Prologue
A sink dripped in the distance, and the pitch black room smelled of mildew. I blinked repeatedly but my eyes were still unused to the unusal darkness around me.
I tried to stand but felt ropes cut into my ankles. They had drained my power and tied me down. I felt like crying although I knew it wouldn’t help me.
They were coming soon. Once they stole my memories they would know where Lucas was.
I struggled against the ropes. Lucas had to be kept safe. I stopped moving and reached down within myself, looking for even a glimpse of my power.
I found it. It was a flickering candle flame compared to my normal brilliant glow. I sighed, my body shaking, as reached for it. I had to save Lucas and if that cost me my life, then so be it.
I heard footsteps and laughter outside of door. I didn’t stop. This was my only chance. I used my power and burned away the ropes binding my wrists and ankles.
My weakened body drooped with fatigue, but I stood up anyway. I ran for my only means of escape. The door. My finger had almost reached the silver handle when it opened. The light blinded me for a moment, but that was all it took.
Someone tackled me and sent me flying across the room. The ground hit my back with enough force to take my breath away.
“You’re a persistent one,” the man grunted.
I glared at him. There was no way I was going to find a way out of here so there was only one other choice. It was almost funny how well I took the decision. I had feared this all my life but now, when it was finally happening, I welcomed it.
With this choice, Lucas would be safe. He would live a normal life, unaware of all of this. He would have the life I always wanted. He would have a life away from me.
I smiled at the man as a sort of farewell gesture. Where I was going, no one could read my thoughts or steal my memories.
The man, realizing what I was doing, gasped in shock and horror. I shook my head. It was already done. I was dying.
Chapter 1
I walked down the hallway of my new school. I kept my head down and used my tiny size to my advantage, hiding and maneuvering between students. My black curls hung like sheets, blocking my face from view. I dodged into the classroom and took a seat in the back.
The worst thing about going to a new school is the attention. It’s two times worse for me because I can actually hear what they’re thinking. The bell rang and students piled in through the door.
“Well isn’t this a pleasant surprise,” the teacher said, in a nasally, too happy voice. He looked at me and motioned for me to join him in front of the class. I took a deep breath, calming myself, and walked slowly up in front of the students.
“I’m Mr. Johnston. Now you go on and introduce yourself sweetheart,” he encouraged.
“I’m Michaela Starborough,” I said, looking at my feet. “I moved here from California.”
Thoughts filled the air, crashing all around me at once. They were just as superficial and envious as they were in my other classes. Guys were staring at me like I was some sort of prize, while their girlfriends said some rather vulgar things about me. I ignored it. I’d been hearing those kinds of thoughts all day. Honestly, the boys in the class just thought I was a easy target. They weren't really interested.
I walked back to my seat and tried to ignore the heat in my cheeks. This had to be the worst day ever.
“Hey Michaela,” a boy said from behind me.
“Hi,” I replied, turning to look at him. He had white blonde hair that hung into intelligent deep green eyes.
“I’m Lucas,” the boy smiled. His smile was amazing. I turned away from him, dazed.
Mr. Johnston droned on while girls threw murderous glares at me. I tried to slide down in my chair but I still felt them. This was going to be a long school year.
The bell rang a sound that grated on my nerves, signaling lunch and everyone dashed out the classroom. Everyone was excited, except me of course. I had been dreading it all day. I thought about the movies I’d watched, about girls who had to eat in the bathroom on their first day of school. I grimaced and walked out of the door.
“Hey Michaela, wait up,” the boy from my English class called. I turned and saw Lucas running towards me. “I was going to ask you if you wanted to eat lunch with me today. That is, of course, if you weren’t planning on sitting with someone else.”
“No. You’re the only one who has so much as talked to me today. I’m glad that I won’t have to sit in the ladies room,” I blushed. Why did I say that? Lucas laughed, embarrassing me further. I listened to his thoughts wondering what he really thought of me.
‘Like she would really have to sit in a bathroom, from what I’ve heard she’s going to be the center of attention for awhile. I just hope I don’t screw up too much in front of her, she seems really nice.’
Before I had a chance to decipher what he meant, he spoke again, cutting into my thoughts.
“Most of the people here don’t like newcomers. They’re scared of them. They think that you’ll bring change to our small town,” Lucas rolled his eyes at this. “My Dad always said that you can’t fight change. It comes with time.”
We entered the lunch room, navigating our way though the cluster students loitering around, and gossiping with friends. I followed Lucas and bought a slice of pizza. We sat at a little booth with another guy and girl. They smiled at us in a friendly way, making me feel comfortable for once since I’ve arrived.
