War

Or will we reach the light at the end of the tunnel,

The light of hope,

Only to be thrust back into the darkness of war.

Amidst the gloomy content of the poem, it is good to know how you pictured the reality concerning our society today. I also aprreciate how you used figures of speech such as metaphors and personifications. But I found the introduction quite boring. You could've used other words to make it more attention grabbing to the reader. You could also improve more on your choice of words to avoid too much repetition.

Keep it up!

great flow of feeling...
great depth in expression...
really emerged outof heart...

keep on writing such heavy stuff

SWEET


dude, thats massive man, i loved the rythm, i loved th vocab, i loved the expression, and i thought th way u broke it into stanzas was really well thought out.the imagry was vry clear, buu left space for the readers imagenative imput :P the only part i would concider altering slightly-

I stared into their eyes.

The eyes once full of life,

Now lifeless, blank and staring.

stared and staring, u noe, maybe its just me, buu id change it, like, possible to: now lifeless, black and glassy, or there eyes pulled me in, the eyes once.... u get me :P

buu other than that this is great, seriously, keep it goin

This is a great poem. Obviously you are an amazing writer. If I were you, I would try to expand this piece a little more to make the point clearer. I would add 2 or 3 more verses on the reason of their deaths and the war itself and then that would make it better, and easier to read. I had to read this twice before I fully understood it. But really, this is great.

Keep writing!
KKatie

I like the relation to the poppies. it is a good link to make when writing about war.
During the first two stanzas you relate to eyes twice, it can appear slightly repetitive.
Which war is it written about, the poppies would make it generally about the 1st World War but I am not overly sure. Is there a way you could make this clearer?
Overall I like the poem, its really imaginitive and has lots ofemotion in it. The rhythm is smooth as well.

i think this is a decent poem, with a good sense of rhythm and imagery. there were several cliche's in the poem that can be overlooked but that you might want to think about, such as "eyes twinkling like the stars" and the lines about "the light at the end of the tunnel". while not entirely original, i always like a good war poem, and i think you've done a good job of writing a simple, effective and emotional poem here.

of course, there were grammar/spelling errors that have already been corrected, and some technique things you may want to work on (specifically the use of a passive phrase instead of a more powerful active phrase, something i am often guilty of overlooking). i'd be curious to see how the next war poem you write turns out.

Hey there!

As previous reviewers have commented, you used some strong imagery. However, there were several problems with this piece that I'll pick up on later.

Firstly, well done on your images. These lines were particularly emotional:

"Lives snuffed out as easily as a candle flame,
Fathers burying their sons,
Families torn apart like leaves scattered in the wind."

But I felt some parts of this poem were weak. The opening lines were redundant - it would have more impact if you started with the third stanza and reworked it a bit. You used a passive in your ending, a classic feature of telling:

"Or will we reach the light at the end of the tunnel,
The light of hope,
Only to be thrust back into the darkness of war."

Turn the construction around; make it active:

"Or will we reach the light after the abyss,
The light of hope,
Only for the darkness of war
To swallow us once more?"

Getting rid of passives means you open up the emotion and the meaning doesn't seem so bland. Once you start to get a feel for how limiting thsi kind of writing generally is, you'll begin to create more effective poetry. In other words, you'll SHOW and not tell.

You also repeated 'staring' in the fourth stanza; try:

I stared into their eyes.
The eyes once full of life,
Now blank, cold and dead."

By juxtaposing "life" and "dead" these lines would carry additional power. Experiment with this kind of wordplay - this will give your poem a deeper texture that will transform a decent enough poem into a potential masterpiece.

Good luck!



Gahks

7/10

I simply am moved by it. I'm not usually the one who gets moved a lot but this.....however almost made me want to hate you for being soooo good writing it. Simply emotional without trying too hard.

Kudos Parecokes.

This has been and always will be: Jace The Chase and The Godbreathed Vampire.

Their blood falling, as red a poppies.

Sad, rhythmic, and moving. Is there much else you need in a poem?!

Nice all around, great work, and you earned yourself a lovely golden star!

Wonderful poem, once again!

wow. i loved the 4th stanza, it really got to me. everyone has really found everything else, so i just want to congratulate you, because that was a REALLY GOOD POEM!

K thanks vernon you've been really helpful.

K thanks vernon you've been really helpful.

My only problem is repetition of 'so full of life' get rid of that. It's too cliche actually. We understand the effect your trying to get. You do change tenses a lot. That's true but much better since Tamora beat me. Overall: You're getting it, now concentrating on one idea but make it more describtive tell us where this person is. Hope this helps and sorry it's so short.

Good luck
VSN

*sniff* This is so sad! I know what exactly what you mean. It's so pointless!

There're only a couple of things that need changing, and they're mainly small things.

I stared into their eyes,

Fathers burying their sons,

I stared into there eyes,
The eyes once full of life,
Now lifeless, blank and staring.

Tears cascaded down my cheeks,
As if my eyes were storm clouds,
And I wept for hours.

I thought of our uncaring leaders,
Sending millions to their deaths,
Not caring how many lives they destroyed.

I return to my family,
Now all I had left was my mother,
She weeps for weeks as she hears the news I bear.

Lives snuffed out as easily as a candle flame,
Fathers burying there sons,
Families torn apart like leaves scattered in the wind.

And I remember them as they died,
Bullets tearing through their flesh,
Their blood falling, as red a poppies.

Thanks rick

EDIT: wait did you say rhyming? Um where did I rhyme it lol

This is amazing. I love your rhyming and rhythm. This is really sad too. I liked how you expressed the emotion into this piece. Keep up the good work!

-Rick.