Saturday, January 24, 2009
I’ve never liked keeping diaries. Same thing with blogs, really. They take far too much effort, and I never have anything interesting to write about. So, I figure this isn't going to be called a diary. This is going to be my conversations. We keep in touch. It’s difficult, especially when I keep on lying to myself, but things we’ve managed. Recession sucks. All of Asia is going into it. I never had much interest for these things, but it came up one day at school.
In school most of this discussion comes with my friends at recess, lunch, or during homeroom. Homeroom’s focused on Gaza. Come to think of it, I’m not exactly sure what that is. I mean, I know Israel and Palestine are involved, but I’m not sure what else other than that. Something about territories. I hate war.
War ruins lives. It takes them, and pulls them apart, killing not just people but innocence as well. Gee, run-on sentence. Sentence fragment. Again. And again.
…
I’ll stop now. Innocence dies young in war, and like anything else when it dies, you can’t bring it back. Innocence leaves you permanently. When you have it, you’ll see the world as it is. But as you grow older, you slowly lose it. It seeps out of you, like a leaky tap. Did you know a tap dripping at one drop a minute can amount to hundreds, even thousands, of dollars in water cost each month? Gah, getting off of topic.
In war, innocence dies young. I know I already said this, but I have to mention it. I can’t emphasize this enough. War has no reason, war has no victors. War only leaves sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, all without families. War just pulls us apart. War is pointless. But saying that, it feels like I disrespect all who died there. I just don’t know what to say. Emily, explain it better.
Are you alright? I know you’re upset about war, we all are. But this, you can’t go on like this. We’ve already lost innocence. Once we realize the world isn’t like what we think it is- once we know that the Easter Bunny isn’t real, or Santa Claus doesn’t really come- we lose it. We can’t redeem our view of the world, no matter how hard we try. It just doesn’t work that way. And no, I can’t explain it better. You have your own way of explaining things, just as I do.
Fine, you can delude yourself. But slip once, just once, and it all comes down. The ‘smashing ball’ of reality, since I forgot what you call it, will come crashing into your fantasy and bring it all down. Yeah, that smashing ball thing is like a cannonball on the chain that’s on the crane. Can’t remember right now… Too much to think about. Far too much. You’ve left me with a lot of time, Em. Pushing me away to keep up your façade, that’s got me some free time. A lot, actually.
I can’t elaborate more now, Emily. I gotta get to sleep. You do too. So, let me ask you one thing. War, as you say, is bad. But why? Tearing apart families, taking away innocence, I’ve heard all that. But why do you think war is bad? Sheep follow other sheep. I know you’re not a sheep. I don’t like to think of myself, or you, as a sheep. So what’s your reason? What’s your reason for wanting, for liking, for hating? Do you want to be a sheep? Or do you want to be a ram, a leader?
…I don’t know.
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140,795 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
I enjoyed this piece, sure it may have been a bit hard to follow in times, but it's point is clear and a general message of war is relayed.
I do, however wish it were longer, I felt alot more could have been done with the piece and the full potential wasn't realized. Not to say it's a bad piece, I just think with a bit more description it would have so much more depth and power.
Just a few thoughts, hope you take them under advisement.
Again, a nice work, keep up the writing, I'd like to see more from you in the future.
God Bless
Mike.
Promised Review #2:
I really liked this opening paragraph. Right away I feel like I can relate to the narrator because of the strong voice and I can relate to what is being said, nice
I didn't really get this. It didn't have much to do with what was just previously said and I didn't think you had a run-on sentence/sentence fragment....
I liked the off topic part, but I think it could work better if you liked the two a little better. I'm thinking, combine 'seeps out of you like a leaky tap' with 'did you know a tap...' if you can relate people dying to the dollars being wasted on leaking taps that would be awesome!
This was a really good point, I completely agree.
But now a I'm a little confused. Is each paragraph a new person's opinions? I don't really get the 'Emily, explain it better.'
Wait, but I thought Emily was talking....
The ending slightly confused me too....
I liked this. It was written in an interesting way and it had a lot of good, valid points. However, at times, I felt it a little hard to follow. Like who is talking when/who's opinions are being told when. Clear that up a little and you'll have a dynamite story
-Carly
Thank you, LydiaB, Forever Threnody. And to answer your question, I am Emily, and she is Emily. I said this was conversations with myself, didn't I? Yeah, this is kind of scattered since I wrote this at three in the morning. I don't think I'll put up more, since I'm not really keen on sharing any more diary entries.
Very beautiful. I loved the concept a lot. Here's some corrections in bold;
Just a few nitpicks.
the sentences run smoother like this.
Again, it's all about flow.
This was very heartfelt. Just, who's Emily? She pops up randomly. Other than that this was a very flowing thoughtful beginning. I can't wait to read more.
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody
Hey! Here's my review!
First, some nit-picky stuff... And yes, I am a bit of a grammar-Natzi, so I apologize.
I think "I've" would fit in here better than "I'd".
Lol, no comment
"loose" should be "lose".
"loose" should be "lose".
Now onto more general notes:
I like how it seems so personal, but I still feel that you could make it seem even more so. Put more of a face to the victims of war so that the reader can truly get a sense of how horrible it is.
I think that you should also elaborate more on the sheep part. It is almost a little forced onto the reader in the paragraph in the sense that it doesn't flow into it to draw you in, which kind of makes the last point not as strong as it could be.
The voice is overall good, but be careful it isn't forced into your writing, because your readers can tell if it is.
I enjoyed reading this and really got a firm grasp on your perspective quite easily though it.
-Lydia