Temple Of Renaissance-Prologue

I agree with Cheeky Coconut on this one. But I like some of it too. Keep up the good work

Fearful winds screamed as dark energy concentrated onto into the palm of shady figure. Twirling his hands, he forced the energy into crowds of helpless villagers who were burnt, frozen, or electrocuted. Bringing terror to the innocent, he moved from village to village leaving each in flames. He Summoning fierce tornadoes or other natural disasters.

Sorry in advance for lack of showing here, the forum rejected my word processor form of strike through and other changes. However, on to the critique.

As an editor, I feel that you are able to do a little better on your check through, a lot of adverbs and adjectives (baggage) filled this piece. Another heavy note was the lack of active writing, you were far too passive even in your opening paragraph which I modified as an example. Please watch your use of tenses as well, this was caught by Sleeping Valor, but I can give several other examples which tense switches were done.

As for the actual substance of the story, it was not really original to be honest, and the use of the dream cliche to start was not original in the least, but its your story. Use it as say, a vision or some other means of connecting this idea to your character to make it original and give depth to it at the same time.

Much larger note, let's strike all the inner thoughts and telling aspect and break down the story structure itself. We are lacking a lot of description about who the character is and what makes him an individual that we could relate to or at least feel emotion for him based on our own judgements.

I think its a clear, everyone would be much happier witnessing these events then you (the author) telling us outright. After all, it shows who he is rather then 'what' he is.

Winds sounded and fearful screams were on the tip on hundreds of tongues. Dark energy concentrated [s]onto[/s]in the palm of a shady and gloomy figure. He twirled his hands and forced the energy into the crowds of helpless villagers. Many burned, froze, and were electrocuted. The being brought terror to innocent villagers in desires of world domination.[might sound better as 'all for the desire of world...'] He moved from village to village,[comma] leaving each in flames. He summoned fierce tornadoes and made natural disasters. He focused energy into his palm once again and jolted it at young boy.

Sevvys rose abruptly out of bed with fear in his eyes and tears running down his cheeks--he had [I think it's suposed to be 'he had had a nightmare, since it's past past tense] a nightmare. He laid back in bed to get himself together. [oops! The transition between these phrases is missing. We think he's lying down for a bit...but hes showering? Try adding something like 'finally he rose...'] He showered, then extended his arms through the sleeves of his black and olive green cloak [s]on[/s] before he took off for the library. It was a rainy morning, so Sevvys tossed his hood over his silver and unkept hair. Sevvys slowly walked toward the "Sorcery" section of the library. He skimmed through titles he knew nothing of. He noticed a boy looking in the same section as himself. From his immediate appearance [s]he[/s]the boy did not seem like he would be a skillful sorcerer. More importantly he resembled [s]a[/s]the boy he'd witnessed his father kill in his dream [?]. His father killed him because he stood before him trying to defend his defenseless mother. This memory made him frustrated and reminded him of the cruelness of his father. He clinched his fist and began to throw and slam objects angrily. [WOW. Very sudden change of emotion. It also doesn't blend in to the next phrase because if he's angry we'd expect to hear something like 'he hated his father'. If you want to keep it the way it is, try putting something like 'when he calmed down....' in between these two phrases. Also, how did the boy react to this sudden outburst? Had any one else noticed?] He read[maybe say 'learned' or 'mastered', since just reading about sorcery does not a sorcerer make] about sorcery because he wanted to be a talented sorcerer like his father, just not for the same reason.

Young [s]sorcerer[/s][you don't need to say sorcerer, since you just told us he was learning sorcery] Sevvys had evil roots in his family tree. When he realized this he began to question his righteous endeavors around his village. He remembered how great it had felt when he'd rescued a senior villager from a soul-seeker. The woman [s]was[/s]had been watering her garden when a seeker in the form of a oversized Venus Flytrap camoflauged itself in her garden. He thought "I came at just the right time--before it clinched its jaw on her." Sevvys cast the Burn spell on it and it fell to ash. Sevvys firmly remembered [s]these[/s]her[/s] words; "Thank you.Thank you. You are a brave young man". [b][return!]

Since then he thought of himself as brave. His family was just the opposite, his uncles had wiped warlords off of the face of the Earth.[but isn't facing warlords 'brave'? Just because you're doing something bad doesn't mean you're nt brave. try justifying how these actions make his uncle unbrave] Sevvys had pure darkness in every corner of his family. He had murderous thoughts but, he managed to keep those sinful thoughts inside of his soul.[You could say '...but he manged to keep the inside his soul' <since you already said they were bad thoughts there's no need to repeat it in the sentence] He ignored those thoughts and continued to march on the path of righteousness, a path of which his father did not approve. Sevvys was so furious that his father tried to choose his life. He turned the page in his book and ended up ripping it. He was fed up with his father making his descisions. [o_O What book? You didn't tell us he was reading a book! Last thing we know he was having a fit!]

Hmm very good.
I like the fact that this is from a bad guys point of viw, a nice change.
However.
I don't like the opening sentence, it can be more powerful compared to rast of the writing which is really good. You need to realy hit the readers with some powerful description.
Overall, this is lacking in descrpition and relation to characters involved. No emotions are mentioned, thoughts?

Other than that, really liked, keep it up =D

x

i will take these into consideration

Quite a few grammar issues, but I'll fix that in a moment.

