Shaking,
A never ending pain.
Worthless,
Pitiful.
No reason to move on.
Fight other’s fights,
But can’t fight your own.
Can’t see worth in yourself,
But sees everyone else as priceless.
You want to stop breathing,
But you try to breath life into others.
How are you to do that if you have no will to live?
You love so much,
None is returned.
You say you can’t watch them fade,
As I watch you slowly erode away.
I want you to confide in me,
Don’t run from me.
But you need to live for you,
Not for them.
You can’t fight their battles for them.
Shaking,
A never ending pain,
A worthless feeling,
Just let it all melt away.
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140,479 Literary Works • 673,246 Reviews
Hey, Whatgoescomes! I'm here to review on behalf of Team Monkey!
You've written s very emotional poem, and I'm sure that it will have a great effect on some readers.
But sees everyone else as priceless.
It took me a while to understand this line, but I think you mean that a person can care so much about others, and not think that anyone cares about them.
The lines flowed well from one line to the next nd you used a good selection of words so that it was detailed but not tedious to read.
This is great! Thanks for sharing.
Why thank you.
Hey, I'm here for a review!
I really liked this. Your themes that you put across in this poem really hit home with a lot of people, including myself. You really did an amazing job of portraying what depression is like for some people.
Some of my favorite lines were:
You love so much,
None is returned.
I really liked those lines. It sets a solemn tone and makes the reader feel empathy.
Anyways, the only constructive criticism I can give is one small spelling mistake I found:
"But you try to breath life into others."
Should be:
"But you try to breathe life into others."
A suggestion I could give for future poems you write or if you go back and revise this one is to maybe make it a little more personal with the reader. You could do this by describing the narrator, or events that happened to the person depicted in the poem. I think with this little edge this poem would be almost flawless.
So, overall, a great read! I'd love to read some of your other poems!
Happy Writing!
<3
Hello, InfiniteRectangles here!
I really liked this poem. I think you captured the feeling of watching someone you care about slowly fade pretty well. I love how you compare the person's actions toward others to their actions towards themselves. Unfortunately, it is pretty common for a person that helps others so much to be neglectful towards themselves, and I love how you recognized that. I also like how you started and ended the poem the same way. It reinforces the sorrow and pain of the person experiencing it. The last line is probably my favorite line. It is such a nice ending to this poem! Really, the only thing I would suggest is to maybe be a bit more descriptive. Take advantage of the "show don't tell" tactic. It will work wonders on your writing! Your language is a bit simplistic here and I think if you were more descriptive and used more imagery it would make your poem even more powerful, but that is just a suggestion.
That's all I have for you! This was a really great poem and I'm looking forward to reading more of your work! Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night! ^-^
Thank you! Yeah I get told that. Maybe I'll try it. You'll have to let me know if it works in my favor.