Okay here it is. Revised and well, still not as good as it could be but better. I realized, after I posted the first version, it sucked. I could do better. Your reveiws were spot on and amazing. Thanks! I tried to fit in what you told me but *looks guilty* there were still some ideas I liked and kept rather than change. All comments are great! I can't wait to here what you think of the revised version! Special thanks to music and imperatrix, you guys were fantastic! You helped loads!
Prologue
A sink dripped in the distance, and the pitch black room smelled of mildew. I blinked repeatedly but my eyes were still unused to the unusal darkness around me.
I tried to stand but felt ropes cut into my ankles. They had drained my power and tied me down. I felt like crying although I knew it wouldn’t help me.
They were coming soon. Once they stole my memories they would know where Lucas was.
I struggled against the ropes. Lucas had to be kept safe. I stopped moving and reached down within myself, looking for even a glimpse of my power.
I found it. It was a flickering candle flame compared to my normal brilliant glow. I sighed, my body shaking, as reached for it. I had to save Lucas and if that cost me my life, then so be it.
I heard footsteps and laughter outside of door. I didn’t stop. This was my only chance. I used my power and burned away the ropes binding my wrists and ankles.
My weakened body drooped with fatigue, but I stood up anyway. I ran for my only means of escape. The door. My finger had almost reached the silver handle when it opened. The light blinded me for a moment, but that was all it took.
Someone tackled me and sent me flying across the room. The ground hit my back with enough force to take my breath away.
“You’re a persistent one,” the man grunted.
I glared at him. There was no way I was going to find a way out of here so there was only one other choice. It was almost funny how well I took the decision. I had feared this all my life but now, when it was finally happening, I welcomed it.
With this choice, Lucas would be safe. He would live a normal life, unaware of all of this. He would have the life I always wanted. He would have a life away from me.
I smiled at the man as a sort of farewell gesture. Where I was going, no one could read my thoughts or steal my memories.
The man, realizing what I was doing, gasped in shock and horror. I shook my head. It was already done. I was dying.
Chapter 1
I walked down the hallway of my new school. I kept my head down and used my tiny size to my advantage, hiding and maneuvering between students. My black curls hung like sheets, blocking my face from view. I dodged into the classroom and took a seat in the back.
The worst thing about going to a new school is the attention. It’s two times worse for me because I can actually hear what they’re thinking. The bell rang and students piled in through the door.
“Well isn’t this a pleasant surprise,” the teacher said, in a nasally, too happy voice. He looked at me and motioned for me to join him in front of the class. I took a deep breath, calming myself, and walked slowly up in front of the students.
“I’m Mr. Johnston. Now you go on and introduce yourself sweetheart,” he encouraged.
“I’m Michaela Starborough,” I said, looking at my feet. “I moved here from California.”
Thoughts filled the air, crashing all around me at once. They were just as superficial and envious as they were in my other classes. Guys were staring at me like I was some sort of prize, while their girlfriends said some rather vulgar things about me. I ignored it. I’d been hearing those kinds of thoughts all day. Honestly, the boys in the class just thought I was a easy target. They weren't really interested.
I walked back to my seat and tried to ignore the heat in my cheeks. This had to be the worst day ever.
“Hey Michaela,” a boy said from behind me.
“Hi,” I replied, turning to look at him. He had white blonde hair that hung into intelligent deep green eyes.
“I’m Lucas,” the boy smiled. His smile was amazing. I turned away from him, dazed.
Mr. Johnston droned on while girls threw murderous glares at me. I tried to slide down in my chair but I still felt them. This was going to be a long school year.
The bell rang a sound that grated on my nerves, signaling lunch and everyone dashed out the classroom. Everybody was excited, except me of course. I had been dreading it all day. I thought about the movies I’d watched, about girls who had to eat in the bathroom on their first day of school. I grimaced and walked out of the door.
“Hey Michaela, wait up,” the boy from my English class called. I turned and saw Lucas running towards me. “I was going to ask you if you wanted to eat lunch with me today. That is, of course, if you weren’t planning on sitting with someone else.”
“No. You’re the only one who has so much as talked to me. I’m just glad that I won’t have to sit in the ladies room,” I blushed. Why did I say that? Lucas laughed, embarrassing me further. I listened to his thoughts wondering what he really thought of me.
‘Like she would really have to sit in a bathroom, from what I’ve heard she’s going to be the center of attention for awhile. I just hope I don’t screw up too much in front of her, she seems really nice.’
Before I had a chance to decipher what he meant, he spoke again, cutting into my thoughts.
