I saw the moon, reflected in a puddle.
A smooth, unbroken puddle, and the moonlight
Made a silver shining upon the surface.
Then a cloud passed over the moon, and the light
Was dimmed. I lost the moonlight, shining silver
Upon the smooth, unbroken puddle's surface.
I lost my vision of the moonlit puddle.
--------
A weird something. Each line has exactly eleven syllables, so no one can say I didn't pay attention to that.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
I write poetry worse than a Vogon, but thank for commenting!
That was really good! It was intriguing. You should write more.
It has a nice rythm, but that doesn't make it a good poem. It doesn't say anything, or have a meaning.
This seemed the only place to put it, really. Put it in the Other Fiction forum, and everyone would be shouting, "The point? Where's the point of this?? This is the place for stories, Twit! Things with plot, beginning, ending, characters and storyline!!!!!!"
So I was a bit stuck. But thank you all for reading and commenting!
-ST
The rhythm really does read like more of a story than a poem. However, if you fix this up I think you've got something pretty good...nice imagery and atmosphere especially. Nice job.
To make my point, I want to tell you a story:
I saw the moon, reflected in a puddle. A smooth, unbroken puddle, and the moonlight made a silver shining upon the surface. Then a cloud passed over the moon, and the light was dimmed. I lost the moonlight, shining silver upon the smooth, unbroken puddle's surface. I lost my vision of the moonlit puddle.
So, the only things I changed from your original work are the capital letters and the spaces. It is a story, it is a story that you made into eleven syllables per line and then hit the enter button twice. You have good imagery, really...you do. But, if you can read the entire thing as a story and get complete sentences that make perfect sense, it's really a story--not a poem. =/
WM
Oh, I wouldn't have worried about the number of syllables. That rule really only matters if you're trying to rhyme. Of course, it can add an interesting style to non-rhyming poetry.