We went from sixty to zero in the span of three weeks,
And a hole burned slowly through the middle of my heart.
How I felt throughout that time is hard to speak out loud
For I am not so well, not so well like the artists of art
Whose paintings and sculptures scream at the top of their lungs
Of the pain they feel stabbing at their temples every day.
Headaches, headaches full of suffering and sadness,
Which do not seem to change or pack up and move out.
Your face still appears as sweet to me, even after all the hurt you caused.
Those cruel, happy memories scratch at my brain and force tears out of my eye sockets.
All I feel is sad. All I feel is numb.
All I feel is that sensation of nothingness, where you know you are in pain, but it doesn’t matter.
Nothing matters, not even those things you thought were important before.
Because it consumes you, this pain. This abyss of black emptiness that creeps down your spine into the entirety of your body.
Your whole self is on fire, but you just let yourself burn.
I am different now and no one really knows. It is hard to let anyone see it.
I wipe the tears off my face but in short they are replaced with droplets anew,
While a shiver spreads over my limbs, and I focus on the pain in my head and throat,
Throbbing as though it were my heart’s beat in slow motion.
Slowing and slowing until the words look strange, because staring at the words makes them jumble.
Sometimes I don’t know what I am doing. Sometimes I just go.
I just exist.
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137,785 Literary Works • 672,066 Reviews
Hello, Chips here to write a review!
It's been a while since I've reviewed, so hopefully this review makes more sense than nonsense.
So into the review:
Well, I thought you displayed a good sense of emotion in your poem, it seemed like a sensitive piece.
However there is always room for improvement so I have some suggestions for you which may be of help to you.
I would suggest you break up your poem into stanzas, as it would be more straight forward and simpler to read.
I also think the phrasing and wording you've chosen can be approved upon so it is more interesting, cohesive and effective to the reader. I didn't particularly feel a lot of emotion throughout the poem.
"We went from sixty to zero in the span of three weeks,
And a hole burned slowly through the middle of my heart."
I think the first line here wasn't the most capturing to the reader. It could be expressed differently, or if you would like to keep it as it is/close, maybe altering it to "We went from sixty to zero in a short space of time" - something like that.
The second line here feels like its been overdone quite a few times before in a lot of poems so I would suggest using a more innovative and ingenious metaphor to make it stand out.
"How I felt throughout that time is hard to speak out loud
For I am not so well, not so well like the artists of art"
The first line here sounded slightly awkward maybe something like "How I felt during that time is challenging to express" but you are the poet. The second line should be more specific in how you are not well and its said all too directly I think in general your poem would benefit from having more imagery, metaphors, assonance, dramatic irony etc.. more poetic devices in short.
Overall this was a good effort and it has potential so keep writing! I hope this helped.
--Chips
I like the way in which you write. Also i could really connect with what you were saying while reading the piece. The way in which you've expressed what you feel is quite good and very easy to relate to. Overall i really like it.
Hey, WalkInTheSun. I'm Nonny and I'm going to review your work today. I like to split the review up by verses but you didn't really make any verses in your poem so it does make it a little bit hard to read. I don't like to copy and paste the entire poem into this but I'm going to have to in this case so I can review it a little bit easier. I may not have split it up the way you were thinking but I'll try my best. I split it up below so you can see which verses I'm talking about when it comes to the review. I also added edits if I felt it needed any. Edits are in parentheses.
We went from sixty to zero in the span of three weeks,
Spoiler
(a)nd a hole burned slowly through the middle of my heart.
How I felt throughout that time is hard to speak out loud(,)
For I am not so well, not so well like the artists of art(,)
(w)hose paintings and sculptures scream at the top of their lungs
(o)f the pain they feel stabbing at their temples every day.
Headaches,Headaches full of suffering and sadness,Which do not seem to change or pack up and move out.
Your face still appears as sweet to me, even after all the hurt you caused.
Those cruel, happy memories scratch at my brain and force tears out of my eye(s)
sockets.All I feel is sad. All I feel is numb.
All I feel is that sensation of nothingness, where you know you are in pain, but it doesn’t matter.
Nothing matters, not even those things you thought were important before.
Because it consumes you, this pain. This abyss of black emptiness that creeps down your pine into the entirety of your body.
Your whole self is on fire, but you just let yourself burn.
I am different now and no one really knows. It is hard to let anyone see it.
I wipe the tears off my face but in short they are replaced with droplets anew,
While a shiver spreads over my limbs, and I focus on the pain in my head and throat,
Throbbing as though it were my heart’s beat in slow motion.
Slowing andslowing until the words look strange, because staring at the words makes them jumble.Sometimes I don’t know what I am doing. Sometimes I just go.
I just exist.
1st Verse: I have depression myself and I can relate to the sixty to zero in a small time frame. I know how it is when all of a sudden things come crashing down. As for the line, "For I am not so well, not so well like the artists of art", I don't think that line really belongs in the poem or if it does, it should be re-written. I know that you said you just wrote your feelings and I respect that entirely. I think that you should go back and re-write that line or get rid of it entirely.
2nd Verse: The way you use headaches in the first sentence twice is slightly repetitive and doesn't fit all that well. You should delete one of them in order to make this sentence flow better. I liked the line where you mentioned they don't seem to change or pack up and move out. It's incredibly relatable. You also mention another persons face. I'm wondering if that is metaphorical as in the depression feels so normal that it's face is always etched in your mind. I'm also wondering if it's an actual person you're talking about and if that is the case, it comes a little out of nowhere. I also don't think you need "eye sockets" there. It would read better if you stopped at eye[s].
3rd Verse: I can't say anything about this verse. I liked everything about it because it really was so relatable to most people's depression, including mine. Depression is a life-altering thing.
4th Verse: There are a lot of very long sentences in this poem. I'm not saying it's a bad thing but it may be beneficial for you to break them up a little bit.
The line, Throbbing as though it were my heart's beat in slow motion could be written a little better. Suggestion: It throbbed as though my heart was beating in slow motion.
You also use the repetitive word 'slowing' in this verse. The sentence that it's in could be re-written to sound like this: Slowing until the words look strange and jumbled
Overall: I liked this poem. It described my feelings perfectly and aside from the small suggestions I had, you did a great job.
Keep writing!
-Nonny
I like the way in which you write. Also i could really comnect with what you were saying while reading the piece. The way in which you've expressed what you feel is quite good and very easy to relate to. Overall i really like it.