Mountains and valleys are twixt our lands,
leaving me lost in a dream.
Upon my shoulders are your hands,
our hearts, our souls are at the seam...
-
Flesh, blood, and love are all that remain-
they fly like a dove to and from the main,
but mountains and valleys are twixt our lands,
leaving me lost in a dream.
Upon my shoulders are your softened hands,
and our souls, hearts, minds are at the seam.
I love thee, I love thee,
God, let me count the ways!
Your eyes akin to the sea,
your smile Heav'ns' rays!
I'll love you until I die and after...
-
But with the mountains and valleys twixt our lands,
leaving me beyond a dream,
upon my shoulders are your soft shelled hands,
our hearts, souls, minds, and love at the seam.
-
When the midnight run is o'er,
and our love at last shall end,
O! Lord, my God, please take me-
I have lost my dearest friend!
-
No longer is it a mountain or valley twixt our lands,
nor are you beyond my dream,
but from my shoulders have dispersed your hands,
our hearts, souls, minds, love any longer at the seam!
-
Broken I lie now in a pit of despair,
begging my God to take me,
shouting "It isn't fair! Why might others still love while I linger on,
die while I live through life's hardihoods?
Take me, my God! Spare me this shame!
Give my my heart, my soul once again!"
-
And so with the mountains and valleys twixt our lands,
leaving me beyond a dream,
upon my shoulders are your soft shelled hands,
our hearts, souls, minds, and love at the seam.
--------------------
Note: Written by an Anonymous author. though they are widely believed to be King Vilnius the Thirteenth. If he is indeed the author, he was most likely lamenting the death of his wife during the Long Winter of 1897-1909 (1421-1433 Belecthorian Calendar).
Excerpt; "Poems of Belecthoria and Its History: The Essential Guide to a Cultured Nation," as Revised by Carolina Edwards and Assembled by Order of King Michael II
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139,200 Literary Works • 672,505 Reviews
I have finally come to review your work! I'm so sorry I couldn't get to it sooner, but I hope you find what I have to say helpful.
I'm gonna start with what I loved. Your repetition of the "mountains and valleys" line was an excellent stylistic choice! It really brought the poem together and tied stanzas to each other. Another thing that absolutely threw me was this quote:
There was such a profoundly genuine outpour of emotion in those few lines. The repetition of "I love thee" and the punctuation packed a hard punch. It was a joy to read!
My third compliment goes to the shift in the fourth stanza. The best poems have shifts like that, and you transition so smoothly from joy to devastation. Very skillfully done!
Now for critiques. First (and this one is the nitpickiest nitpick ever), the word "are" doesn't necessarily need to join "twixt" because the word twixt technically includes the notion that one thing is between another two things. Again, that's a huge nitpick but I'm a stickler for old-fashioned language being used properly. In order to make this line work, I might just stick to the more contemporary "between" to make it sound a bit less awkward.
My second critique is actually a question. What seam are you referring to in the line "our souls are at the seam"? I wasn't clear on that point. On that note, I was also unclear on your use of the word "shelled" to describe the lover's hands. Is it like a soft-shelled turtle sort of deal? What did you mean when using this word?
My final critique is that when you have the speaker vocalize their pain in the second to last stanza, it takes away from the poem a bit for me. Because the poem is already a medium for the speaker to pour out their love and misery, it feels a little awkward to have them quoting themselves. Here's how I would have structured that bit:
*hardihoods is an unfamiliar term to me and it took me off guard a bit. I substituted "struggles" in just because I understood it a bit better. By no means do you have to get rid of this word!
Anyway, I think that about covers it. I loved reading this piece, and despite the nitpicks, I think overall you did an excellent job. You're a master of shifts and your emotion shines through the words very clearly! I'm sorry it took me so long to review this.
Best wishes and happy writing!
Regards,
RavenLord
Many Belecthorian women would often knit or sew during the time period (2897-1909) because this period was known as the Long Winter. The "seam" is just a choice based on the time period and has more symbolic meaning than anything, essentially describing the lovers as one being, two parts of a whole
Thanks for the review <3
Ah, cool! Thanks
And no problem!
Momo here with a review, as promised! (finally XD)
this poem (like all your poems) is really good. something i really like about your poetry is you always build a world with your "author's note" at the bottom. they always make me feel like i'm in that world with you and i'm interacting with the characters. now onto meat of the review! c:
What does "at the seam" mean? you say it throughout the whole poem and it makes no sense to me.
"soft shelled hands" sounds weird to me. shells aren't soft, they're hard and sometimes pointy. just saying.
is hardihoods a word? or was that a typo? or is that the way your characters talk in this world?
again, i love this poem, and the sentiment. keep writing, and have a happy RevMo!
LordMomo
"Seam" here is used figuratively-- instead of sewing fabric together, I'm sewing hearts.
"Soft-shelled" in the sense that the narrator's lover is protective, but kind.
"Hardihoods" is a word; some characters talk like that, some don't-- the Belecthorians are just weird XD
Thanks for your review!
thanks for clearing that up! no problem!
Hi there Vilnius! Tuck here with a review for you.
This is a pretty cliche idea. I've completely lost track of all of the poems in which the eyes of a lover are compared to the sea, and the poems in which the smile of a lover are compared to the sunshine. That doesn't mean those ideas are totally off-limits, it just means that you need to put your own spin on it and utilize it as part of a broader, more original theme.So, I like the energy of this poem and feel that it has a lot of potential to deliver some lines that punch you right in the feels. I noticed the distinct shape of a poetic plot taking place, complete with a climax of the poem and a visible beginning and conclusion. You definitely have a good beginning on your hands here! That being said, I did notice some areas for improvement, so I'd like to jump into those if that's okay with you.
First, I wasn't a fan of the almost-repetition that you utilized. Repetition is usually utilized to drive home a specific point, line, or series of lines. Therefore, by repeating lines with slight twists, you're undermining the traditional point of repetition. I will acknowledge that I tend to have a bias against repetition in poetry because it's far more common to see it detract from the poem than to add to it, and yet in this case I don't believe it's your best option. I would have loved to see more progression in the plot and character arcs that you introduce here in this story.
The medieval-style language is an understandable choice, considering the background of your poem, and yet I feel that you could have delivered more here. It reminds me faintly of Shakespeare, so perhaps you could also use the iambic pentameter or similar devices to intensify that feeling? If you prefer to keep the free-form style of poetry here, you could use the old-style language more consistently. For example, I see that you've mentioned "thee" a few times in this poem, but it's not used consistently throughout.
So overall, there are many places where your imagery could be tightened and freshened up. You use a few stale (read: cliche) metaphors, and the repetition you used undermined your point in my opinion. But don't be discouraged! You've put words on a page, which is the hardest part of poetry; now it is time for the refining. You do have a good beginning here, and I don't want you to be overwhelmed by this feedback. You're welcome to apply as much or as little to your work, depending on what achieves your poetic goals!
If you have any questions or concerns about this review please let me know, and I'll do my best to clear it up! Enjoy the rest of your night!
Best,
Tuck
Thanks for the review!
Hello, Stormblessed here with your requested review!
This is beautiful. It really made me feel for the author. The imagery is intense and descriptive.
Now, I'm no poetry expert, but this part:
For some reason the switch from a simile to a metaphor feels awkward to me, especially since it's in the same sentence, so to speak.
Other than this, definitely captures the feeling of the loss of a loved one. I love your world building over your poems and short stories, and I can't wait for more!
Hope this helped,
Stormblessed242
Thanks for your review, and happy #RevMo !
Same to you!
You've added onto it, I really love this. Definitely still one of my favorites <3