“This is Michaela,” Lucas said, after I sat beside him.
“Hey Michaela, I’m Christina and this is Myles,” the girl said, jerking her thumb over at the boy. I smiled and nodded.
Christina’s thoughts were organized and well under control. Although she thought I was conceited, she also thought I was okay, but I could tell that she didn’t trust me. That’s fine. She shouldn’t.
Myles, on the other hand, had his thoughts jumbled and carelessly arranged. He thought I was ‘hot’ and he was going to wish Lucas luck. I grit my teeth and swallowed my pride.
“Where did you move here from?” Christina asked, pushing her auburn hair to one side. It shone in the sun, making her look that much more beautiful.
“California,” I replied with a heavy heart. I was still homesick.
“Wow. Why did you decide to come way over here for?” she asked.
I looked at the floor, debating on what to tell her. Should I tell them the story my Mom tells me to give each time we move or a new one. I decided on the old.
“Mom lost her job and wanted to live in a small town. It’s hard to keep a job in California,” I said. I was a natural born liar but for some reason I didn’t like lying to them. I shrugged it off. I knew there was a lot more lies to come.
“Well that sucks,” Myles said, speaking for the first time. He had a deep, soothing voice. “It must be hard to be away from all your friends and your boyfriend.”
I didn’t need to be a mind-reader to know what he was hinting at. I could see right through those sneaky, chocolate brown eyes. He was asking if I had a boyfriend.
“I didn’t have a boyfriend and I didn’t have friends,” I replied. They looked at me like I was crazy. I immediately realized I gave too much away.
“Well, I had a couple friends, but we weren’t all that close,” I said, lying my way out. Lucas narrowed his eyes, but seemed convinced.
The bell rang, but this time the students reacted differently. They groaned and moved sluggishly out of the cafeteria. Their change in behavior almost made me laugh.
“Where is your next class?” Lucas asked as Christina and Myles headed in the opposite direction.
“Art.”
“Arts, huh?” he asked. “I never really was creative. I’ll walk you to there; my next class is right across from yours anyway.”
I stopped outside the door of the classroom and thanked him. After all, he was the only nice person I’d met all day.
“No problem,” Lucas said, with a careless smile.
He stumbled once as he walked away. I must admit he wasn’t all that graceful. I stopped myself before i smiled. I was forgetting the Rules. The guidelines by which my mother and I lived. I was not to get attached to some human. Besides, he was a child compared to me. I had lived a very long time, too long to even consider breaking the Rules.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Okay, I'm not looking at anyone else s reviews, because that'll throw me off and I'll think my review is small in comparison! And we wouldn't want that now, would we?
Love the improvements, m'dear! I'm getting much more of a feel for our main character and also just what she is *grins*
I've noticed you've been using the word 'lying' a bit, why don't you try "I said, quickly covering up the error." or something to that effect.
Otherwise, the only other thing I'd like to suggest is: In the prologue, we know right away that Michaela is risking everything for Lucas, even death. Obviously we will be coming back to this part later on in the novel, so how about leaving Lucas' name out of it, just to add an extra bit of mystery to the scene.
Let me know what you think. Otherwise, I'm staying tuned! *grins*
Ariani
Hey, I'm back to review chapter one.
Sorry this took so long.
Nitpicks and Grammatical mistakes
I think this is a bit too sudden, you should bring this up in a better way. Don't just tell the reader that she can read minds, show it. Later on, you say their thoughts crash onto her likes waves. Then you start explaining what they are thinking. I think this is enough indication that she can read minds. If you like, you could add some other obvious hints, if you think all that is not enough.
I think instead of writing 'once', you should write: 'the first time', and then replaced ‘I’ve’ with ‘I’d’ (or I had).
The way this sentence is written, makes it sound like you had described her as beautiful before, when you haven’t. Either mention her beauty a bit before this or change the sentence to: ‘It shone in the sun, making her look beautiful.’
I think after 'couple' there should be the word 'of'. So it become: "Well, I had a couple of friends, but we weren't all that close,"
Capitalise the 'i'.
This is unfair! I want to know what happens NEXT!
(Great ending though, made me want to know as you can very well see.)
Characters
I think you need to bring out Lucas's personality more through the way he acts and talks. This will give us an insight into his character and it will bring more life into the story. Another thing I think needs to be improved is the relationship between Lucas and Michaela, and there feelings towards each other. Make it more than just, he likes her. Show how she feels about all the attention he's giving her. Does she like it? Is it bugging her?
Plot
Up till now, I really like the direction in which this story is going in. I don't understand much though, because it is so early on and you haven't uncovered the main story line yet.
