A quick fix

Hello there, buddy. I am The Raven, Knight of the Green Room, and I am here to review your work at this moment. My review will be divided up into the sections 'What Is Good' and 'What Needs Improvement/Suggestions'. Now, let's get down to business, shall we?

What Is Good:
1) You chose to play with the shape of the poetry and that was pretty well done. It emphasizes the alienation between the couple very well. It's the part where you and me are separated both vertically, horizontally and even diagonally. It's quite poetic especially at the end.

What Needs Improvement:
1) There is little form to the poem. I feel that there is always a place for the metre, for a rhyming sequence or plenty of alliteration/assonance/consonance - it adds more depth to the poem, just like how the way you use enjambment to shape your poem like a bonsai plant. For now though, without a fixed metre, it feels hard to read and a little haphazard. It didn't even have to be fixed thoroughly - with a fixed metre comes the opportunity to break that rule for poetic effect, such as in the height of pleasure or the darkest moments.

2) In terms of the content, or the connotation of the words you've chosen, everything seems too straightforward. I believe you're relying too much on the denotations of your words instead. The result is as expected: Your poem becomes very basic in that context. I didn't need to think too much when I read this poem, which is the opposite of what I want. Instead, it was all preached to me, which isn't good. In the end, the pay off is lessened as your chosen method does not allow for the satisfaction of interpretation and recognition on the part of the readers.

3) That said, one way you could improve this dramatically without concentrating too much on the above two is to bank in on your strengths. So... Enjambment, shape, management of space... Which are really subsets of form. You could choose to specialise in these devices and employ them more often, and in more varied ways.

That is all I have for now. I hope I've helped in some ways at least. Keep writing!

i really fell for you! i feel the same way, actually!

I think this is lovely, and well written. But I do have some things that I question.

1) why are some things italicized? I didn't get the vibe that either of those things were all that important when I read it. I don't know if you wanted them to be but couldn't make it that way, so italicized it, but I don't think it works. I think it would be better to just leave it like the rest. It took too much away in my mind since I was trying to figure out why it was like that.

2) Your rhythm was good and I liked the consistency. So not much to say there.

3) This is a perfect example of how not all poetry has to rhyme so good job in that regard.

4) I loved the emotion that you portrayed and think you did a fabulous job.

Great job.
~ Nightlyowl