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Missing Her ~ Ch: 1,2 & 3

by VioletSkies


Chapter 1 - I’m Miserable Because: They're Always Arguing

Even with my headphones I can still hear them. Their shouting penetrates my door and walls. If I wasn't used to this I might notice the raging headache I have, but I am. I shift into a more comfortable position hoping to fall into a deep sleep. At first I was never able to sleep at all, with the yelling, but now it's my escape from this place.

My eyelids flutter, and my mind drifts off, already my body is tired. Soon, I was at peace, asleep in my room.

                                                                  ****

When I wake in the morning it's to the usual sound of arguing. It might be the only thing I hear in this house, still, it's better than silence. At least they're trying to work out their problems which is better than nothing, I guess. A cabinet door bangs closed. But maybe not.

My headaches are always stronger in the morning, and even though this should make my brain foggy, it just makes me painstakingly aware of the place I'm in, and how much I wish I wasn’t. But the place I have to go isn't much better. School is more like a prison than a government learning facility. Sometimes I debate whether school is really better than being here. I've never gotten a real answer from myself, which is probably for the best. If I did get an answer I might just stop going to school, or coming home.

The ringing of my alarm brings me out of my head and into reality. I slide from my bed and head towards my dresser, picking out whatever is there and quickly pulling it on. I put on socks and stuff my feet in my shoes, grabbing my backpack as I walk out the door. I quickly pass my parents, not bothering to say anything. They don't notice me or they don't care, instead continuing to argue. I almost make it out the door safely until my mom turns around and points to me. "Don't you see what's happening? To our family, to us, to her. She's sneaking off, not eating! I can't even remember the last time we all talked! With the way this is going she'll end up just like Mayline!" The name strikes a cord for all of us, especially dad. I race off before, hoping to catch the local bus - and not to hear anything else - I’ve taken ever since my dad’s stopped driving me. I walk outside just in time to see the doors close as it pulls off. I set off, walking down the concrete sidewalk, avoiding the cracks, telling myself I really don't want to be late to school. I almost believe it.

                                                                          ****

Chapter 2 - I’m Miserable Because: It’s Always The Same Thing

I was late anyway. By the time I reached the parking lot I could hear the bell going off inside. I debated on whether I should just skip but decided against it. I pulled my backpack back up on my shoulder and trudged my way around the cars. When I entered class everyone turned to look at me. My teacher, Ms. Herring, stopped her lesson to give me a lecture about being late.

For the first minute I stood there, but then I got tired and wanted to sit down. As I walked over to my seat she started yelling at me. Ignoring her, I sat down, put in my headphones, and continued ignoring her. Eventually she gave up trying to get me to listen and continued on with her lesson. I took out my notebook and copied what she wrote on the board, this way I’d still learn something even if I didn’t listen to her, I barely paid attention anyway. The rest of the day went the same. Get to class, pay minimum attention, take minimum notes, and leave.

After my last period I hurry through the hallways trying to make it to the exit without running into someone. Once again I wasn't so lucky.

There are 3 girls in this school I try to avoid, and right now, they're looking straight at me. My arms cross over my middle, and I speed up. It was no use, I can hear their giggles even from across the hall, and I don’t have to look up to know their pointing at me. I can practically feel the hatred rolling off of them. She says something, and thankfully, I'm now too far away to hear it. Behind her, an entourage of girls who constantly follow her around and copy her every movement giggle. I consider rolling my eyes. It's something my sister would have done.

It might have only been one simple thought about her, but still, the room starts closing in and I can hardly breathe. I barely register when she steps in front of me, ready to pick a fight, like usual. I don’t let her, I can’t right now, I just have to get out. I walk forward to go around her, slightly bumping into her on accident. I can tell her mouth is moving and she's saying something but I can’t hear it. Noticing my complete lack of reaction, she lets me go but continues yelling rude insults at my back. Despite my lack of senses, I want to turn around and tell her to bite me, but I know better. I've been through this routine countless times, and anytime I say anything back it just gets worse. It's always the same thing.