Overall
The piece flowed well and I enjoyed reading it. Just correct the things I pointed out above and besides that, I don't think there's much wrong with this piece. Again, I have a few unanswered questions like:
Why is Lucas so important? (That woman died for him in chapter one)
What's wrong with Michaela and her mother?
How can Michaela read minds?
Why do they move alot?
How old is Michaela really?
I'm dying to know the answers to this, but I guess I'll have to wait.
PM me if you have any questions and when the next chapter is up.
xxmimix
I loved how the story flowed so easily, very simple and interesting to read. For the small little nitpicks...
“No problem,” Lucas said, with a careless smile.- remove the comma between 'said' and 'with'.
I stopped myself before i smiled.- Capitalize the "I"
I didn’t have a boyfriend and I didn’t have friends,” I replied.- I think it'd sound much more abrupt and tense. Make this small piece of dialogue its own dialogue.
California,” I replied with a heavy heart.- It sounds better with said.
This is Michaela,” Lucas said, after I sat beside him.- Take out the comma between 'said' and 'after'.
“Arts, huh?” he asked. “I never really was creative. I’ll walk you to there; my next class is right across from yours anyway.”
I stopped outside the door of the classroom and thanked him. After all, he was the only nice person I’d met all day.- I would let Micaela talk with Lucas while walking to art.
I knew there was a lot more lies to come- how about 'i knew there were many more lies to come.' The other version sounds choppy.
Besides that, very nicely written, and interesting plot. Good luck with the rest!
*winie*
Wow, very intriguing! I loved the little cliff hanger at the end, I can't wait to see more *grins*
School-related novels seem to be very popular these days, so it can be hard to find something new and unique to bring to the throngs. Well done on creating something that is indeed a little different. I felt some parts were a bit rushed, especially the lunch room scene, I think you could extend that quite considerably and reveal a bit more about our (I assume) future main characters, while creating a little more mystery with Michaela. (Love the name, by the way.)
The others here have given really good reviews, I hope I've helped some as well.
Ariani
Okay, so I’ll be reviewing for you today!
Before I begin, I must say that you had some spots of pretty good imagery. I had an easy time visualizing the scene and watching the characters roam about. Kudos. There were, however, some things I’ve got stuff to say about.
The bit in red is, I think, past progressive tense. It infers that something that happened in the past is still happening in the present. As fine and dandy as it is, you need to either stay in the past progressive or stick with the past you establish with “smelled.” Personally, I would shoot for “dripped” and “smelled.”
… So she was hit in the eyes? If not, then you ought to change that. Maybe she was having difficulty opening her eyes due to exhaustion?
Personally, I would change “were going to come soon” to “were coming soon.” It portrays exactly the same thing in fewer words, and that’s generally a good thing. :3
Not so much a technical error, but I really, really, really do not like the structure of this sentence. It always rubs off on me as pretentious and cliché and makes me roll my eyes whenever I come across it. You don’t have to change it, as it might be part of your character’s voice, but I just wanted to say that.
This sentence is super vague to me. Have they already taken her memories? Will they? Are they about to? If it’s an event that may happen in the future, I would change “Once they stole” to “If they steal,” because that gives the effect that it has not happen yet and whether or not it will still hangs in the balance. If you’re aiming more for that they already have and it puts this Lucas dude at risk, then I would change “Once” to “Since” or rewrite it completely something like, “After stealing my memories, they knew where Lucas was.” The sentence was overall unclear and made it next to impossible to fully grasp what you were trying to convey.
Not to be rude, but, uh, have you ever been tackled? O_O You don’t generally end up sailing across a good distance. At best, you hit the ground very heavily with someone’s elbow poking you in the ribs. You might want to change the verb there, or the outcome of said verb.
I’d put a comma after “here.”
Powerful line. I like it! =D
Is this really very important for us to know? Not so much the hair hanging down in sheets (I actually rather like that use of imagery), but “shiny black curls”? I mean, I don’t often just drop descriptions of myself like that so casually. *shrugs* If it’s in character for her to note details like that, then keep it. Otherwise I’d shorten it to describing her hair as “black sheets blocking [her] face from view.” It reads better, I think. Less clunky.
Not a technical error, but I’ve never really noticed new kids before. A lot of pieces I’ve read lately have really been romanticizing the idea that, “Oh, I’m new, everyone’s staring at me!” The fact is, most new kids go relatively unnoticed at the schools I’ve been to. *shrugs* Keep it if you want, but that’s just something that bothers me personally.
