Cigarette

Hey Usero!

I like how you experimented with the perspective and point of view in this poem. The cigarette becomes personified as a person, and whether or not you meant for that intentionally or it just came about naturally, it was a good way to make the reader feel connected with the cigarette.

As a reader who is not into smoking, I was easily able to sympathize with cigarette habits and smoking addictions when reading this poem, and I think it's because readers can all identify with a person. A "cigarette-as-a-person" was a key and beautiful idea. Whenever a poem can make a person sympathize with something they are unfamiliar with, I'd call that a success.

Now, let's move on to some of the more technical-y things, that while picky - is still necessary when doing revisions and practicing the craft.

I'm just going to talk about rhyme scheme. Yours was excellent in some places and okay/blegh in other places, sometimes even bordering on unnecessary. Is it necessary that high has to rhyme with fly? If so - then that's fine, but if not - nix it.

Let me explain - had the poem been written this way:

I held you close to my face and watched
as time left its smokey trace.
My hollow days, you made them count
wiping away my haunted past.

--> Would it have changed the meaning of the poem as a whole?

Nope!

--> And what does it fix/improve?

Some of the awkwardness. For example, the line: Wiping my past, not letting them haunt sounded strange and a little awkward to me. It's just syntax that readers aren't used to. In my edits, I got rid of some of the rhymes that weren't working-- High/fly, count/haunt/ past/(days?) seemed a bit forced to me and other than the fact that it's rhyming, I don't know if it really added to the poem, so why not just get rid of it? Make the poem read smoother and more clean.

But you will notice that it changed the rhythm and tone a *little bit*.

This is all about personal taste, so it's up to you ultimately. A lot of newer poets love rhyme like a child loves candy. Your use of rhyme makes the poem flow sing-songy. If you like that - great! I personally prefer the more solemn-serious sounds, but I went ahead to edit the above just to show you how it would look like without the rhyme. It's always good to see your poem in different perspectives/techniques, because even if you do decide to keep it the way it is, at least you know a little more about how the rhyme works/and where it works and where it doesn't.

When you have a sing-songy poem that doesn't add anything to the piece - or if it sounds forced or awkward in places - then I think in those places it might need a bit of work. But sometimes rhyming poems, even though it sounds sing-songy, can be a great thing too because it can add movement and color and make a poem fun and engaging.

For example, in this, there are a few rhymes that I actually liked! Trace/face one I loved -- it adds to the poem because by rhyming these words you are emphasizing the words. The emphasis of the words paint a picture in our heads. There's a connection in sound between trace/face and when I read the poem it makes me picture how the smoke is just everywhere and smothering this person's face. There's movement happening!

The same thing happened with tip and lip. The sound connection is emphasized and it made me really appreciate just how close that fire was to that person's lip! Right on the tip! Yikes!

If your poem was a painting, I would say that you have highlighted key points in the picture by choosing face/trace and lip/tip -- these highlights add dimension, space, movement to the piece, because you're emphasizing the right moments in the right time. Like how a painter can make a still painting seem like it is moving - so your poem with its use of rhyme paints a vivid scene, like a movie.

However - other places: think/stink, brave/crave -- it doesn't really do anything, or it's almost like you're just doing it for the sake of doing it, rather than an actual purpose or reason. This makes the picture look flat in those places. There's not really any movie-quality picture happening here.

Your slant rhymes are much better/Snubbed/loved and the in/win at the end were a great conclusion to the poem. I felt satisfied. Though, I also agree to get rid of the exclamations.

Great job though! I shall look at the other poem a little later, but I would love to see you keep this up. Your poems are fun to read through, so it's a pleasure to see you write more of them.

~ as always, Audy

This is a poem with an interesting idea behind it; it portrays both the harmful side of the cigarette as well as the emotional reasons for the subject's addiction. I love the second stanza "You made me brave/You made me crave..." and the first two lines of the last stanza "Once I'm done, I get you snubbed/Just like all the things I loved", they really convey the emotion behind it. The one small criticism I would make are the exclamation marks at the end (though reading through the other comments it looks like that has already been pointed out). Great poem, keep writing!

Hey!
You have a really good poem and really rather bittersweet in a way.
It is a poem that is obviously not just about the act of smoking but the reason behind the smoking, while the reason themselves aren't exactly mentioned explicitly they are still there. This whole idea of smoking to clear ones mind, to rid them of all the things they have done and to make them feel brave, like they are becoming somebody entirely different to who they actually are.

I love the second stanza, it breaks up the poem nicely and changes the cadedence. It also helps the reader get more of an idea of why the persona is smoking. The only I have to see is that I feel as if 'you made me stink' is a bit out of place, not because it ruins the stanza but because it is simply to literal and the rest of that stanza is about what smoking does to the personas mind, so I suggest changing it to something such as 'you made me sink' but it's up to you.

Also, again I agree with Hightop, get rid of the exclamation marks at the end, you really don't need them.

Great job and keep writing
Nargles xx

Look who's getting an extremely quick response!

Okay, first things I didn't like:

To watch time fly, leaving a smokey trace

You made me stink

win!!

I read this poem, left it on and a friend read it...he got a very very profane meaning to the whole poem and truthfully, i was tempted to take that same meaning. Anyway, it was good...very good. You brought in a lot of rhyming last words which people usually fall for. So, its nice...and am gonna read more...more more more.