I finally wake up. my eyes burn, my throat is like a giant ring of fire, I am sore all over and my muscles feel like jelly. I try to move but my feet and hands are bound tightly, and anyway my head is ringing. I cant breathe. I cant do anything. I don't even feel like i'm on auto pilot. Theirs barely any light in whatever i'm in, which seems to be a trunk- ouch! my head hits the top of the door and i roll on my back to make more room. the car starts to move down the road.
I remember talking to my friends, then going to bed and taking so long to go to sleep because the thing was nagging at my mind, finally, I let my heavy lids drop and I slept hard. that might explain why i'm in a car- sleeping medicine. the tiny blue pills my step mom takes that I stole.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hello there.
I see that this quite the tiny passage you have here, which makes it pretty difficult to review, but I'll try my best to go into depth. (I recommend that in future times you don't split it up because it's not easy to get into the writing this way and we don't get a good look at your style to point out what's wrong and what you're doing right, that we like.)
Your very first sentence isn't very captivating. It's really bland in the sense that if that were all I had to judge this work on, I'd put it down. Waking up can mean anything. Waking up in bed, in the trunk (as you have here) or waking up over a boiler. Give us a better hook and more imagery. Perhaps something like how the ground rocks beneath the narrator and that everything seems to move. Maybe they feel sick? That's how they tip off it's a car?
The very next sentence you have feels like a run-on sentence. And while you could leave it like that and be grammatically correct, it just seems like so much to cram into one sentence. Really draw out these feelings. Add some more figurative language into here to give us a really good sense on what's going on.
A lot of this feels scattered and all over the place since not everything really adds up. How does having their feet bound go with their head ringing? Make sure that there are flowing together and the thoughts make sense. For instance, back to the second sentence, when both the eyes and throat burn, that could be slipped into two different sentences, pushed together by that idea and then move down the body. Give the continuous flow to all the conditions.
Another thing that is lacking, add contributing to the missing bulk, is there isn't a lot of emotion in this. It almost seems like the narrator doesn't care that they are being kidnapped. The narration is very flat and they are just observing everything around them instead of reacting. Add in some loaded words that really show their feelings. Are they mad? Frustrated? Scared? Show us.
Perhaps also add some more inner thoughts of the narrator and use those to show emotions. If she's panicking, then perhaps have her thoughts scattered, jumping all over in an attempt to understand the situation. There's so much more that can be added to this, and I strongly recommend a good look over your grammar.
This is a good start, but work on bulking that up. Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
My bad. Posted twice.
This story had me very intrigued, but you had several capitalization and grammatical errors. If you look back through the passage, you'll notice that the beginning off several sentences were uncapitalized and the "I"'s were uncapitalized throughout the story.
Other than that, I had to stay the story was quite good. I hope you continue this. Great work!
Thank you all for your awesome reviews. I will work on my work.
Should be a capital 'M', as this is the start of a run-on. A run-on is when two sentences that are gramatically correct on their own are put together with incorrect punctuation. There are several instances where this is a problem. If you would like me to give you a list, PM me because I don't want to fill this review with corrections of the same problem.
Capitalise your i's!
This should be "can't", as should the one in the next sentence.
"Theirs" should be "There's".
Capital letter at the start of the sentence.
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Okay, onto plot stuff. I read on your wall that there are further parts to come but I have to say that this part is definitely small enough that you could put it all up as one. What you have here is the start of the setting up of a plot, and on its own that really doesn't do enough to hook me. I would suggest editing this so that it includes at least up to establishing the character's predicament and hinting at how they are going to escape it.
There isn't much personality coming through, but given the pace, that's probably okay for now. But I think in the second paragraph there should have been a lot more suggestion of who this person actually is. And the important word here is 'suggestion'. The final sentence doesn't leave a lot to the imagination, which is kind of the whole point of a last line when you're intending to post more parts.
Stuff you did right: Your pacing and flow are excellent and will appear that way once the punctuation is fixed. (The ouch should probably have its own paragraph, but definitely keep it). I won't expand on this because that won't do you much good, but again, feel free to PM me for clarification.
Also, why would sleeping medicine be the obvious cause that led to the character being in a car?
Hope this helps.
Craig
"my eyes burn, my throat is like a giant ring of fire, i am sore all over and my muscles feel like jelly."- Capitalize 'my' and 'I', there should be a comma after 'over'.
There should be an apostrophe in can't, 'Theirs' should be there's.
"because the thing was nagging at my mind,"- this confused me. What was nagging at his/her mind?
"I remember talking to my friends, then going to bed and taking so long to go to sleep because the thing was nagging at my mind, finally, I let my heavy lids drop and I slept hard."- This is a run-on. Try putting 'but' after 'mind," and before 'finally,".
I like the story. It keeps me on the edge of my seat, wondering what's going on.
I'd like to point out you didn't capitalize you're I in you first sentence when you review...
Oh, I was quoting from the passage. I don't know how to quote thing in the yellow box. How do you do that?
I'm not sure. but i'll ask someone.