It was a bittersweet day when I heard them sing
that you had finally mended your broken wings.
And this time, you flew high but the wax didn't melt
But they carried you high above what all you felt
You'd never been given a chance to sing your song
And move past that old bottle that led you along
And down the path to where you were left wondering
But, don't you hear it now? The loud voice rumbling?
Your name hadn't yet been called, yet you left anyway
With a cracked bottle in your hand, you paid to play
With a roulette bullet that will always win
You paid the price for a life that led to this sin
When morning soon comes, you will no longer be there
Having your soul dissipate into the cold air
With the game over, the curtains draw to a close
The high price of this dreaded game still never shows
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,610 Literary Works • 673,552 Reviews
Hello there. I understand your poem very maybe 50-67% because of the mystery in it and all the 'them' and 'you'. For such a work, being certain about what you are talking about is not always the most important to point out in the work as a whole. I liked it a lot overall but at the start you wrote 'I heard them sing' and this is when my question 'who?' comes along. Maybe you talk about this person with the broken wings or birds, or something else but it is uncertain. The next line it continues with the broken wings that does not let you fly the way you want. It was kind of sad but then it twisted to an even sadder scene. While reading this, I thought about a fallem angel or someone who may be a normal human being but with a broken soul and body that needed to pay a very big price. The real meaning of this poem will always be a mystery for me but the sadness in it is certain. I also noticed that oyu had tried to make everything rhymed and I think it was a very successful try. Good job with it, it flowed very well while reading it out loud. I think this is all I need to say about this work.
Keep on writing and good job.
Hi
I just want to say i really love this poem. Honestly, I had to read it a couple times to feel like i completely understood it but its that abstractness and a dreamlike atmosphere that doesnt end after the story of Icarus that makes it so beautiful.
Suicide is an obviously traumatic experience and with the interesting retelling of Icarus im compelled to believe that the subject succeeded. Thats not what i thought the first couple of readings and this could be read different ways so I feel like i'll continue wondering for a long time. The disconnected and peacefully chaotic atmosphere is haunting and really enjoyed it.
Keep writing, please x
Hello trelose! I thoroughly enjoyed this piece and the mood it set. I connected with the perspective from the narrative and that's an important thing to do. Now, for critiques. One little thing, is the inconsistency of the punctuation. Overall, it doesn't critically affect the piece, but a poetry should be consistent throughout unless as the author its a creative choice. So there's that to consider. Next, your level of diction is effective enough to get the point across and drag the reader in, but I believe you could experiment with some higher or more descriptive word choices to add an even stronger image along with the already well written piece. Lastly, the rhyme scheme is a basic AB which suffices, but if you were able to experiment with more complex schemes or devices, it would add to depth of the piece. Now, these are all just things to contemplate and either add to this piece or contemplate when writing future pieces. You have the tools to creating good pieces, this is just to sharpen the tools and grow! Hope this helps!
Your friend,
Cheaper
Hello trelose! I thoroughly enjoyed this piece and the mood it set. I connected with the perspective from the narrative and that's an important thing to do. Now, for critiques. One little thing, is the inconsistency of the punctuation. Overall, it doesn't critically affect the piece, but a poetry should be consistent throughout unless as the author its a creative choice. So there's that to consider. Next, your level of diction is effective enough to get the point across and drag the reader in, but I believe you could experiment with some higher or more descriptive word choices to add an even stronger image along with the already well written piece. Lastly, the rhyme scheme is a basic AB which suffices, but if you were able to experiment with more complex schemes or devices, it would add to depth of the piece. Now, these are all just things to contemplate and either add to this piece or contemplate when writing future pieces. You have the tools to creating good pieces, this is just to sharpen the tools and grow! Hope this helps!
Your friend,
Cheaper
This poem is one of those types that I like reading. It has a smooth flow (from my perspective), it rhymed (These aren't necessary; I just like them.), and, most of all, how it conveyed its message. It wasn't too sad or morbid. If I read the description right, this is about suicide? Although the only thing I saw is that there is a sentence that began with "and", a conjuction meant to connect.