Good day!
I like what you're trying to say in the story, but there is a problem in terms of coherence, build-up, and how you tried creating the world.
First off, from my understanding she was actually her mother. That was the plot twist of this story, right? However, the build-up before it came to that was a bit confusing.
Your last paragraph states that the mother is dead and so, you should have used the guy's perspective instead, especially since it is impossible for a dead person to narrate the story. Unless, you introduced her as a ghost. But in here, you concluded that she was gone and was merely a "figment of his imagination" so it is not realistic for her to have her own thoughts in the story.
Here are my additional concerns regarding to the build up of the plot twist:
"I felt so Lost yet I wanted to kiss him badly."
As much as a mother kisses her son in, let's say, the forehead, this sentence is disturbing. It insinuates a much more sensual kiss, especially with the word "so badly."
"he would never love me again."
I think this was written for the angst, but it seems unnecessary because she was his mother, right? He will forever love her.
Another reason why you wrote this may be so that the plot twist (she's the mom) would really become uexpected, which is wrong. Plot twists usually gravitate to the clues you give before it happens. So instead of saying this, why not hint that she was a mother, by giving subtle mother-son scenarios
"I broke up with her."
Didn't she die? Breaking up could mean a lot of things, so having this as a bit of allegory is fine, but in the case of death, I don't think one breaks up with another. Unless, one requests the other to leave him. In this case, it is highly unlikely that the son would because based on your story, the son seemed very eager to meet her.
"even though at the time we were just horny teenagers."
This is also contradicting your plot twist. If she's the mom, why did this phrase narrate that they were of the same age?
Lastly, the whole paragraph of
"I saw her standing there but I had no feelings everything..."
I know that the people who reviewed your work have tackled this too, but I would just like to repeat it again for emphasis.
The shift from the mother to the son's perspective is abrupt. The only takeaway was the hyphen. You started this story with the "I" which is the first person's point of view so having two people's point of view would be confusing here. I think you should just change the story's whole perspective into a 3rd person's point of view for a more coherent flow
Overall, the story is good, it just needs a few tweaks. Hope this review helps!
Best regards,
Kattee
Points: 4734
Reviews: 56
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