Slavery

Mourning actually does change things, sometimes.

I'd add a third, and maybe a fourth stanza. Both your stanzas repeat the same concept just with different words. Maybe a third and fourth with an opposing or parallel concept might give it a bit of poetic balance?

I like the form. Question, statement, question, and so on.

third stanza would be great. in my opinion you should have a slightly more hopeful tone if you added a third stanza. why do we mourn? we mourn because we are dissatisfied, because we want the world to change for the better. have a sense of closure and a sense of purpose at the end.

For the most part it's really nice, but I feel like you should have more to it. Because it's so short, and like you said, a little cliche, adding on a third stanza that's a bit more optimistic would be ironic. Ish. I'm not sure.

I really like the repetition, though.

This was pretty good... the biggest problem I could find was that you used the word "mourning" way too much. It would have been okay if the poem was longer, but as it is... see if you can find words that fit just as well.

I think that the first three lines were good, but the others weren't as much. For instance, the last line in the first stanza was a little too long for the flow to work.

Other than that, not much to say that hasn't already been said.

Good luck!

Peace, love, chocolate,
Muffin

I think you've got a good start here, but for some reason it didn't feel that this was a poem that should ryhme. I like your use of questions, keep those coming, but I deffinately thing another verse (or two) wouldn't be out of order.

I can see some of the things you're playing with here. If your going for literary legitimacy, probably it's better to go the whole hog and embrace existentialism or fatalism, rather than being 'emo', but mainly that's just what you call yourself, lol.
My main criticism would be don't choose words just because they rhyme, "endless strife" and "scorn" seem rather laboured. Though poetry doesn't have to rhyme, but it does have to come naturally, or seem to. Your subject is not without merit, but to make your mark, look for your own peculiar imagery and metaphor, perhaps.

Check out Omar Khayyam, I think you'd like him.

I agree with Gadi that it is rather bland. Personally i didn't connect with it at all...but poems are like that really, you either do or you dont :\

Still, you can see your style here - its simple and the rhyming is good, but I think you need a little something more... I can't really put my finger on it......

lol I'm so useless!!!

Meevs
x

This is a poem with a good flow and a good meaning to it.

But to tell you the truth, it's rather bland. I liked the way you put such a cliche theme into an original two verses, but really, there were not too intriguing to read. And it really isn't emo--if you want it to be emo, you should use imagery, have a certain style, and use words that nobody speaks with.

My main suggestion? Add another verse! Just change it to make life seem just a bit better, something that celebrates its miseries as celebrations. I expected that until the end, when there was nothing and the ending wasn't disappointing, but rather pointless and (again) bland.

An example stanza (which I am inventing right now at the top of my head):

But what is mourn, that I should live?
It is the feeling
That makes us want to give
And for my life, I will not change that, will I?