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Brown Bear [part 2]

by Watermelon.sugar


"i...don't know. my head led me here, so here I am. I just forgot that you were here..."

The forest became dark and smoky from all the carbon dioxide. the Brown bear found its way out from all the tree carcasses and into the depths of his own mind. I never imagined ever running into him for real. it was always just a fake scenario created in my mind after thinking and crying about him for hours.

     

     Bumping into him on a corner in a little street market just outside of Spokane, Washington flared all my dreams and memories and fantasies back to real life and into real-time. I almost collapsed when he talked to me. the color drained from my face and the emotion from his. 

"Lahmia..? why are you here? we agreed to-"

"This was accidental, I never meant to interrupt your life. it just happened."

the brown bear had a ray of hope and it got him to his mother, but as the world seems to want to set everyone's happiness ablaze they were trapped. Metaphors upon metaphors in both of their minds, he was the brown bear, that was their connection. A little stuffed bear she sent him on his 16th birthday because he lived 2000 miles away.  the plush bear was now in charred pieces in a sad little shoebox under his bed in an apartment with his girlfriend. 

I felt so lost yet I wanted to kiss him so badly, yet I knew that he would never love me again. he was my first love, my everything and that was all thrown away those 5 or ten years ago. he hadn't aged a day since the passing of the relationship he was frozen in time like petrified sap. 

- I saw her standing there but I had no feelings everything was grey and smokey just like the air after a Forrest had burned to ashes. I tried to feel something but nothing came, I saw her there I could see how broken she was; she was just as gorgeous probably even more than those few years ago when we were weary teenagers. the memories flashed into my head all of the "I love yous" and the time she made me so mad I cried, all I felt now was anger. nothing either of us did lead to this. I broke up with her, why am I mad at her all we did was talk and love each other from 2000 miles away she was my first love my desire.

"we agreed not to talk or to see each other ever again... remember?"

"all too much."

his eyes shifted to the flowers, which he quickly shoved behind his back to try to prevent another conversation ending in tears. I didn't say anything I just stood there and watched. I died a little more that day. I didn't even know that was possible. his brown eyes pierced through my chest; he always had an obsession with my breasts, even though at the time we were just horny teenagers. except he was staring at them. he was staring at my heart at a spiritual level scanning to find some reason why I was there and tormenting him. 

momma bear and little brown bear stuck in a forest all alone, but little brown bear had no momma. it was all a figment of his imagination since she died long before he could know her. Brown bear was raised among older cubs who treated him like a toy. beaten and gashed he grew up with no real love.


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29 Reviews


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Wed Apr 01, 2020 12:04 pm
Katteex wrote a review...



Good day!

I like what you're trying to say in the story, but there is a problem in terms of coherence, build-up, and how you tried creating the world.

First off, from my understanding she was actually her mother. That was the plot twist of this story, right? However, the build-up before it came to that was a bit confusing.

Your last paragraph states that the mother is dead and so, you should have used the guy's perspective instead, especially since it is impossible for a dead person to narrate the story. Unless, you introduced her as a ghost. But in here, you concluded that she was gone and was merely a "figment of his imagination" so it is not realistic for her to have her own thoughts in the story.

Here are my additional concerns regarding to the build up of the plot twist:


"I felt so Lost yet I wanted to kiss him badly."


As much as a mother kisses her son in, let's say, the forehead, this sentence is disturbing. It insinuates a much more sensual kiss, especially with the word "so badly."


"he would never love me again."


I think this was written for the angst, but it seems unnecessary because she was his mother, right? He will forever love her.

Another reason why you wrote this may be so that the plot twist (she's the mom) would really become uexpected, which is wrong. Plot twists usually gravitate to the clues you give before it happens. So instead of saying this, why not hint that she was a mother, by giving subtle mother-son scenarios


"I broke up with her."


Didn't she die? Breaking up could mean a lot of things, so having this as a bit of allegory is fine, but in the case of death, I don't think one breaks up with another. Unless, one requests the other to leave him. In this case, it is highly unlikely that the son would because based on your story, the son seemed very eager to meet her.


"even though at the time we were just horny teenagers."


This is also contradicting your plot twist. If she's the mom, why did this phrase narrate that they were of the same age?

Lastly, the whole paragraph of

"I saw her standing there but I had no feelings everything..."


I know that the people who reviewed your work have tackled this too, but I would just like to repeat it again for emphasis.

The shift from the mother to the son's perspective is abrupt. The only takeaway was the hyphen. You started this story with the "I" which is the first person's point of view so having two people's point of view would be confusing here. I think you should just change the story's whole perspective into a 3rd person's point of view for a more coherent flow

Overall, the story is good, it just needs a few tweaks. Hope this review helps!

Best regards,

Kattee






Well this story is actually about a bad breakup the mother part was just an add in in the end to show his traumas.



Katteex says...


Oh, then I think you should expound more on the trauma? It's a bit out of nowhere.



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Tue Mar 31, 2020 11:57 pm
ShadowVyper wrote a review...



Heya Watermelon.sugar,

Shady here with a review for you this fine Review Day, courtesy of the Pig Dragons! Let's get started...

The forest became dark and smoky from all the carbon dioxide


This reads a bit odd. Carbon dioxide is a clear gas, so you can't see it, and it certainly won't make a forest dark and smoky. I'm trying to understand if this was a metaphor or something, but I am having a hard time figuring out what you were trying to convey here.

- I saw her standing there but I had no feelings everything was grey and smokey just like the air after a Forrest had burned to ashes.


Is this supposed to be a jump in point of view from her to him? I'm a little confused about who saw "her" standing there or what this entire paragraph is meant to be.

Overall, I think this was a nice story! I don't quite understand the symbolism of what the brown bear is supposed to be to this story, or the fire, but I'm assuming that's because I jumped in on part two instead of reading from the start.

I think you've got a lot of potential here! The amount of imagery you have going is really great! I think you have a lot of room to really dig into this story line. It feels a little "info-dump-y" right now with so much information being given all at once. My suggestion would be for you to try to slow this down a bit and explore more about the world your story takes place in. Add some physical descriptions, so we've got a mental image of where this story is taking place. Slow it down a bit and let us get a better feel for who your characters are and to be able to form an emotional attachment to them.

But, as I said, I think this story has a lot of potential! Let me know if you have any questions!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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Tue Mar 31, 2020 8:05 pm
Zenith wrote a review...



Hey there! Zenith here for a review.
So this is a continuation of an earlier piece titled the same. You have tried to portray the heartbreak felt by the characters in a chance meeting with an old love. I liked the idea that you tried to compare it with a parallel scenario of a brown bear cub lost in a forest fire and looking for his mother. And to be honest, I found the parallel story far more interesting and tragic that the main one. There are a few reasons for that. Firstly, you are switching perspectives between the two characters in a very haphazard manner. You are portraying the girl as the first person and then all of a sudden you use first person noun for the guy and then again switched back to the girl. All of this really left me confused. There are some punctuation and capitalization errors. A lot of the sentences don't start with capital letters even though it follows a full stop or a question mark. Try to fix that. And I would suggest you to use italics for the bear cub story line. It makes less sense when you just switch from a boy and girl conversation to a bear cub in a forest.
Perhaps you should give it another read and edit it properly. I hope none of the suggestions I gave offended you, I only wish to help.
Keep writing! :)






No, I strive for good criticism. I%u2019m just a young writer worried more about plot details than punctuation and grammar but everything it super helpful.




Painting is poetry that is seen rather than felt, and poetry is painting that is felt rather than seen.
— Leonardo da Vinci