as I fall asleep
my dreams conform to you,
with little dancing children
and wedding bells ringing around my mind.
I see you in my deepest sleep
and my lightest thoughts;
yet I'm always too scared to tell you how I feel,
and how my brain aches to talk to you.
thoughts in my mind
like fingerprints on my chest,
over my heart and across my mind
my little heart beats faster when you talk to me
all the dirty little things that run through my mind all-day
like fingerprints on my chest,
over my heart and across my mind
even when you say nothing
you give me a whole world of new thoughts
all formulated into dreams
and my own dirty little secrets...
nobody will ever know.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hey there! Plume here, with a review!! I'm a little rusty at reviewing poetry, so take all of my feedback with a grain of salt.
I really enjoyed reading this poem! I think it's a very nice representation of being in love with someone, or at least feeling attracted to them.
I think that the repetition of the word "mind" is very lovely. I think it really enforces that it's not a "true" relationship, and that it exists mostly in the narrator's head. The last line helps hit this point home, with the "nobody will ever know." I think it makes the poem super bittersweet, because the narrator obviously really cares about the subject, but also either can't have or doesn't have the subject yet. Anyways. I thought that was really beautiful.
One thing I wondered about was the repetition of the line "like fingerprints on my chest." I think that to be solidified as repetition, you need to have it at least three times. Right now, it kind of read as a sort of simile you just decided to use twice, which somewhat degraded the poem and made the reader feel like it was actually repetitive in an accidental rather than a purposeful and poetic way. I think it's a really nice simile though, so I definitely think you should leave it in, but I just think maybe you should reiterate the repetition somewhat to really drive it home.
Overall: I really enjoyed this poem! I thought it was well-worded and relatable. Nice job!! I hope to read more from you in the future.
This is a really cool poem, somewhat humorous but in a way illustrates the longing and desperation that accompanies being in love.
My favourite lines were 'I see you in my deepest sleep, and lightest thoughts' because it really implied that obsession and how the character is constantly thinking about their love, however much and whichever way.
Could you make a repetition on the line 'and my own dirty little secrets'?. I think that doing this would be really effective and would really sync up the end line 'nobody will ever know': 'over my heart and across my mind, dirty little secrets infest my sight' and then you could change the end line every time:' over my heart and across my mind, dirty little secrets make me blind'
But that's completely your choice and it's very good the way it is.
I also love the line 'you give me a whole world of new thoughts, formulated into dreams', that was so poetic.
Enjoyed this poem