Creepy teacher is creepy. O_o But good use of dialogue to portray some of the teacher’s character! It’s not every day that you get grown men calling their students “sweetheart,” and I think the usage here shows quite a bit about the character.
Sounds a little silly to me, to be honest. I’m not trying to be horrible and mean (and I feel like I am), but how often do guys stare at the new, quiet girl with her hair covering her face like sheets? In the way that’s like “Oh wow, fresh meat”? It just doesn’t strike me as realistic, and that inkling grows stronger when we get to the vulgar girlfriends. :S It’s all a bit ridiculous to me.
So everyone, minding this Lucas fellow and his buddies, in her school are horrible, superficial people who want to either a.) kill her for being new or b.) take total advantage of her. It’s just not that realistic to me at all. I know later Lucas faults it on the place being a small town, but I find that to be a bit weak. I live in a small town. People here don’t see new students as the bane of their perfect little worlds.
*shrugs* Then, that could just be me.
This passage gives your character some voice, but try to space it out. Describe Christina flipping her long auburn hair as she talks. Maybe say something like “Myles crossed his tan arms and flashed a killer smile.” Not so poorly written as that example, but find ways to give this detail without info-dumping it all in one paragraph. I found it very distracting from the story itself and it made me ask, “So, what? Why are you interrupting the flow to tell me this?” If you want to include physical features, which is totally fine, try putting them in with a little more subtlety and grace. :3 That way we readers pick up on what the characters basically look like without being broken out of the scene.
… Well, that was random. xD I’m sorry, but I laughed when I read that. It’s just completely out of the blue. He’s known for all of, what, one day and then he compliments her maturity? Frankly, the dialogue I read earlier did not scream ultra older. It seemed perfectly normal to me.
Eh. Just Lucas’ pointing that out seemed more plot-driven than character-driven. Like you had him say it so that Michaela would have the opportunity to laugh at a bit of irony and inform the readers that, yes, she is pretty old, now that you just so happen to mention it. You can point out her age without having Lucas say something so awkward. :3
Okay. Overall, I had a difficult time rooting for your protagonist. If anything, I thought, “Oh, shut up already.” She had this bad habit of whining about every. Little. Thing. And blowing it way out of proportion. That might be her character, but it really starts to grate on one’s nerves after a thousand words. With everything that happens that she might find even slightly disagreeable, we get an “oh, poor me” mini-rant. It got a bit annoying after a while. :S
I think you have a potentially interesting story. Keep writing! It could turn out really well.
Hey Tiger! Music here.
Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:
Language Usage & Writing Style: I thought it was written pretty nicely. You got a bit repetitive in the first chapter, which made your writing a bit immature. Make sure you find a new, interesting way to say things each time, darling.
Characters: Well... I'm wondering what in the world Michaela is! Also, for Lucas, I need an apparent flaw. He seemed to perfect.
A question and a suggestion: why didn't you continue with the whole "read your thoughts" thing at lunch time? Perhaps include what Lucas, Myles, and Christina think of her. Is Christina another jealous girl on the inside? Is Myles vain? Using their thoughts could help develop small, petty characters into great, memorable ones.
Imagery & Emotion: The most lacking department. While I do want imagery, I don't want info dumps, my dear! Subtly describe the characters, like "Christina pushed her auburn hair to one side," may work better for you than describing her outright.
As for emotion, I'd like a little more in the first chapter!
Plot: There are some plot holes developing, but it's only the first chapter and prologue, so that could be okay, so long as you explain later.
Feel free to PM with questions and notify me when you post more, my darling!
Love,
Music
Hmm, interesting points. Thanks. There is a reason though that she didn't read Lucas' freind's minds. She also didn't read Lucas's mind. She doesn't like too. She only does it when she's' curious or overwelmed with thoughts (like in the classroom)
Although I probabaly should have put that in there haha. Anyway, thanks for the reveiw! I'll be sure to write more soon and I'll try and fix all the repitition and such. Thanks again!
~Tiger
Wow! This is a very good beginning to a promising novel! Apart from a few typing mistakes it's very good. I like the plot, a teen who has superpowers starting a new life in a new school. I do think that maybe the main character met "Lucas" too quickly, and why does she not comment on his or his friends' thoughts? Wouldn't his thoughts about her be particulary interesting to her? Also, both boys in the story seem to have amazing, killer smiles. Don't know why that struck me as weird, but I guess that unless both of them are going to be her love interests you should write something else about "Myles". One more thing, if the girl you are writing about is supposed to be very old, she should probably care less about cute guys and what others think of her, and people who have lived a long time tend to get tired of living, so maybe the character should show it a bit more?
Overall I really like this story, and I will definitely be following it