“Most of the people here don’t like newcomers. They’re scared of them. They think that you’ll bring change to our small town,” Lucas rolled his eyes at this. “My Dad always said that you can’t fight change. It comes with time.”
We entered the lunch room, navigating our way though the cluster students loitering around, and gossiping with friends. I followed Lucas and bought a slice of pizza. We sat at a little booth with another guy and girl. They smiled at us in a friendly way, making me feel comfortable for once since I’ve arrived.
“This is Michaela,” Lucas said, after I sat beside him.
“Hey Michaela, I’m Christina and this is Myles,” the girl said, jerking her thumb over at the boy. I smiled and nodded.
Christina’s thoughts were organized and well under control. Although she thought I was conceited, she also thought I was okay, but I could tell that she didn’t trust me. That’s fine. She shouldn’t.
Myles, on the other hand, had his thoughts jumbled and carelessly arranged. He thought I was ‘hot’ and he was going to wish Lucas luck. I grit my teeth and swallowed my pride.
“Where did you move here from?” Christina asked, pushing her auburn hair to one side. It shone in the sun, making her look that much more beautiful.
“California,” I replied with a heavy heart. I was still homesick.
“Wow. Why did you decide to come way over here for?” she asked.
I looked at the floor, debating on what to tell her. Should I tell them the story my Mom tells me to give each time we move or a new one. I decided on the old.
“Mom lost her job and wanted to live in a small town. It’s hard to keep a job in California,” I said. I was a natural born liar but for some reason I didn’t like lying to them. I shrugged it off. I knew there was a lot more lies to come.
“Well that sucks,” Myles said, speaking for the first time. He had a deep, soothing voice. “It must be hard to be away from all your friends and your boyfriend.”
I didn’t need to be a mind-reader to know what he was hinting at. I could see right through those sneaky, chocolate brown eyes. He was asking if I had a boyfriend.
“I didn’t have a boyfriend and I didn’t have friends,” I replied. They looked at me like I was crazy. I immediately realized I gave too much away.
“Well, I had a couple friends, but we weren’t all that close,” I said, lying my way out. Lucas narrowed his eyes, but seemed convinced.
The bell rang, but this time the students reacted differently. They groaned and moved sluggishly out of the cafeteria. Their change in behavior almost made me laugh.
“Where is your next class?” Lucas asked as Christina and Myles headed in the opposite direction.
“Art.”
“Arts, huh?” he asked. “I never really was creative. I’ll walk you to there; my next class is right across from yours anyway.”
I stopped outside the door of the classroom and thanked him. After all, he was the only nice person I’d met all day.
“No problem,” Lucas said, with a careless smile.
He stumbled once as he walked away. I must admit he wasn’t all that graceful. I stopped myself before i smiled. I was forgetting the Rules. The guidelines by which my mother and I lived. I was not to get attached to some human. Besides, he was a child compared to me. I had lived a very long time, too long to even consider breaking the Rules.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
My pleasure, Tig. *bows* Feel free to shorten my username however you so wish.
Oh, and while I’m reviewing your revised version, I’ll skip over the things I pointed out before that you said you like and kept. (: My view on them has already been stated; no need for you to read it twice.
Lovely way to fix the blinking thing. (: The only problem I see is that you left out a “u” in “unusual.”
This is a bit of a bland paragraph to me. The sentences are all set up in similar ways and, at some spots, you’re starting to tread into telling rather than showing. I’m not really going to give you an example of how to spice it up (my voice is incredibly different from yours, and I don’t want to take the opportunity to fix your writing from you), but my advice is this: Think of different ways you could state the above. Try varying the length of your sentences, your word choice. Show us that her power is gone. Give us an opportunity to connect to the character over the crying bit. Is she mad at herself for it? Too tired to care anymore? Embarrassed?
I only suggest that you take opportunities like the paragraph above to a.) show us more of your character, and b.) add some depth and interest into the writing itself.
I’d put a comma after “memories,” to separate the clauses.
Why does she have to save Lucas? Is it a matter of love? Is she a bodyguard and it’s simply her job? Is he some sort of leader, and her his follower, and she finds it her obligation? Try to convey that through the word choice and the character’s thoughts. For now, we’re simple told she has to save this Lucas character, but never quiet why. It makes it slightly unbelievable to me. Almost like in a video game when they tell you “Save the random passersby from the monsters!” with no apparent reason. It adds some depth and further curiosity for us readers (especially if you leave it as “I had to save Lucas. A job’s a job, after all,” or “I had to save Lucas. After all that we went through, I couldn’t just leave him to die”).
*shrugs* Not necessary for you to do such, but that’s something I’d like to see you play around with.
I’d put in a comma after “here.”