                                                                        ****

Chapter 3 - I’m Miserable Because: Of All The Secrets

I retract my earlier statement. It's not always the same thing. I wish it was now, because things have changed. And it's for the worse. 

I sit on my bathroom floor, puking, and crying. I can't breathe, I can't think. It's that day. “Our life wasn’t supposed to be like this! We were supposed to be happy” I yell choking on my words. "Things…were…supposed… to get… better!" My words fall flat, unheard, and unimportant to the world. But they got worse. I grab onto my locket, the last piece of happiness I seem to have. My fist slam into the cold floor, and I scream. No one comes up to comfort me, no one's here anymore. They're both gone right now. I close my eyes but this time it barely brings any relief. Instead the events of the past few hours fly through my mind.

                                                                            ****

I had walked through the door and immediately knew something was wrong. Both of my parents were quiet. I could see the tears running down my mothers face. My mind flickered to thoughts of my sister. What could it be now? Seeing the lady, I knew it wasn’t about Mayline. I recognized her though, I just didn't know where. "Hello, are you Ceirra?" I nod my head.

"Who are you?" I ask.

"You don't recognize me. That's alright. I work at your school and I make sure families are doing okay." I nod my head again, like I understand. I don't.

"Why are you here then?" I try to keep my voice from shaking but it's hard.

“I'm here to talk to you all. I had a discussion with your parents while you were gone, and would like to talk to you now." She smiles, but it doesn't help the bad feeling forming in my stomach. "Ok." My voice cracks and I hate it.

"Why don't we come in here?" She gestures to the kitchen. "For privacy." I look at my parents, and while my father avoids my gaze my mother looks straight at me. She's still crying, and she doesn't say anything. I can tell she's begging me, pleading with me, but to do what I don't know. My fathers eyes glimmer, not with tears, but with guilt. I look away. Last time he looked like that, things didn’t end well. My mother avoids his eyes, but he keeps sneaking glances at her. What happened? If I didn't know my parents as well as I do I might think they'll tell me when this is over. But I know they won't, it'll just be another secret they keep from me. I followed the lady, who's name I still don't know, into the kitchen, taking a seat at the table.

"I'm going to ask you a few questions, okay? I need you to answer honestly, it doesn't affect anything." She smiles at me again in a reassuring way. "You can trust me."


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Tue Sep 19, 2023 10:37 pm
foxmaster wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Wow, what a story! I have to say that your descriptions of the main character's feelings, of her sadness was absolutely amazing, I could absolutely feel the sadness coming out of the words. 👏
Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
So, what I can tell from this is that a girl is very miserable because, her parents are fighting, as we learn in the first chapter. She tries to tune it out, but it never seems to stop.
Everything's the same. The same mean girls corner where over and over again, she's always late, and it seems that someone died (?).
Because of all the secrets. A woman comes and says that she needs to ask her a few questions. Then, the chapter ends.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
Here, it seems like I'm not getting a lot of descriptions. It's like you're showing, not telling. In addition, you spaced out some parts wrong, like this:

I retract my earlier statement. It's not always the same thing. I wish it was now, because things

have changed. And it's for the worse. I sit on my bathroom floor, puking, and crying. I can't breathe, I can't think. It's that day. “Our life wasn’t supposed to be like this! We were supposed to be happy” I yell choking on my words. "Things…were…supposed… to get… better!" My words fall flat, unheard, and unimportant to the world. But they got worse. I grab onto my locket, the last piece of happiness I seem to have. My fist slam into the cold floor, and I scream. No one comes up to comfort me, no one's here anymore. They're both gone right now. I close my eyes but this time it barely brings any relief. Instead the events of the past few hours fly through my mind.

I didn't really understand the beginning, also, because there was a really long paragraph. I feel like you kind of rushed some parts, here we didn't get as many good descriptions as I would have hoped.

Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
I think the best part of this story was the part when the mean girls go silent. I feel like you described her feelings very well then, in addition to what was happening. It was so well written I was very impressed.

Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Overall, this was a great story, and I'm really interested to see where this is going! You wrote out the plot really well, and it was great!
happy writing,
-Foxmaster




VioletSkies says...


Thank you, this helps me so much! Im definitely going to take your suggestions with that part!



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Tue Sep 19, 2023 6:43 pm
N0tAFurry says...



Wow, this story is fantastic. First off because I completely understood and knew everything that was going on. It was straightforward. Second off everything was spelled perfectly. Third the plot was very dramatic, it had my heart racing.

Overall this was a very good story




VioletSkies says...


Thank you so muchhh



N0tAFurry says...


your welcome



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Tue Sep 19, 2023 6:31 pm
N0tAFurry says...






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Mon Sep 18, 2023 12:11 am
OrabellaAvenue wrote a review...



Hiya! I'm Orabella, here with a review.

I see you're new here. Welcome! It's always nice to see a new face. (Except, we never see faces, so...) It's always nice to see a new user. If you ever need anything, you can always come to me, or pretty much any other person here. We'd love to help. ^^

Can I just say that this is amazing? Your style of writing is so unique, and each moment got me more and more invested in the story.

While talking, this character, Ceirra, doesn't really explain all the details. I get the sense that the world is almost blurry; as if things no longer matter as much to her. At school, she's kinda just there. Doing the bare minimum. Her parents fight, and her sister is gone. And what happened with Mayline? Is that her sister's name? Mayline? (I love these names by the way)

What does this lady mean for them? Will Ceirra be placed in foster care? Will she live out of the house with a relative for a while?

A quick note: for your first chapter title, I think you meant "they're" instead of "their". They're refers to "they are", while their refers to "it belongs to them".

Did you make the cover? It looks really cool.

I have so many questions, but my main one is: how are you so good at writing? This is simply spectacular; far better than any of my own writing.

Please say you'll keep writing this story? Or if not, that you'll keep writing other things? Because you have a talent, my friend. Thank you for sharing this with us.

Have an amazing day/night/morning/evening/afternoon!




VioletSkies says...


Thank you so much. Yes Im am continuing this story - hopefully to the end. I have almost 8 chapters written I only need to post them. And thank you for the title tip, I'll change that :)



OrabellaAvenue says...


Ooh, yay! I can't wait to read them all. If the first three tells me anything, it's that this is going to be a spectacular series. :D



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Sun Sep 17, 2023 8:05 pm
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Rose wrote a review...



Greetings Storyteller,

Beyond my beloved horizon, I'm setting sail into uncharted pages with an itch for curiosity. Through binoculars, I spy with my little eye a moving story titled “Missing Her” that deserves a good review. So without further ado, let us begin.

Image

I. Unraveling The Opener
The story opens up with a grief-stricken scene about a protagonist whose sleep is being interrupted by arguing that penetrates the doors and walls. Even with a headphone on, the protagonist is able to hear the arguing.

A heart breaking event has unfolded, an event that literally broke down the protagonist's world into crumbled pieces that they are desperately trying to piece back together, but it is all in vain.

II. Writing Style & Variety
The emotional depth in the story is remarkable, you skillfully portray the protagonist's grief and despondent world. The loss of a sister is literally shown through the lens of the protagonist.
As a reader, I can definitely say that it is on point and incredibly mournful.

III. The Door To Improvement/ Ups and Downs
For a story such as yours, it is extremely important to portray the grief, but do keep in mind to keep the pacing neutral, not too swift and not too slow.

As I mentioned earlier, the emotional depth is your story is marvelous, that is a settled point. What you can consider trying, to boost the emotions, is incorporate the use of descriptive or metaphorical language.

Furthermore, you could consider making this one closed chapter instead of several ones, and use indications of time jumps or fully close one scene and start another.

These suggestions are offered with the intention of boosting the story's depth and impact, so I hope they are helpful.

IV. All In All
Your story paints a vivid picture of a young protagonist navigating a difficult and troubled life. The narrative captures the emotional turmoil the protagonist experiences due to their parents' constant arguing, their struggles at school, and the weight of family secrets.

