z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Amidst nature

by Uni


WIND

Carried away by the rustle of winds,

Buoyancy was invited in my heart’s core

There it hid the gloominess,

And made clouds of joy soar.

The wind knocked the trees

With vigorous strength and it’s powers

The flowers tried to combat the force, however,

At last they were scattered- the pitiable flowers.

The music of wind resonated in my heart

And it brought the pitter patter of the rain along,

The peacocks awaited the arrival

And the nightingale initiate sing a song.

My lips issued a rhythm

Packed with elements of joy,

The rain brought a smile top my visage

And allowed me to enjoy.

The wind triggered the tiny crystals to fall

And they landed on Earth with grace

It gave a rise to an appetite to be happy always

And the rain again brought a smile to my face.


IT IS UNDOUBTEDLY THE RAIN!

After so long,

After a prolong drought.

There fluttered the rain,

Making the farmers shout,

Making the people enjoy,

It’s the rain with no doubt.

It’s pouring in my heart!

See the men brim with joy,

See the birds quench their thirst,

See the blessed farmers enjoy.

The rain has brought a storm,

Yet see how they dance,

Looking so cool and warm.

Smiles it has brought-

Smiles that are unprecedented.

I know it because I’ve got.

Every drop, big or small,

That is clinging on to me,

Is making happy tears fall.The grass spread like a mattress,

So thick and green and wet,

The trees swayed and paid respect

To the sun, whom I’ve already met

The forest was big and fierce

And spread as far as I could see.

It accommodated wild creatures

And people who look just like me.

In a moment’s time

I was surrounded by a pack.

A pack of wolves with murderous eyes,

Who seemed ready to attack.

Neither I was convinced by their killing skills,

Nor by their hunting ability.

More they came closer to me,

The more I got scared of their unity.

Then there was a thunder

And the wolves were compelled to flee.

Was relieved and happy,

Until I spotted a lion behind a tree

I was flabbergasted and thought

That I could run easily.

But the lion was faster than I,

And the idea suddenly seemed silly.

I lay on the ground motionless.

It was a plan to appear dead.

The lion was disappointed,

And sniffed my body and my head

Soon, I checked it out,

And discovered that the lion was gone

I praised myself for my acting skills

And decided to move on

HATRED

The rain sharpened the smell of earth,

But I could only smell the aroma of negligence,

While I ambled along the untrodden path,

In a restless wood which appeared to be dense.

Hatred for the world reigned in my mind,

while resentment enveloped the surrounding air.

I headed forward because I didn’t loathe the presence of creatures,

for they had a reputation of flamboyance and flair.

Hatred wasn’t for the beloved creatures

That in the forest dwell,

Nor did they disliked my invasion,

And my intruding existence as well.

They demanded me to stay,

And asked me to continue to walk on,

I didn’t muse much and stayed merrily,

When I witnessed that the gloom was now gone.

SCEPTICAL EXISTENCE

The volcano erupted in my heart

The lava spread rapidly making a cause,

To destroy my inner frail beliefs,

And I became sceptical of who I was.

Clouds of ignorance soared overhead, Hope was in flames,

Darkness enveloped me completely, living or dying appeared just the same.

Who would dare to live in this state, which seemed more or less fake,

At that stage I wanted to sleep, and never wanted to wake!


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118 Reviews


Points: 7386
Reviews: 118

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Wed Jun 19, 2019 11:11 pm
FabihaNeera wrote a review...



Hello,

I like the collection of poems you have here... the rhymes were good and the ideas flowed somewhat smoothly to the next. I liked the first poem about the wind because reading the lines, there was a really good description of the wind and I could feel what emotions you were trying to convey. I think there is one line that is misplaced though:

The rain brought a smile top my visage

And allowed me to enjoy.


You kind of bring up this line talking about the rain out of nowhere, then go back to talking about the wind only to bring up the rain again. I would suggest just cutting out this line to make the idea of wind transitioning into rain flow more smoothly.

The second poem about the rain is also well written with shortened lines and good rhymes, but it was hard to follow along with the poem because of how fast you were jumping from one idea to the next. Specifically, you first focused on the rain and describing how it makes us feel, which was really good, but then you suddenly start talking about being in a forest with animals and creatures which is a transition that doesn't really make sense. Maybe you could try focusing more on describing the feelings any humans, creatures, whatever would have with the rain so that you really draw in your reader more to the idea of this poem.

The last two poems have a good idea, and I don't know if this was intentional, but I like how you kind of continued on from the idea of the rain to transition into the poem "Hatred". But, if the Hatred poem wasn't meant to be a continuation from the Rain poem, maybe you could describe the circumstances more of what caused this hatred or what caused this character to end up in the forest or what caused this character's thoughts and feelings to suddenly turn around in the last two lines of the poem. The last poem was the one I liked more because it's short, but I think you really did well in describing this person's feelings and being able to convey that to the readers.

Overall, these poems are well done but could use some fixing in the organization of the ideas and being able to describe and really set the scene and mood for the readers. I hope to read more of your work!

Keep Writing :)




Uni says...


Thank you



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109 Reviews


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Sat Jun 15, 2019 11:02 am
silvermoon17 wrote a review...



Let’s begin with the beginning; wind.
So sure, you showed the flaky personality of wind, quite well actually; but problem is- your poem on wind is roomy he of description and too little of hard feelings. I mean, you do use as tricking ending, (and the rain again brought a smile to my face) but it happens at the end. So we might stop halfway, do something else than.. umm.. stop reading..? You see, you have a nice evolution. And the rhythm is present; but you really should begin with a memorable, hooking opening catchphrase; so as to have us hooked from beginning to end. Winthrop your next poem, you take things a step further. The more watery rhythm of the wind poem, becomes more regular. As regular as raindrops. There’s a gentle uprise, then a fall- butb sometimes you write about things that undoubtedly make sense to you.. but not to us. I know this is about nature, but in that poem, you keep jumping from rain to grass to wet things to the sun and to smiles; and then we feel as if we’re having a tumor. Even though it is rain, i think you should take more time describing it in itself, and then slowly move on to the other points I’ve told. I live the way you Maé the whole poem rhyme. But can i ask you something.. is the lion there just for rhymes..? Anyways. Then, for your last poem; scepticisme existence. At that point, people who have made it till there, are surely hooked. What the other poems you did wrong, this one does right. A hook, a description which is fast enough for us to follow without getting a tumor or getting bored, an emotion that moves forwards; and a closing line which ends it all beautifully.




Uni says...


Thank you silvermoon.Yeah, lion was just for the poem in way. Sorry about that. Will you please tell me if I should eliminate any poem as you are saying it is looking like you are having a tumour.
Also if you could tell me which order I should place the poems in so that the reader is hooked and doesn%u2019t stop reading or get bored.
Thanks, anyway



silvermoon17 says...


For the order, begin probably something in the style of hatred. But hey, I said that at the end; that last bit SaVeS us from having a tumor. If you want to keep the same order, try putting a very catchy first swntence



Uni says...


Thanks again




There’s always a story. It’s all stories, really. The sun coming up every day is a story. Everything’s got a story in it. Change the story, change the world.
— Terry Pratchett