Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Dramatic

E - Everyone

White noise.

by Transport222


White.

Everywhere I looked, White. Where am I? What am I doing here? These questions flooded through my mind as I opened my eyes. I was in a room with dazzlingly bright white walls. At first I thought that it must be a lab but as my eyes adjusted to the light I began to notice the finer details. I was lying on a stone cold table, painted white. There were bars on a small window. Bars? I asked myself. There was a solid looking white door to the left of me and a silver ventilation duct to my right. It was the only thing in the room that was not white. From outside the door I heard footsteps. Terrified I looked for a means of escape and turned to the ventilation pipe. It was screwed on so I used my nails to turn the screws. The footsteps approached and the door opened as I slid into the pipe and not a moment too soon. The door creaked open and a man wearing a white lab coat stepped in. he spoke to someone outside the door, out of view, and hurried off. He looked menacing.

I breathed a sigh of relief and collected my thoughts. My mind turned to where I was. The last memory I had was of taking the bus to school as I did every morning. After that it was all blank, white.

I crawled forwards. The further I went the darker it became until it was pitch black. I wanted to cry out. I felt suffocated, but I knew no help would come from that evil looking man. Ventilation duct? It felt as thought there was no air in here. I’d lost all sense of direction. I was lost. I pressed my ear to the side of the metal tunnel. I heard the whirring of machines and the cries of birds. I must have been near the exit. As I shuffled forwards the tunnel seemed to grow smaller. Very soon I was pulling myself along with my elbows no longer able to crawl. Just then I heard an alarm bell ring and a voice that wasn’t quite foreign, but sounded exotic at the same time.

“Where is the boy?” he cried.

I realised that if I could hear them out there, they could probably hear me too. I stopped moving. Slowly, cautiously, trying not to make any noise I inched forwards and round a bend. Ahead I saw a speck of light. The ventilation shaft came to an abrupt end and I tumbled forwards and hit the floor. This corridor was grey but I could see the end. I pelted forwards. I didn’t care if somebody heard me. I could see the light and I was going to get there. The light was growing smaller as I ran towards it. A security lockdown. I’d heard of them. It was what happened in a prison if a prisoner escaped. All the doors automatically locked. I sucked in my tummy and threw myself through the gap just as the door slammed behind me. I was out in the cool night air.

I slipped into the night. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
5 Reviews


Points: 538
Reviews: 5

Donate
Thu Aug 18, 2016 1:28 pm
DanielR wrote a review...



Hey, Daniel here with the review!

I really liked this short story. I liked how you don't know what's going on. I saw one grammar mistake in the story. You said "I felt as thought there was no air in here." You put and extra "t," in though. I think that you should have made it a bit longer and made it so when you escaped someone tried to catch you but you fought him off. That would've added a lot of intensity to the story. Other than that I really like your story. I hope you keep making amazing stories like this because it was amazing! I'm looking forward to them.




User avatar
518 Reviews


Points: 7346
Reviews: 518

Donate
Sun Aug 07, 2016 12:08 pm
View Likes
felistia wrote a review...



Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Nit-picks

He looked menacing.
Okay so here comes a saying that you're going to hear many times on this site. It's called showing and not telling. What I mean by this is that instead of just say that he looked menacing, so that he looked menacing describe what he looked like. Was it the way he walked or the way he talked? Things like this will show that he's menacing. I have the exact same problem with my stories, but it's a great skill to learn and improves writing no end. :D



Story plot: This story plot was really intense and action filled. I hooked me as a reader and threw my right into the plot. I only wish that this had been long for I had so many questions like why is the boy there and who are these people, just to name a few? I hope that you do decide to write more on this story, because I think there's a lot of potential for a novel here. :D

Characters: I don't really know much about the characters in this story, but you made me feel exactly what the boy was feeling. I could feel his fear and adrenaline rushing through is body. I do wish that we'd seen more of that menacing man and that the escape had been a bit more tricky. This would have meant that you'd have had to carry out the suspense and the stakes would have been much more desperate. :D

Description: Your description for the most part is good. You don't dump me with paragraphs of description, but instead you insert it in to fit with the rest of the story. The description flows with the rest of the piece. Apart from the beginning where you say the word "white" a bit to much, it was great. :D

Title: The title I thought didn't really go with the story. What did you mean by "White Noise" I get the white bit, but not the noise bit. Maybe change it up a bit to make more sense. :D

Overall this was a great story and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D

This review courtesy of Image




Transport222 says...


Thank you very much for such a detailed review!I will take your advice into account. I wrote this for a suspense short story writing competition that my school was having when i was thirteen so my writing has progressed quite a bit since than. At the time the repetition of the word white was my way of starting off the suspense but you are right and i feel as if it somewhat clogged up the story. I will try to show not tell a bit more and i definitely see your point about expanding character.
Thank you for such a detailed review. Just one thing...
...Whats the Order of Dragons?



felistia says...


The Order of Dragons is part of the Knights of the green room. As a member of The Order of Dragons I try to get at lest one review a week done. It's basically a club. You should have a look at the Knights of the Green room. You can earn badges for the reviews you write. :D



User avatar


Points: 144
Reviews: 3

Donate
Sun Aug 07, 2016 10:57 am
View Likes
Kanaya wrote a review...



I love the language you've used in this piece, it makes it feel very dynamic and interesting. I felt quite on edge reading it, as if I was the subject in the story. If this is a piece you've written at 13, it's super impressive and I'm very excited to read more of your works now that you've matured and progressed as an author.

Acknowledging the comment you've made about it being an older work I won't be as harsh on the concrit however I think working on the flow of the story a little more will make it a bit easier to read and follow on with, as things seemed to happen very quickly and suddenly with not much prompting it - although I sense from the story that this is the atmosphere you wanted it to have. A little bit of polishing and experimenting with different ways to break up a sentence instead of periods and commas will help the story read in a more unique way, which I think suits such an intense piece such as this.

Good luck in your writing endeavours!




Transport222 says...


Thank you very much. I will take into account what you have said. Next time i will try to use more commas to break up the sentences. Thank you again. I still write a lot of suspense stories, some of which i may publish on here.



User avatar
10 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 10

Donate
Sun Aug 07, 2016 10:46 am
Transport222 says...



Sorry for the cheese but I did write this when I was 13. I will put newer work on soon but I wanted to start with a story I knew well!
Please review!





cron
All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times; but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, till they take root in our personal experience.
— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe