Young Writers Society

Hello Doss! It's me FlamingPhoenix here with a short review for you on this lovely night. Sorry I didn't review this sooner, I though I had, oh well no point crying over it now right! XD
Anyway I think everyone else has done a really good job at pointing out the things that needs to be fixed, so I'm going to talk about the funny things I saw in this that I hope you will bring into the remake of this book.
First off there is some description in this chapter that I think you should used in your remake of this book, like some of the first paragraph, when I read it I felt like I was there, watching everything.
I like how you have kind of told your reader about TalonEyes family and some of the things they do in this chapter, and I think you should try and bring that into the new version on this book.
Now lastly and the best of them all is, Eyedis. I just love his character his so funny and lighthearted, and his a fun character to be around, I also like how his always up lifting to TalonEye. To me he seems to bring out a better side of the young eagle, and I would like to no that side of Taloneye better.

Well that's all from me for now, I do hope you will post on YWS soon, I look forward to reading more of your work and this story when you post the new version even more. I hope you will have a great night!

Your friend and faithful reader
FlamingPhoenix
Reviewing with a fiery passion!

Wow, this was good! I’m glad you’ve made more parts because I’m now a fan. You left it on a good ending.

But maybe add more detail and backstory. Other than that, I’m sorry for the short review but I hope I helped a little.

Jade🤪

Hello, EagleFly!

I think you have a good start to a chapter here. First, I'll start off with some of the things I liked. Throughout this, you have some good snippets of imagery. These are things that give me an idea of the setting, like the description of the armory and, earlier on, the smell and the wood underneath Talon Eye. As well, we have some slight description of Talon Eye. These are very good starts and so far it's not too much to bog down the narrative and make it too slow.

However, I'd definitely recommend maybe spending a little bit more time on the layout of this house or where the "West" is. Is it on a mountain? In a large plains? Where is Talon Eye watching when he is waiting? Why does it smell like iron and dust? These are details to think about and that the reader may want to know. By answering these questions and others that are similar, you are also able to set up a tone for your writing to guide the reader into how you're trying to make them feel. For instance, do you want them to be mystified by the grandeur of the world? Or do you want them to wait in anticipation of the coming battle? What kind of emotions are you looking to convey? You can set those up just by how you describe the setting.

I'll also quickly give a comment on this snippet:

Right then and there Eyedis flew in at the door and rushed over to Talon Eye. He looked at him with his eagle eyes. Talon Eye liked him.

Cool chapter @EagleFly! I look forward to the next one!!!!!!

Hi EagleFly! I'm Poppy, and I'm here with a review!

First of all, I've read all of the Warrior Cats books by Erin Hunter, and Watership down so as you can probably tell, I love books with animal POVs'! So this is an exciting thing to review for me! Now, onto the actual review


"Talon Eye was waiting for his mother and father inside the house."
- Do birds have houses? I'd change house to nest to make it more 'bird-like'

"The sun seemed to dance on Talon Eyes coppery, black-striped feathers."
- "Talon Eyes" should be 'Talon Eye's'

"He scratched the brown wood under him, with his sharp dazzling claws as he waited for his parents to come."
- There should be a comma after "sharp"

"Finally, his mother entered the room, but where was his father Nordice?"
- Add a comma after "father"

"“Your father cannot train you today, so you’re going to have to have Eyedis instead,” his mother Tisorn said."
- I feel like "have to have" could be worded or phrased differently to be smoother. That's more of a person opinion though Also, add in a comma after "mother" and after "Tisorn"

"When they got there Talon Eye could see a big blue wall, with shelves to store the armour and all of the weaponry."
- I think you just accidentally added a U in "armor"


Well, overall it was interesting. It reminded me a lot of Guardians of Ga'hoole, which I've never read but I wish I had when I was younger. Anyway, I also wanted to point out that you ended the chapter in a kind of odd place. Plus, it's short for a chapter, so I'd recommend making it longer. I'd love to learn more about the rock, and what it's used for, and if this main character, Talon Eye, follows through with fighting in the war.

Overall, besides the grammatical and punctuation errors, it was fun to read!
Keep up the great work!
- Poppy