It has great potential, but I agree with the others (Show don't tell). The story has a great plot and great potential, but It seems to me you sat down at your desk, glanced at your watch, realized, "Crud, I have thirty minutes to write the entire thing" and slapped it down on paper. I don't see any thought process at all. I'm not saying there wasn't, I just don't see it. Spend a lot more time on it.

UNiiV3RSALWRiiT3R wrote:A young boy with awakened at dawn for his studies he had to attend to. (what the heck?! I don't understand that last sentance at all, and that's the last thing you want for your first sentance. Could you clean that up a bit please? I thinks it's mostly the 'with' that's throwing me off...) He showered, then put his black and olive green cloak on before he took off for the library. It was a rainy morning, so Severis tossed his hood over his silver and unkept hair. Severis slowly walked toward the "Sorcery" section of the library. He noticed a boy looking in the same section as himself. From his immediate appearance he did not seem like he would be a skillful sorcerer. Not making much of it, Severis sat down at his table. He read about sorcery because he wanted to be a talented sorcerer like his father, just not for the same reason.

Young sorcerer Severis had evil roots in his family tree. When he realized this he began to question his righteous endeavors around his village. His uncles have wiped famous warlords off of the face of the Earth. Severis had pure darkness in every corner of his family. He had murderous thoughts but, he managed to keep those sinful thoughts inside of his soul. He ignored those thoughts and continued to march on the path of righteousness, a path of which his father did not approve.

His father, also a sorcerer, had trained Severis to be merciless--one who brutalized anyone who stepped in his path to greatness. He would take Severis out to the Pennithia forests to defend himself against fierce trolls. Severis wanted greatness but, he did not want to have to kill people in order to gain the greatness. Severis saw the unspeakable consequences that dark warlocks earned themselves by carrying out regretful deeds and wanted no part of it. Severis did not want to follow in the dreadful footsteps of his father but, the Book of Symphenia begged the differ. The book quoted “One’s desires shall not overcome one’s seed who planted them.” This is what we call an info dump, mate. An info dump is what happens when the writer decides to shove as much background/description down the readers throat. An info dump normally takes up it's own, separate paragraph(s). Most readers will skip over info dumps, often missing important information, thus plunging them into cunfusion later on. Find a way to spread things out.

Severis greatly believed those honorable words were just for his eyes to read upon. He took those words into great consideration until they deeply sank into his brain. The Book of Symphenia also read “When confused turn to the temple of Renaissance.” The temple of rebirth as some villager called it was located two-hundred-fifty-one miles to the west. Severis made up his mind that he would do just as the book said. He educated his father of his bold intent. His father quickly reminded him of the soul-seeker who haunt the plains. Soul-seekers are ghouls who feast on the souls of passerby. Severis knew that he was quite able to defend himself because whenever he had spare time he read the Book of Sorcery. The Book of Sorcery taught him spells that were illegal in his village so this adventure was just what he wanted to test those spells.

That night, Severis made sure he got a long rest before he was off to the temple. The next morning he embarked upon his journey with a Wyvern he captured himself on the plains of Dantopia. The Wyvern was his real friend despite the town's people who thanked him for his deeds. The farmers were outside in their gardens taking care of their crops. Severis flew onto his black Wyvern who had red determined eyes using his levitation spell. The Wyvern flapped its wings into the horizons of the dirt road. Who knows what awaits him on the pilgrimage he is bound to surmount. note on the wyvern: I can't see him. How big is he? What does he look like? How many limbs does he have? (I have read several books where the dragon has eight limbs--six legs and two wings--while others have two--two wings and no legs.) Assume we know nothing about wyverns. if i said, "Severis flew onto his black leviathan who had red determined eyes using his levitation spell", you wouldn't know what I meant, would you? I know what a leviathan is, but it's a very obscure mythical creature with many appearances, and I would confuse my reader by describing it only by name.

You do tell more than you show, as Valor pointed out. Instead of even showing it the way she suggested, perhaps you could actually take us through Severis's (answer honestly: was that taken from HP?) young life. Give him flash-backs (where we get to hear about exactly what he did - narrate it for us) or even just begin the story earlier, so we can watch him grow up and watch his evil father train him.

Remember to review other people. Keep the ratio 2 reviews:1 post if you can. It helps everyone in the community. Welcome to YWS.

~GryphonFledgling

Yeah, I agree that you used too much "straight-out fact". And some of your sentences are... long and confusing.

One that stood out was: "His father, also a sorcerer, trained a raised him to be a merciless sorcerer who brutalized whoever stepped in his way to greatness."

Here's what I would suggest: "His father, also a sorcerer, had trained Severis to be merciless--one who brutalized anyone who stepped in his path to greatness."

Teh Wozzinator

Ok. Many different points here.

1) You have an interesting plot here. It has a lot of potential.

2) You are telling, not showing. This isn't a good thing. It kind of reads like a synopsis, or one of those resume's you read on the back/inside cover of a book. People will find this boring. ex: "Young sorcerer Severis had evil roots in his family tree." This could become something like...
"Severis set down his spell book and sighed, looking about him. The hall where he studied was a monument to his family; symbols of domination and past sins mounted on the walls like trophies." (Don't use this, it sucks. =P) This is showing. We see he is a sorcerer because he has a spell book and we see his family has a dark past because his eyes show us his world. This is what readers will eat up. They like to live the story, not be told what they missed. =P

3) Spacing. I'd maybe space your story out more--maybe split it into two paragraphs. It will make it easier to read.

^_^ No further comments. Hope that helps a little. This looks very interesting, it just needs a little more show and a little less tell. Good luck!

^_^ Keek!