it was only for a moment that I saw his face, the expression of sheer pain. It had been 10 years since I saw him, maybe 5. Time becomes a construct when you no longer pay attention. The world grew cold around him and greyed to a single point; the menacing eyes of a broad brown bear standing in a forest after a raging fire. But Brown bear was no bear, he was a confused Washingtonian staring down a past lover in an all too familiar Washington town that he had never seen her in.
I somehow ended up 1500 miles away from home looking for a way to get out and escape my own life. I don't quite know how I ended up in this town exactly, all I remember is the long bus ride it took to get here. At that point, I just wanted to run until I hit the ocean, not thinking or caring about anything else. I almost couldn't remember why I had done it; To stop and breathe just for one second.
at that moment I remember the feeling of every memory of him, the chaos he created in my mind every time his name was even mentioned, let alone the turmoil he caused. I had forgotten everything about him those five or ten years ago after everything seemed to vanish into thin air. I can't pinpoint all the minor details of every single thought or memory created, but it was all laid out there in front of me when I ran into him in the town he had lived in for 5 years. it should have come at no surprise that he had changed so much but it shocked me back into remission of post-breakup crying sessions and depression episodes. In his hands, he carries flowers of unknown decent, I've never been one with knowing flower names but these were special; Lavender. Every stock was different but just as or even more beautiful than the ones next to them; wrapped up in brown kraft paper tied in twine. It seemed just a bit too cliche and heartbreaking to run into the worst heartbreak carrying my most favorite flower and its wrapping to the exact detail, but the cliche didn't matter anymore when I saw the way he trembled at the sight of me.
He had just seen a ghost or the beginnings of one. When he saw this girl he didn't know what to think, it seemed like a fictional creation his subconscious created to make him reminisce in his not so great past. It was her, he somehow hated her guts but would always love her, the "her" that he knew 5 years ago when they were just teenagers, who were way too easy to excite. He was always mad at how it ended and how he was too attached to let her go even after they broke up. the path between them seemed so far even though they were so close. They had only been standing there for 5 seconds but it felt like a whole lifetime. He thought it was all some psycho dream that would never end.
The warm air turned to a broken breeze, all the air that touched my skin was cold. I felt the stare move past my eyes and into my soul. those few seconds of absolute nothing turned to years and years of horroring silence.
"w-what...this can't be right... L-" he seemed to tremble uncontrollably; the brown bear was stuck in the flamming Forrest without his mother. Pain crept over him like a tsunami of emptiness and flooded into her emotions.
"Why are you here?" his sadness soon turned into anger and the poor brown bear started to roar like nobody business.
"I needed to get away... I just forgot-"
"what are you escaping?"
"i...don't know. my head led me here, so here I am. I just forgot that you were here..."
The forest became dark and smoky from all the carbon dioxide. the Brown bear found its way out from all the tree carcasses and into the depths of his own mind. I never imagined ever running into him for real. it was always just a fake scenario created in my mind after thinking and crying about him for hours.
Hi Moonlight Forest, Your romantic story was quite captivating. I loved how the description made it feel as if I was actually there feeling her pain her terror. Though at times I was confused. My question is what was your purpose for writing this. Was it it illuminate the pain of a breakup, was it vent about your emotions? To be a hundred percent honest I would have developed the character a little better. http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2014/01 ... ter-needs/
Hi there! MoonlightForest here to review your piece! First off, I think your hook is pretty well-written. It's interesting how your narrator very nonchalantly shrugs off 10 years as if they were merely five: that's a pretty powerful moment which illustrates her lack of attention to details after the breakup.
One thing I don't fully understand is why the bear metaphor is important. Is a bear in a flaming forest without its mother supposed to represent the narrator's devastation about her breakup? Be careful with metaphors... When you use them, they need to be rooted to something. What is the symbolic relevance of the bear? Did the narrator's ex-lover used to take her out to national parks, or did they witness a bear on their first hiking date? I think giving the bear a contextual meaning will help strengthen the power of your metaphor.
Also, we don't really have any idea how these two characters ran into each other. Ground us in a sense of place and time. Where is your character when she runs into her former partner? What are some sights, sounds and sensations associated with this moment?
I noticed in your writing that you explain things by telling sometimes. While I understand because lost love is a difficult theme to convey if you're explaining it to someone who's never been in your shoes, many of your readers have been there. For example, instead of saying "he didn't know what to think" in the fourth paragraph, consider something more vividly descriptive without telling us readers, such as "thoughts catapulted through his brain." or "His mind was a ship and he had fallen asleep at the hull." These are by no means excellent sentences, just examples of suggestions.
Anyway, I empathize with your narrator's situation and think you did a good job getting those emotions out there. Good job! I look forward to reading more of your future pieces.
This portrays the pining aspect of break-ups very well, I applaud you.
The first thing I notice is that some of your sentences aren't capitalized.
"I almost couldn't remember why I had done it; To stop and breathe just for one second." You don't capitalize after a semicolon unless it is a proper noun. "I almost couldn't remember why I had done it; to stop and breathe just for one second" should be how it is written.
"In his hands, he carries flowers of unknown decent, I've never been one with knowing flower names but these were special; Lavender." Again the capitol thing, but also: decent should be descent the way you have it written here. Decent means conforming with generally accepted standards of respectable or moral behavior, while descent means the origin or background of a person in terms of family or nationality (it could also be used for any living thing, not just humans).
"'Why are you here?' his sadness soon turned into anger and the poor brown bear started to roar like nobody business." The capital thing mentioned first, but also: nobody should be nobody's. The noun holds possession over the word after it, business. "'Why are you here?' His sadness soon turned into anger and the poor brown bear started to roar like nobody's business."
Keep writing!
This portrays the pining aspect of break-ups very well, I applaud you.
The first thing I notice is that some of your sentences aren't capitalized.
"I almost couldn't remember why I had done it; To stop and breathe just for one second." You don't capitalize after a semicolon unless it is a proper noun. "I almost couldn't remember why I had done it; to stop and breathe just for one second" should be how it is written.
"In his hands, he carries flowers of unknown decent, I've never been one with knowing flower names but these were special; Lavender." Again the capitol thing, but also: decent should be descent the way you have it written here. Decent means conforming with generally accepted standards of respectable or moral behavior, while descent means the origin or background of a person in terms of family or nationality (it could also be used for any living thing, not just humans).
"'Why are you here?' his sadness soon turned into anger and the poor brown bear started to roar like nobody business." The capital thing mentioned first, but also: nobody should be nobody's. The noun holds possession over the word after it, business. "'Why are you here?' His sadness soon turned into anger and the poor brown bear started to roar like nobody's business."
Keep writing!
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