I don’t like the use of the word “dodged” here. It sounds a little awkward. Isn’t “dodge” more used in reference to avoiding something? I would change it to a different verb.
This time you’d use “an,” since “easy” begins with a vowel sound. (: And thank you for not pulling a Twilight and making every guy in love with the MC. Thank you thank you thank you! That makes me so happy, because it’s far more realistic than having everyone head over heels for the new girl.
There should be a comma after “chair.”
Should be a comma after “rang.”
There ought to be an apostrophe after the “s” in “ladies.” Also, the comma at the end of your dialogue should be a period. You can’t “blush” words.
Careful, careful. You’re playing around in a guy’s thoughts. Try asking guys if it sounds like a realistic thing that they might think around a girl, and also keep in mind that people don’t generally think in complete phrases. I’ve had disjointed thoughts more often than not and, unless I’m making a conscious effort, I rarely compose thoughts in complete sentences. Or throw in an explanation to what I was thinking.
The period ought to be a question mark. Otherwise, I love this! This gives the reader the effect that a.) the character moves around a lot, b.) it’s usually incognito and she’s had to lie about her identity on more than one occasion, and c.) that there’s more than one life story she could fall back on. All that from one sentence. Very, very good job.
There should be a comma after “well.”
Caps on the “I.”
I sort of giggled when I saw the capital on “rules.” Is it necessary for it to be capitalized? Is that just a way for the character to convey that, yes, the rules were important? It just seems a little goofy and typical of juvenile, Eragon-level fantasy. Throwing caps on random words so that they seem more important.
And kudos on finding a less awkward way of saying she was older. You might also want to try showing this through her dialogue and narration. Perhaps she uses words that are the smallest bit archaic, or she talks with neat grammar and careful pronunciation. It would certainly say to me that she’s more mature than her peers.
Overall, I like how you fixed Michaela’s whining tendencies. :3 She’s a lot less annoying now. Also, I like the boost in suspense on the prologue. There’s more things for the reader to wonder about. For starters, if the two narrators are the same. Also, who this Lucas character is and if he knows that Michaela is watching him and why. You’re pretty good at showing characterization through dialogue and actions, and I like that.
Couldja PM me when you’ve got the next installment up? I’m interested in knowing what happens next. (:
Rubin: Oh No! Please don't tell me it sounds like...that book. Ugh, it is like the anti-christ. I absolutely hate Twilight. Well, I'll be sure to PM you when the next part comes out. *shudders* Ugh, Twilight.
Brainy: Well I really don't like calling you brainy, so I'll just call you Shella. Thanks for the review. I know you'll love it here. I do. Anyway, I'll give you more of the story at school anytime you ask. Hope to see you aroung and posting (:
Hiya, friend.
Well, I really liked the prologue. I''m itching to know more about that of course.
The first chapter sort of reminds me of Old Magic. The entire time I was reading it, I was thinking about Kate and Jarrod. I'm not quite sure why. I think it's the way that you instantly make the reader care about the characters.
Anyway, I'm ready to read the rest of it whenever you post it.
hola chikita!! well...this ones tricky. I had to re-read it twice. Not because it was confusing but because i liked it. A Lot in fact but it had some rig to it that resembled a story I've read. I'm not calling you a copy cat but it was sortav like Twilight in reverse.
I used to be obsessed with Twilight, but not anymore.
That was just a little useless info that you didn't need to know.
However i think this has a lot more potential and 3-D characters then Twilight sooo i would like to end this on a good note and ask you to PM me when the next chapter comes up because i do want to read it!
Take out the unusual. Your eyes are unused to the darkness, so we know its unusual.
Should be "I felt like crying, but I knew it wouldn't help me.
comma after Lucas
Should be "...outside of door, but I didn't stop."
I ran towards the door, my only means of escape.
Sorry, that's all I have time for, but this sounds like a good start and interesting topic.
u need a coma before the "but"
same thing here, u need a coma before the "but"
OK I could be mistaken, but I think ur missing an "I" in this sentence
missing a comma before the "but"
there needs to be a comma before "sweetheart"
I'm pretty sure you need a coma after the "no" instead of a period.
there is no need to capitalize "dad" unless u don't state who's dad it is and it is written as a name
OK either uncapitalize "mom" or take out "my"
ur missing a coma
this one is pretty obvious I think u can fix it without me pointing it out
Ok that is all the grammar mistakes I could find, but I'm not that good at that kind of stuff so someone else will probably find more idk. anyways, I liked your story especially your prologue! it lead me to wanting to read more immediately. and ur first chapter was pretty good for a first chapter. PM me when u write the next chapter I will be happy to critique that one for u and good luck