Oh, Mary, did you fall in love?
These city streets are so empty
Without you here, walkin'' 'round
In snowy nights, laughing sounds
Through the wood doorway, unseen
Oh, how I miss those nights of dreams
Warm nights in a parking lot here
Sittin' in my ol' Chevy
Finding some slight room to breathe
Watching the stars from the pier
Know that it's me held in your arms
Do you not yet recognize me?
Or have I been gone too long?
I never meant to cause harm
Or has time changed how you see?
Oh, how I wish you could know me
And the many things I have seen
There is no point to it, though
But know all the things I will be
And all the sins that I'll clean
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140,610 Literary Works • 673,552 Reviews
Hey, buddy. You're my closest and dearest friend so... I'm gonna tear this to pieces!
Anyway, though I'm your friend I'm here to review. Deal with it! I'll be hitting up your other work here shortly. You're probably asleep upstairs, but oh well. You'll see this in the morning!
Okay! First things first. The title. Although I understand what it's about, Mary just doesn't seem like a fit title for it.
Secondly! The flow is... Choppy. Its good in some parts, but like the lines,"Sittin' in my ol' Chevy
Finding some slight room to breathe
Watching the stars from the pier," it gets... Well, choppy. And that same flow repeats later as well.
Thirdly! These lines,"And the many things I have seen
There is no point to it, though," the use of,"it," bugs me. "It," would mean a singular problem, although the previous line says,"many," so it's contradicting itself.
And, another thing. Rhyming. It has absolute rhymes in some parts, yet lacks anything remotely close to a rhyme in other lines. I think a rhyme scheme, or no rhyme at all, is preferable. Considering the genre, and the style, going back and forth makes it seem kind of sloppy.
But, hey man, it's your song! I wasn't trying to be rude or harsh, but it's my opinions that I stated! I hope you continue your work, and I look forward to us writing together this week!
Sincerely- MatthewAaron.
Hi trelose
I am becca, I love the lyrics a lot and I honestly think that they're great and well expressed.
hope to read more of your writing!
hi, this is kman134, here and i'm here to review.
all-in-all, this is a pretty romantic, yet dramatic, song; the lyres were deep and well-written and the grammar is pretty structured.
"Oh, Mary, did you fall in love?"
the first part is what got me with the singer asking if the woman he loves is already in love with someone one else. it was very compelling.
Hope you write more.
Howdy! Sunset here to review, but you can call me Sun.
As you can see, I am here to review this piece of yours. First reaction? This piece kind of reminds me of a western type of poem, with the words shortened with the 's. I kind of like it though, it adds nice feel to me. But I don't know if it's just me or not. That's what makes this poem different than others I've seen, this is a different kind of style, from someone who lives in a different place than someone else. I think it's unique and nice of a style, one to consider to add in other poems you make possibly?
Another habit in here that I found was the questions. This seemed to be a theme of your poem, to have questions throughout the poem. I like poems with a certain characteristic that makes them what it is, depending on the author.
I have this pet peeve - nothing of a big deal or anything, just a grammatical error.
First of all, as I went through this again while typing it down, I noticed that "know" should probably be "now," unless I am incorrect or am forgetting something (knowing me I probably am). I noticed that that happened before, earlier in your poem. Perhaps that could be fixed? And that pet peeve of mine was the period this poem was lacking at the end of it. After the word clean it would nice to end it off with the period, though if that is part of the style of this poem than keep it that way.
Also, as it says 'working title' I think too that it could be improved into a better title, as you only mention Mary really in the beginning and move towards details and other parts. A more interesting title that will pull people in and want to read it would be better. I'm sure that a title will come to mind, as of right now I'm not really sure for any suggestions, though it should be up to you.
I said this before, I know, but I really like your style and poem here. Good job, keep writing and publishing them for people to see and read about!
~Sun
It's meant to be "know." Maybe I should change "But" into "Please" perhaps? And thank you so much for your response! I'm hoping to get a better title for this poem, but... Titles tend to elude me. D:
Yeah, I'm not very good with titles myself!