Our sins can completely destroy us,
rip our pure and innocent wings right off our backs.
Or our sins can taint our snow white souls,
Twisting them into a being unrecognizable and dark.
A color so angry and hateful it may never go white again.
_
Weighing us down so we can't soar above our demons,
instead we become the very thing we hide from.
The monsters that keeps us up at night,
wondering if they will one day go away.
_
My sins have clipped my beautiful wings.
I long to fly again.
Not to be trapped on earth,
but here I stand my sins consuming me.
They're eating me alive.
_
_
Just let go.
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139,382 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
Hello! Holographic Ladybug here to review you!
This is kind of cool and metaphorical in some way. Your description is very clean, which is nice. You also speak with a clear voice so that your poem doesn't feel too cluttered (that probably did not make sense).
I only have a sing, solitary thing I would like to mention, though:
Using 'our' on the first and third lines feels a bit repetitive. This could be difficult to fix because the message in the first one is different than the third. But still, the word feels repetitive. I really can't come up with anything, so maybe there is nothing wrong with this and I'm just being irrational (which is not uncommon for me :p). You can ignore me if you would like.
Overall very great poem. Oh, hey! Welcome to YWS! I've scrolled up a bit and have noticed that you've just joined. Welcome to your new home and I hope you enjoy yourself! I'd love to hear more from you in the future!
Never stop writing!
~Holographic Ladybug
Thank you!
First of all, welcome to YWS! I'm relatively new here as well, and I hope you enjoy the site!
I think you did a nice job. I liked how you, in the first two stanzas, described what sins WOULD do, and in the last one have the character experience sinning, and what it actually DID. I like how you make the reader think of an angel in heaven, and then falling to hell, as you mentioned in the title. I don't know if you did it on purpose or not or if this makes sense, but I noticed that in the first and last stanzas, you talk about actual angels, while in the middle one, you possibly talk about humans on Earth. I just thought that because you were talking about beds and sleep, maybe leaning towards Earth and people. I might be wrong though, but it's a noticing and an interesting part.
You may have done it on purpose, but in the last stanza, you switch from "we", to "I." This throws the reader off for a second, so you might want to keep the poem as one pronoun.
In "The monsters that keeps us up at night," "keeps" should turn to "keep", because "monsters" is plural.
Also, just wondering, what do you mean by "just let go?" Is the character falling apart? I like how you made it bold and in italics, though.
Overall, I think you did great. You should keep writing poetry, because this poem was interesting and kept me reading. Have fun on the site!
Thank you xD
Hi !
I just wanted to give you my opinion on your work !
First of all, you're obviously a very good writer, there is no doubt about it.
You seem very passionate about your work, and the reader definitely feels that. Your poem is intense and powerful and it has a really strong meaning.
The idea of the poem is really interesting, the way that our sins would weigh us down and in a way "consume" us is intriguing, and very poetic.
In my case, as soon as I finished reading, I definitely wanted more, and I was kinda in a state of wowness like
"Wow. That just happened"
I would love for a series of poems based on this theme, you're very talented and I love your work!
Pleaaase write more !!
Thank you so much!
Hello, I'm here to review.
That was a very good poem. The metaphor you used about us flying (or not flying because of our sins) are very good, and I like the fact that the metaphor is present throughout the whole poem. Also, I like that you start the poem by talking about your sins, and then close by talking about them again, it makes the story be a closed looped and it is satisfying to the reader.
There are only a couple of things I would like to point out. First of all, if you are going to capitalize the beginning of some verses even if they do not start after a full stop, capitalize the beginning of all of your verses. If you don't want to capitalize everything, then you can capitalize only after full stops, or not at all, but try to stay consistent, because otherwise it does not look as good.
There is only one grammar mistake that I found, and it is a comma missing:
Apart from that, I found no other errors, and the only thing I would tell you that might improve the poem in my opinion is not to use the contraction they're in the last verse. I feel that if you wrote They are eating me alive, the effect would be more powerful.
Overall, I liked this poem, and I'm looking forward to reading more of your poems, so keep up the good work and keep on writing!
Also, congratulations on your first work!
Thank you so much! I'll fix that.
It is my pleasure.