Chapter 1
Isaac Sperone had a most remarkable pair of boots.
At first glance—and second and third glances as well—they were nothing more than a pair of boots. Cracked and worn, the boots resembled something one would expect to find in a rubbish heap rather than on a smart young man’s feet. Indeed, Isaac himself had been disappointed by the boots at first, and had seen them as small pay for risking his life.
It was only when he had put them on that Isaac had understood just how remarkable the boots were. For when the soft leather was snug around his feet, words that were not his had floated up from his toes.
Where to?
Isaac had jerked around in search of the speaker. The alleyway was empty but for him, even after he had peered behind every pile of trash and every stack of unused crates and boxes.
What do you seek? Asked the disembodied voice.
Isaac had always been a sensible, careful boy with a sturdy knowledge of what was possible and what was not, but now his frantic attempts to rationalize were dissolving.
Just tell us what you seek, the voice continued, sounding slightly bored, and we’ll take you to it.
Isaac was forced to accept that either it was the boots talking or that he had gone mad at last.
“Money,” the young man said cautiously. It was the first thing that had come to his mind; although his clothes were fine and he was usually clean Isaac had been living off the profits from stolen odds and ends. Lately life had become harder for a thief in the city, what with the introduction of new locks and traps.
There was a pause.
I guess it couldn’t hurt, said his left foot.
Then let’s go, his right replied.
Instantly, Isaac’s feet had pulled forward, and he had found himself walking swiftly through the city towards a rich man’s forgotten stash of gold.
Five years later, Isaac knew everything about the boots—or at least he thought he did. All he had to do was send a polite request to his feet and the boots would take him to what he wanted to find. But he had to be sure to be specific about what he wanted before he asked them to take him there. Once he had told the boots he wanted a woman, and they had swept him away down the road, right into and old woman who was tottering up the street under the weight of several large vegetables. There, the boots had stopped promptly. Isaac had sent the vegetables flying, saved the frail lady from falling, and then had gathered her groceries up again with profuse apologies. The boots never laughed outright, but Isaacs’s feet had tingled unpleasantly for several hours after the incident.
So now Isaac waited until the evening came to think over his next question. When he was home, he slipped the boots from his feet with tender care, then went to bed to ponder in the privacy of his own mind. He now had plenty of money, a nice home, a discreet reputation as a savvy young man, and he owned several priceless treasures.
It came to him as he pulled the cold sheets tighter around him. It was a delicious idea, so precious that he would wait a while before asking it. He would have to make sure his question asked exactly what he wanted it to. After so long with the boots, he knew that their life was dull enough that they searched for alternate meanings in the simplest of questions, just to make their existence a little more interesting.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Yep, you could have described some more, but otherwise, I'm interested to see where this story goes.
Ele and Tin had pretty much covered what I was going to say so I'll just give you my personal critque.
I liked how the first sentence was simple and stated something that was unusual for the reader to expect from the main character finding his boots so remarkable. I admit that it was the first line that had got me to read the rest.
Your flow of the story was good. The problem was that I felt that you told us more than showed. I felt as though I was being pelted with tiny bits of information which I thought the reader could uncover themselves.
This also links to your descriptions. Though you described action and the boot well, you lacked environmental descriptions and as a result, the story doesn't create a vivid picture. But without a benefit of a doubt, it does creature some form of picture in my head.
The character seems a bit flat at the moment too. I'd hoped that you could had showed us more insight on Issac.
Overall, it was ok. My advice is to show things more in terms of setting, plot line and characters themselves. If you do that, it would make this story more powerful and the idea of a normal everyday object possessing magical powers much less cliche.
Interesting first line ^^ very good for snatching the interest of the reader; it certainly caught mine!
What? That phrase doesn't seem to make sense, no matter how many times I read it. Are they a payment for what he does, or something else? Yeah, it confused me greatly, so I think it needs moving around a bit.
I think you might need a comma between those two words.
I like that thought, the books not laughing but tingling his feet, it made me smile it did ^^
Thanks for the PM, I'm glad I read this, it was quite enjoyable ^^
I adore the idea of the boots, I myself had a similar idea once about a scarf, but of course it didn't involve wishes and walking people places. It also reminded me of a story I read a long time ago when I was little about a man who could walk great distances in a single step when he was wearing a certain pair of shoes... But that's beside the point, and I'm rambling already e__e
I was mildly confused from here until the 'five years later' section, unsure of what was really part of the memory, or what was happening in the present. It might make more sense if you have It was only when he had first put them on, that Isaac had understood just how remarkable the boots were. or... something.
