The spot on her arm shows her damning sins
As she returns, stumbling through the dark room
From the words she tells from the lies she spins
The little one is damned through any lens
He is sent early to his dreaded tomb
The spots on his arms shows her damning sins
Though everyone tries to show you who wins
You say you were a monster from the womb
From the words she tells from the lies she spins
The grave shall soon take your false repentance
Dragging you and your damned life to what looms
The spot on her arms shows her damning sins
When you've brought your hands to Him to be rinsed
You can then take off the wicked costume
From the words she tells from the lies she spins
But for you there really are no reasons
Everything you have known has been consumed
The spot on your arm shows your damning sins
From the words you've told from the lies you spin
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Great poem... I love the way you write. It tells the story of a girl who is damned for eternity by her sins. It makes sense. The sins she has done. It was confused at the beginning because I thought that you were talking about sins she had committed in the past or through pictures. You should try to make it clearer of what the point of it is. It is great by the way. You should just make it clearer on what you are talking about. If you do that the poem will be perfect.
Have a Great Review Day
Trelose,
This is a great poem. I really loved the repetition that you used in this poem. It adds motion and rhythm to the piece and really draws the reader in.
Something that I would suggest is that you separate this poem into some sections. It has good content but in reading it I got a little lost. Maybe also add some punctuation? Without the punctuation it seems rushed and it's hard for a reader to get the full meaning. Other than that I thought it was a great poem.
Keep Writing!
TeenageSupergirl
Thank you so much! Like I mentioned below, I thought I added them but I guess I didn't.
(for some reason, it doesn't transfer from LibreOffice to here. D: )
Hey trelose!
Cheaper here. I really enjoy this piece. It flows very nicely making it for an easy read. I also really like the repeated use of the phrase "the spot on your arm shows your damning sins" and "from the words she tells from the lies she spins". For me, it emphasizes the meaning of each line very effectively. Now, for the constructive criticism and remember these are just merely ideas to grow the quality of your piece if you believe fit necessary. First, the diction throughout the piece is at a basic level and maintains to get the point through, but using a higher selection of words can increase the quality, so maybe try using a thesaurus and seeing if you can implement new words while trying to maintain iambic pentameter! Secondly, and well I think lastly, maybe consider adding some structure. Pairing structure with villanelle can turn out beautifully. These are only things to contemplate. Overall, you have no faults, you're consistent throughout the work. Well done. Hope this helps!
Your friend,
Cheaper
Thank you so much!
I do have a question: How would I add structure to it? This was an experiment and probably the most structured poem I've done (and I'm really trying to learn more, so this really helps!)
just separate stanzas, such as where you end a line that you repeated, or where an idea switches. so you could have 4 or 5 stanzas, or you could have 2 where the mood swings. all depends on what you would like to emphasize or highlight
Yeah, I thought I did that in the editor but it seems not. It doesn't like to keep the formatting I have in my word processor.
Is there a way to edit it?
i have the same problem so I'm not sure on here unfortunately :/
Sadness! D:
And thank you so much for your review. Seriously.
Hey trelose!
Cheaper here. I really enjoy this piece. It flows very nicely making it for an easy read. I also really like the repeated use of the phrase "the spot on your arm shows your damning sins" and "from the words she tells from the lies she spins". For me, it emphasizes the meaning of each line very effectively. Now, for the constructive criticism and remember these are just merely ideas to grow the quality of your piece if you believe fit necessary. First, the diction throughout the piece is at a basic level and maintains to get the point through, but using a higher selection of words can increase the quality, so maybe try using a thesaurus and seeing if you can implement new words while trying to maintain iambic pentameter! Secondly, and well I think lastly, maybe consider adding some structure. Pairing structure with villanelle can turn out beautifully. These are only things to contemplate. Overall, you have no faults, you're consistent throughout the work. Well done. Hope this helps!
Your friend,
Cheaper
I guess the message is, drugs are bad? The flow is good. Are you trying to make this rhyme? Several words repeated over and over aren't really considered as ryhmes.
It's written in iambic pentameter/villanelle - part of it being a villanelle involves phrases being repeated.