My wings fold out, their tips almost brushing the golden horizon, as I prepare myself for another day. The glowing orb of the sun appears amid a sky of blue. Its light casts an empty shadow over the tree on which I am perched. I shiver, not with the cold but with fear. If I don’t move soon then they might come. Time to go.
I flex my wings, watching the way my velvet blue feathers catch the light. I extend my wings once more and bend my head down low. Even though I have done this a thousand times before I always feel nervous on the take off. Looking at the forest floor way down below me, I watch the ever falling leaves dapple the ground in their changing array of gold.
I push off and tuck my wings in, allowing myself to succumb to the strong pull of gravity. I’m not going to make it I tell myself as I spiral round and round, desperately trying to open out my wings before I crash into the dense undergrowth. I can’t breathe. There is no time to even begin to think. Suddenly, my feathers flutter open and my descent slows. Time to fly up. I furiously beat my wings up and down, allowing them to fold around the air as I climb. I notice just how close to the ground I had become. If I had extended my wings a mere split second later I would be no more.
As I break the surface of the highest canopy a thousand others do the same around me. They swoop and caw in enthusiastic joy. I join in, dancing on the wind and allowing myself to forget about them. It’s just me and I am king of this forest.
Suddenly a noise like thunder brings me back to my senses. An anguished scream is admitted just beyond my tail feathers. I swoop round just in time to see a misshapen bundle of matted feathers drop like a stone into the tree I came from. Dead. Suddenly the inhabitants of the sky dart around in terrified chaos. I scream in my shrill voice, I cry to the sun. Our angered shouts drown out the noise of more thunderous booms. Something zips past my beak, too fast to be a fly too small to be a wasp. It has begun.
I dart about with all sense of freedom lost. I ignore the carnage around me embrace the wind, a dangerous thing in most circumstances but today it seems to feel inviting.
I ride the wind to a safe distance. I am unable to save the many dying creatures I left behind. I am safe for now…
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Hi !
Wow! That was amazing!The myriad of amazing adjectives give off such a vivid image it was almost like a film I could picture it so clearly !
I always struggle with descriptive writing but you definitely seem to have a flare for it !
I love your use of single clause sentences to build suspense (it worked so well)
I liked how you wrote in first person that really helped me engage and feel empathy with the bird !!
Keep writing !
(I'm really bad at reviewing things,I'm sorry!!)
Thank you! So much!
Hey
Told ya all I'll review this when I got the time
First off I love the first line if this piece, its a great topic sentence as it encased all the following details that will be described in the following paragraph.
So reading through it I really enjoyed it and you are good at using visual description however there are more types of senses that you can use to make it even better. I could see you tried to enhance them but you didn't really hit them perfectly well and that comes with practice to be honest. It is a great essay really because it flowed perfectly and there was no telling instead of showing so that's a very amazing thing
Lets take a look at all the senses: sight sound taste smell touch there is also kinetic and mental elements.
So while writing a descriptive essay or story its is better to plan it out really really well. Depending on what you need I suggest you pick the ones you are going to use and try to do a couple paragraphs on each without them interlacing (however if u have only two elements its obvious you might need to)
As an idea for sound:
Sound :" Suddenly a noise like thunder brings me back to my senses" This would make it descriptive : An terribly echoing thunder shocks me back into my senses"
If you want to work on the other senses together in future works feel free to pm me or talk to me on chat we can collaborate
Keep writing you have good skills here
~RS
Thanks for the review! That was really nice and i agree with you on making certain bits more descriptive!
Thanks for the collaboration offer! I will keep it in mind for future projects.
I am not very good at planing but I'm working on it so thank you very much again and i hope you have a good day/night!
you are most welcome!
Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
This ending felt a bit sudden and rushed compared to the rest of the story. I think that maybe you need to add in just a few more lines showing the bird's relief. It make the ending less sudden and give the reader a sense of satisfaction.Nit-picks
This isn't really a nit-pick, I just wanted to point out what an interesting point of view this is. I never thought of a bird being scared of taking off. You had my heart beating in my chest and I was so relieved with the bird pushed out it's wings. This was a piece of great writing.
Overall thoughts
Story plot: This was a rather simple plot, but it held a lot of weight with me. It's important to look at hunting from the animals point of view. Not to mention that the loss of life is unnecessary. I'm really happy that you wrote this. It's an important message.
Characters: I think that that paragraph that I pointed out earlier, the one about being afraid of taking off, I think that was an important part of connecting me as the reader to your character. This was a short story, so I wasn't to connected, but it was enough to make me care for the bird.
Description: I thought your description in here was wonderful and it really ran the show. It was strong enough to hold the story without any real dialogue and was rich with colour and feelings. I really enjoyed reading this. You know how to balance the description so that it doesn't bombard the story. It's really more like the salt and pepper of the story. With too much it's horrible and with out it it boring and tasteless. I think that you've found a pretty good balance between the two.
Overall this was a great story and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Please let me know when you post your next story. I'd love to review it.
Thanks very much!!!
Love the way the bird escaped. When i started reading I felt like I was the bird who is in terrible danger. Your writing gave me an awesome 3D experience. Your have a great writer inside yourself and keep it up. I don't have any single criticism. It was an unique experience of flying. I was honestly lost in your writing. It made a realized how can a bird be a real hero in it's daily life. We must celebrate 'BIRD DAY' in the world. A great piece of thought. I loved it. Keen to see your other writings as well. God bless u!!!
Thank you! That was a really nice comment!