Your deadly embrace

*Gaping still* Wow you are a very talented little soul. Keep up stuff like this and you'll have publishers licking your shoes. I LOVED it. I wish I could give some constructive critisism on this but its too perfect. Wow.
-Aialm

Really nice work

I agree with cat4prowl about the commas.

And with Vernon about the originality side of things...

But otherwise, this is beautiful work

I love this bit...

You,
In all your deadly beauty,
Master of your universe.

Master of your universe.
Caught in your Universe.

Thanks everyone.

Love this peice. Awesome content. Even better imagry and abstract thought with a tad of romance. This one's a keeper.

W1ldF1r3 wrote:Sometimes,
When I look upon a spider
I think of you.

You,
In all your deadly beauty,
Master of your universe.

Your web,
A glittering galaxy,
Abound in constellations.

And I am a fly,
Trapped in your deadly embrace,
Caught in your Universe.

You bound me in your silver blanket,
As warm and as beautiful as the stars,
I flutter weakly.

Trying not to give in,
Knowing I was caught in your deadly hold,
I release my self and give in to my desire.

Not so much original as everyone says, Spider a lot of the time represent predators. Trapping people. It's nice but not very original. I cannot agree with the others. You try but never quite stop this being cliche. She's a spider, you're a fly... Boring!. Way too overdone. Overall: You're poem is established on one cliche, very big one at that. You have great imagery and metaphors but the idea of it all, causes it to fall apart. Try a more original idea. Hope this has helped.

Good luck
VSN

Thanks for your advice cat, i've added the missing punctuation, and you were right in saying that that the six line stanza throws off the rythem. It's changed now.

Thanks.

Great analogy and like lunabuna said, it was really amazing. It's a nice break from the cliche' poems that seem to be everywhere, which makes it eyecatching. The only thing I can think of to critique is that there is a comma at the end of nearly every line, which doesn't look grammatically correct, to me at least.

My knowledge of poetry is not very good, but I think that the end of line punctuation follows the same rules as it would if the stanza was a sentence or paragraph. So here is how I think it should go, but I'm not quite sure...

W1ldF1r3 wrote:Sometimes,
When I look upon a spider,
I think of you.

I don't believe you need a comma after this line

You,
In all your deadly beauty,
Master of your universe.

This stanza works, because in all of your deadly beauty is a kind of a appositive. I really like how you say 'your universe', it gives the impression that the 'spider' is supreme and in control

Your web,
A glittering galaxy,
Abound in constellations,

I think there should be a period at the end of this

And I am a fly,
Trapped in your deadly embrace,
Caught in your Universe.

Good use of the title and repetition of 'your universe'

You bound me in your silver blanket,
As warm and as beautiful as the stars,
And as I fluttered weakly,
Trying not to give in,
Knowing I was caught in your deadly hold,
Release my self and give in to my desire.

the length of this stanza kind of throws the rhythm off, maybe take out the as (underlined above) and then put a period and after give in, to seperate the lines into two stanzas

Wow thanks

WOW!
I really liked this!
It was really amazing!
I don't usually crit poetry but I had to crit on this piece!
Simply amazing!
~Lulu