That's it, that's all.
Hoping the review has been of value to you!

Yours in Puzzling Shadows,
Rose




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Sun Sep 17, 2023 8:01 pm
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Rinisha wrote a review...



Salutations, curious mind!



Rinisha here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚!

Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my review magic! ✨

The Good Stuff:

First of all, let's talk about the parts that really rocked!

I think this was quite an interesting story. You did a great job portraying the sadness of Ceirra. The fact that you wrote this in the first person and from Ceirra’s point of view makes this a sad story. This is a great start to a mystery novel, now I want to know what her parents are hiding. Maybe they are secret agents? Or some kind of people with magical abilities? But why would they fight? And how did the sister disappear? Oeeeh, I have so many questions. But time will tell. I think you did a great job.

Areas to Improve:✒️

For starters, I would suggest you make your headlines bold or cursive:

Chapter 1 - I’m Miserable Because: Their Always Arguing


~~~

Secondly, I would suggest you used *** instead of just stripes, it just gives your story a nice visual appeal:

My eyelids flutter, and my mind drifts off, already my body is tired. Soon, I was at peace, asleep in my room.

***

When I wake in the morning it's to the usual sound of arguing. It might be the only thing I hear in this house, still, it's better than silence. At least they're trying to work out their problems which is better than nothing, I guess. A cabinet door bangs closed. But maybe not.


~~~

This part is a bit vague, if you could provide more clearance on how she’s late exactly. Did she walk to school? Did her mother forget to wake her? Was the bus late? Try to ask yourself these questions while writing, I think it would help a lot.

For example:
Before;
I race off before I hear anything else, telling myself I really don't want to be late to school. I almost believe it.
-------------------------------------
Chapter 2 - I’m Miserable Because: It's Always The Same Thing
I was late anyway.


After;
I race off before I hear anything else, telling myself I really don't want to be late to school. I almost believe it.
-------------------------------------
Chapter 2 - I’m Miserable Because: It's Always The Same Thing
My dad had stopped dropping me off at school a long time ago, so I had to walk to school every morning. In fact, I had to run to school because I didn't always catch my alarm clock, so I was late most of the time. I was late anyway.


~~~
Question over here, if Ceirra has headphones on how can she pay attention to the teacher at the same time and take notes? This is just something to think about.

For the first minute I stood there, but then I got tired and wanted to sit down. As I walked over to my seat she started yelling at me. Ignoring her, I sat down, put in my headphones , and continued ignoring her. Eventually she gave up trying to get me to listen and continued on with her lesson. I took out my notebook and started taking notes, barely paying attention anyway. The rest of the day went the same. Get to class, pay minimum attention, take minimum notes, and leave.


~~~

Over here, you said she was choking on her words. Maybe try to show instead of tell also.

For example:
Before;
"Things were supposed to get better!" I yell, choking on my words.


After;
"This was not supposed to happen!” I yell, chocking on my words, “Things were… supposed… to… get better!"



Nailed It!💐

I think you really nailed your title. Your title says so much already on it’s own. It pours all the emotions that Ceirra is feeling throughout the story. I wonder what the story behind Mayline is. You did a great job thinking through the title:

Missing Her


Overall Feelings:

I think you did a great job on writing this story, it was quite an interesting read. You used very simple language which suits your protagonist very well, I saw that you placed this under realistic fictions. If this is based on reality, I hope everything turns out well.

Be sure to check out…📔🔖

That's why Lady Ishvani is an actress and Broken mirror image written by Me

These two stories kind of have the same theme as yours do, while reading your story, it immediately made me think of these two.

Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!

Amazingly yours,
Rinisha
– Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉

Image




VioletSkies says...


Thank you for this review. Things like this is why I joined this cite, in hopes of constructive criticism that will really further my writing and thinking. It was extremely helpful.



Rinisha says...


I'm glad I could help. When you have time be sure leave me a review on my work too, criticism is welcome!



VioletSkies says...


Of course!




Ogres are like onions.
— Shrek