My day could be perfect,
proceed without a hitch;
all it takes is a simple trigger
to send me to my deepest valley
my stomach drops;
my mind spirals from
a place of contentedness to
a place of deep dissatisfaction
I wish I could be done with this
eternal back-and-forth from
hanging on by a thick thread
to dangling by a pinky finger
I go from accepting where I am,
accepting myself despite my faults,
to despising even my best efforts;
my perfectionism rejects my blemishes
and it feels as if every time I rise;
I am brought down with a loud crash;
each one louder than the one before it
and each shock more devastating
~
my phone lights up with a text;
my mood lifts, my spirits rise,
and perhaps this time, I can dare to hope
that it will be permanent.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Such a great poem! I really like the theme of it. However, I did see a few flaws in it. Don't worry, it happens to the best of us. I am just here to read your work, write a review, and (hopefully) help you progress as a writer!
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1) Title & Description
Before I clicked on this literary work, I noticed two things. First of all, a lowercase letter is missing. In a title, almost everything but the sight words are capitalized. "To" is a sight word and should be lowercase in your title, instead of uppercase.
Another thing that I would like to point out is the description of the poem. Is it an abbreviation for something? Did you accidentally type something else other than a certain word? The description is ment to make the reader exited to read your poem, kind of like the little "summary" on the back of a book. It shouldn't make the reader confused. It's okay though. We've all done it at some point in our lives.
2) Capitalisation
You don't seem to use much capitalization in your poetry, and of course I'm not an expert, but I think that yours could use some. Like I said, I'm not an expert, so here's a link to something someone else wrote:
Capitalization in Poetry
3) Layout
In my opinion, layout is very important, especially in poetry. Towards the last stanza, you put a little "~" This is perfectly fine with me, but if I were you, I'd use that in every stanza. You don't have to, though I just think it looks nicer.
4) Rhythm
A poem is ment to have a rhythm, and, I can't spot one in this poem. Maybe, work on this a little?
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That's it! I didn't get too into detail in this review I I would've liked to, but I need to go now. I think you could tell, since I kind of rushed the last bits, haha. I can't wait to see more of literary work!
-@SuperOriginalName
Thanks so much for the review!
Hello. FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on this very cold day and to help get your work out the green room for you!
Okay let's begin.
I couldn't find anything wrong with this work, I think it was been written to perfection, the emotions in this peace are so strong they over whelm me in such strong feelings, and it made me feel more connected to the poem, well more than I already was.
I just love the choice of title, it fit's this poem so well, better then you think, and even the title has a huge meaning behind it.
The thing I loved most was the meaning behind this poem, I'm not sure if most people will get this if they read it, but I really do because I suffer the same thing. I to always seem to be shot down when ever I do something good, that puts me into a rut, and then everything I do seem to go wrong, and I really no what your talking about. And when you wake up the next day with a hope everything will be better.
If this is how you really feel about yourself and life, it too am going through the same thing, and the best thing to do is talk to someone about it, it always lifts a heavy wait off your shoulders and makes you feel better.
I hope this review helps if you feel the same way as the poem, I do hope things go better for you and you will write more poetry soon, and post it again on YWS soon. Have a great day or night!
Your friend
FlamingPhoenix!
Reviewing with a fiery passion!
Thanks for the review!
Your welcome!
I really liked this poem. I and many others relate to it, more than you can believe. How is it that at times a person can feel at the top of the world, then feel as if no matter what one does it gets him no where. I really like this poem and it gives me strength to know that there are others struggling like me. There was so much feeling and emotion in this poem and it conveyed more in a few words than I could ever with an entire book. Thanks for sharing this with us! I hope to read more of your work! Keep writing!
-Shieldmaiden
Thanks for the review!
I was a little confused about the rhyming scheme, but I'm not a poet, so I don't really know which types of poetry are which. XD Anyway, this was very descriptive and beautifully written. ;D Wonderful job!
Thank you!