“I know I look like a supermodel, buddy, but that doesn't mean you can stalk me! I really don't appreciate the ignoring mister, so be prepared for a ass kicking!” I sound crazy when I talk like this, Brenden says, I go “Full Jewel” or “Beast Mode” I don't doubt it.

He still ignores me and he starts to walk to on to a brick with yet another fireplace I hadn't noticed, Then he turns a corner into a little nook just big enough for reading and he moves to the door and goes out it swiftly and locks the door,to not do the ass kicking I suppose.

leaving me shouting and screaming obscenities at the door and trying to break it down like a freak with a jackhammer.I sigh then I pull away from the door and say one last time in peace, “ Okay, I’ll make peace, come out so we can talk please. No violence.” Which is new for me, and I haven't resulted to Peace secse I was fifteen.

He is in there for a minute or two, giving me a minute to calm down, I guess. Which I do need. I lean back in one of the chairs, and I close my eyes for a minute, trying to compose myself.

Then I hear a click, and he steps out, a solemn expression on his face, and he looks almost embarrassed.

I ask him to sit down when I finally realize it.

He looks familiar.

Almost...Magic…..

Magic Man……………..


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456 Reviews


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Tue Mar 10, 2015 11:28 pm
EternalRain wrote a review...



Hi, there.

So - interesting story concept here. The whole idea is quite nice and I like the storyline already. However, it is a little scattered and all over the place; at least to me, and that just might be because of the pace of the overall story, so slowing down a little would be nice (not too slow though!!).

The grammar could be improved a lot, it's pretty head-aching while reading, especially the easy to avoid mistakes like capitalizing the feat word of a sentence.

Magic Man……………..


This sentence includes way too many periods, you only need three for the 'dramatic pause' or 'more' effect. You almost don't need them, as well in the sentence above. Just read it in your head to see what sounds right to you .

I also wanted to point out the fact of your title - you really may not want to include that in it.You can just say 'I don't know how long the actual story will be yet' in the description, there is no need to write it in the title.

This is a nice start so far! Keep up the great work,
~ EternalRain ^.^




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767 Reviews


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Sat Mar 07, 2015 10:27 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello again.

Alright, so there's a bit more emotion here, which is good! A step in the right direction. Really, this and the last part should just be merged together. While the last part it a sort of introduction to everything that's going on here, the real meet of the story starts here, but it's really abrupt, and rushed. Throughout that one paragraph with everything happening at once, there aren't any thoughts or feelings, just the actions.

With the transition to 'two years later', I really left wondering why you included the first part to begin with. It doesn't feel like it adds anything to the story, only adding more confusion, and the time skip seems like a muh better place to begin. With that said, I would say the skip is not done to its fullest potential. Why? Because here you swap into another scene of some kind of 'camp' but then start laying all the information on to us. You want to hold off a little bit and give it to us as the story goes on, to give some reason for us to want to read on.

One really important thing that I see that's missing is the grammar here isn't the best, and grammar exists for a reason. The fact that most sentences aren't capitalized at the start of the sentence is one huge issue and another is some of the words used are incorrect. For instance, there was a point when "there" was used instead of "their". It may not seem like a big difference, but there is a reason they are different. (But that's mostly in the first part, so I would go back and edit that.)

The ending feels a little more rushed as well, with the man and everything, so I suggest you go through and slow that down. I was really confused what was happening. Did they go outside? Where did she chase him down to? How come she assumed the guy was stalking him? I don't quite understand all that.

Final thing, in the second half, there are a lot more description, which are really good, but be careful that they flow together and aren't just listed (like in the place when she was looking at the guy. His entire paragraph where he was described was entirely, "He had..." Spice it up some.)

Interesting start you have here. Another good start, and better than before. Don't stop improving! Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~




Whosabell says...


Thank You!!! I will improve my work, and try to be better.%uD83D%uDE01




Knowledge is power.
— Francis Bacon