There are a few sentences that i think you could string together to make them longer and improve the flow, if you read through it yourself you should be able to pick them out, but if you want I'l have another look through and be more specific.
I was also kinda disappointed by its length, as in it was too short ; this left me slightly unsatisfied, wanting more XD
And no clock! How long until we see it again?
So, yesss. Thank you for the PM, if you have any questions or anything about what I've said – I tend to ramble and get distracted from what my original point was – just ask ^^
And keep me up date with any... updates XD
//fish!
Sorry, I currently have some problems with the internet, and double posted by mistake. Dratted thing wouldn't post, and I think I clicked to many times.
It was actually the first sentence that made me read the rest - a very interesting start. It caught my attention.
I will give you a line-by-line crit in the first part; the impression will come at the end, okay?
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For when the soft leather was snug around his feet, words that were not his had floated up from his toes.
The part before the comma just doesn’t sound right, consider rephrasing it?
Quote:
The alleyway was empty but for him, even after he had peered behind every pile of trash and every stack of unused crates and boxes.
Again, this sentence had the wrong feeling, and should be rephrased, mostly because of ‘even after’.
Quote:
What do you seek? Asked the disembodied voice. ‘Asked’ = ‘asked’
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It was the first thing that had come to his mind; although his clothes were fine and he was usually clean Isaac had been living off the profits from stolen odds and ends.
Comma after ‘clean’. Wow, this kind of murdered the Isaac I had portrayed before this sentence.
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But he had to be sure to be specific about what he wanted before he asked them to take him there.
His sentence seems deprived of something… Seems so lonely, lol. Merge it with the one before, or after, it?
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Isaac had sent the vegetables flying, saved the frail lady from falling, and then had gathered her groceries up again with profuse apologies.
There is too much - or too little - of a contrast in this sentence, if you get my meaning. Probably not because I don’t know how to explain it, lol. I just think that it would sound better ‘who’ - ‘Isaac, who had sent the vegetables flying,’ - rest as above.
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So now Isaac waited until the evening came to think over his next question.
? Isaac had to wait until evening to think of a question? Also, I don’t really like the ‘so now’ part. And I think the times are in a tangle.
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When he was home, he slipped the boots from his feet with tender care, then went to bed to ponder in the privacy of his own mind.
The times are wrong, or wording, depending on how you look at it. Was = came, or something of the such.
Quote:
He now had plenty of money, a nice home, a discreet reputation as a savvy young man, and he owned several priceless treasures.
‘savvy young man who owned’ - a possible alteration. Of just get rid of ‘he’, and the sentence will sound better
Quote:
After so long with the boots, he knew that their life was dull enough that they searched for alternate meanings in the simplest of questions, just to make their existence a little more interesting.
That they = for them to?
Anyway, that is the end of the boring line-by-line critique. As I promised, here are my impressions, and what I liked/disliked.
-> The idea of the boots. As I said (or I think I did) it is very interesting, and whatever I had been expecting it was not what I found. Which is very good. I was not bored when reading the story, though a bit disappointed that it was so short Looking forward for the continuation.
- Style. You have a very interesting style, in my opinion, and it was emphasized mostly on the beginning.
-> Time. You probably noticed that in two sentences, which are right next to each other, I said that the times are wrong - maybe they aren’t wrong-wrong, but they just don’t fit together. Not with each other, and not with the words around them.
Also, the time in the story. The five years was, I think, a good accent to the story, but I think it was mainly because of the mismatched times in the two sentences (the ones mentioned above) that made me picky about it.
-The paragraphs. On the beginning they are really short, saying only what they are supposed to say. And that’s it. No detailed descriptions, etc., no emotional sketches. Near the end, though, you have one big chunk of a paragraph that should be split up. Not because it is so big - not all big paragraphs are bad, are they? - and not because of proportions, but because it would look better that way. :S Its contents wouldn’t be so cramped up.
Well, that’s the end of my critique. If you have any questions, don’t understand a point or two (lol, I don’t understand myself sometimes), feel free to PM or mail me. If you found my English insufficient in some places, sorry - English isn’t my first language. Anyway:
I enjoyed the whole piece, and, again, am looking forward to the continuation. Keep up the good work!
Elein