Prologue:
Five thieves were lost deep beneath the city of Triath. They had been creeping about in the sewers, when suddenly they found themselves in a series of tunnels quite different from the dank sewer canals. The walls had the smooth irregularity of natural rock.
The leader stopped and lit a match, peering down the tunnel apprehensively. Then greed overcame fear and he beckoned to the others to follow. After several minutes walking into the dark, one of the thieves whimpered and scrambled back the way they had gone. The others knew it was not just the dark that had frightened him; darkness was home to a thief. But here, the air seemed to shift between each moment, shaking their skin.
“Wait,” the leader said to the others. His keen eyes had seen a flickering light ahead. He went forward alone, dagger in hand, and found himself in a spacious cavern. It was empty but for a cube of stone in the center. The thief approached the pedestal cautiously until he saw what sat upon it; a small round clock glittered with gold and gems in the strange blue light. The thief snatched the clock up, but as he did so, he felt the air shudder around his wrist. Dust motes danced around him as he clutched the clock and stumbled for the tunnel from which he had entered. The darkness was empty; the others had disappeared.
Hours later, the thief reached the sewers again, feeling as though ages had passed trapped in the tunnels beneath the city. The man collapsed in the cold sewer water, haggard and feeling as though his bones were in pieces.
A day later, the thief had recovered enough to find his way back up to the sunlit city. He boarded the first ship leaving the city for his native country and slept the whole way with his dirty fingers folded around the clock.
A month later, in his home city, he joined another group of thieves and began stealing again. He hid the clock, unwilling to sell it to anyone, no matter how high a price they named. Everything was going well for him, until he and two other thieves were caught by the city guard during a raid of a manor house. The clock was wrested from his clutching fingers and brought to the king as payment for his crimes.
The thief died later in jail, his fingers still clamped over his palm as though he still held something in his hand. The clock was locked away in the royal palace and forgotten by the king, where it slowly counted lonely seconds, gathering dust on its shining surface until it resembled a dull trinket not worthy of copper coins. And still it counted the seconds.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi, this was pretty good plot-wise. I'm really interested to see what happens to the clock. The rest of the chapters will have something to do with the clock, right?
But the pace in the prologue was uneven. Sometimes it went so fast, and sometimes it went at a good pace. I suggest describing things more.
The idea to this is good, but when I read the prologue, it sounded so bland. Where is the emotion in this fantasy? Where is the heart? I felt as though I was sitting in a university classroom.
I think a lot of fantasy artists fail to express the emotion behind the world they've created and to link it successfully with their character. It would be nice if you had established that in the prologue.
This seems to be more telling than showing, but I suppose that could be let off in a prologue. However, for the later chapters you will have to employ a style that uses less telling.
I'm not sure about the structure of prologues since I never do them, but I wasn't pulled in. It felt rushed. I know a prologue is there to get you into the rest of the story but at the same time I think it should be engaging.
I would like to read more when it's up. I'm just hoping for a stronger hook.
Unfortunately, I've already written out the plot line, and the clock doesn't come back for several chapters. there are other characters that come into play soon.....
Very cool. I have a lot of dreams about clocks </random trivia>. I like the idea, and the detail that you used to describe the little clock. One question though - why didn't you use that kind of detail to describe the rest of the story?
You do use detail - you told us about the irregularity of the walls, the dust motes, the air shuddering in a disconcerting way - but we leave this prologue knowing little about the only character we are introduced to - the thief.
Maybe the thief becomes completely insignificant. In that case, I would suggest making the clock your main character for now. Flesh it out a little, give us something to chew on. This prologue is very short at the moment, so I feel like you could add a little more detail and it wouldn't hurt.
Anyway, great start. I can't wait to see what happens to the little clock...
I think you could replace the full-stop with a semi-colon here, I think it might sound better is you made it into one sentence. Somehow.
Is a match really enough light? I mean, they're pretty small things, right
I really liked that, it's a nice image ^^
Clutching sounds like an odd word to use, it doesn't seem to sit right with me. Perhaps there's another word you can use instead?
As a prologue, I quite liked this; it's not a big fat detail dump as so many are. I'm intrigued about the clock, and I think that is has some sort of power over the thief, like the ring had over Gollum.
I'm pretty sleepy, so I'll try and remember to have another look at this tomorrow when I'm more awake ^^
And please, do tell me if you post up some more.
//fish
It's a nice start. You seem to be telling rather than showing most of the time but then, it's a prologue so that doesn't matter too much. The plot you have outlined so far looks interesting and I'd certainly like to know more about the clock but is this essential? This feels like such a tiny piece of the clock's history and you've killed off the thief so clearly the character is not important...
Anyway, for a prologue, this is absolutely fine but make sure your first chapter is a touch more descriptive and I look forward to reading more.