I set out my sail
on this little boat.
With moon and star,
these waters new.
I hum softly so
echoing wall-less.
Calling out your song,
I drift.
Your nocturne
encases me.
Peering over,
floating angelically.
Your onyx pupils
encompassed by
the ebb and flow
of turquoise oceans.
Shimmering scales
beaming beyond colour.
You look through me,
and I lose myself.
Dry hands reach out;
I fall, without hesitation.
Her arms around me,
we dive.
Her beauty drips away,
a venomous smile.
The swarm awaits,
below;
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,424 Reviews
Love this!! You use great imagery!!I can just picture it
Thank you
Hey! I liked your poem I'll stay tuned to read some more of your work, my strength is not poetry but from an inexpert opinion I think maybe you should work a little bit in the ending but I don't know it's up to you.
Hey thanks for the nice comment, feel free to take a look at a few of my others if you like ^.^
And I was unsure on the ending also, but it was the way that I wanted it to end and I like the sudden change.
Thanks again
The imagery was amazingly vivid, just as Very stated below. I was pretty impressed. I liked the whole supernatural mystique that the work was shrouded in, giving it a sense of spirituality and mysticalness, yet it had a sense of urgency as well. The whole idea with the man being seduced by the mermaid reminded me of that one story arc on Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides with the missionary.
Yet the seduction in this was false and in the end it was almost frightening to see the transition. It seemed like an allegory for everything not being as it seems and that if you jump into the waters prematurily (no pun intended) it could have reprocussions and you might regret the decisions.
I loved the poem and hope to hear more from you!
- J.R. Spotswood
Thank you so much for your kind words and for the quick review ^.^
Really glad that you were able to envision the poem, when I write I really write to include a lot of imagery to make the poem feel more real and easy to imagine.
Thanks again
Hello! Let's review poetry.
First of all, I love your imagery, especially the lines
"Your onyx pupils,/ encompasses by/ the ebb and flow/ of turquoise oceans"
Very lovely attention to detail there and a broad sense of vocabulary. Nice! In the very last stanza, when Character #2's beauty "drips away" to reveal a "venomous smile" is nice as well. You can really get the sense of the horrible transition the speaker must have seen below the surface.
Onto the nitpicks:
- Throughout the poem, you switch on and off between second and third person (starts out with second person, but in the sixth stanza it changes without warning to third person). You should stick to one POV, unless there is a third character introduced in the poem (and if that's the case, then ignore this point, but from what I got from the poem, it's only the speaker and the mermaid).
- This may just be me, but to parallel the flowing and serene water you've described, your lines are too short and choppy to match that. Personally, I think you should combine lines for more of a flow to the rhythm, which is currently being chopped up.
- There are just a bit too many commas. Remember, each comma is a pause when read, so with each comma you have, there's another break in your rhythm. It too chops up the ebb and flow.
- This is just a little thing, but there shouldn't be a semicolon on the last line unless there is more to the poem that is missing. It's a simple typo, but it leaves the reader unsatisfied because he/she expects there to be more to the story.
Overall though, I love the story behind your poem (I really love mermaids), and I LOVE your title, because it ties in nicely with the content, but lets the reader's mind wander before reading the poem. Keep up the great work and I hope to see more from you!
- verymaryanna
Hey thank you for the swift review
Really glad that you liked the poem over all, and that you liked the lines that I enjoyed creating the most ^.^
I wanted you to point out the bits where i dip in and out of second and third, because I only describe the boatman and the mermaid. Where i have said 'We dive' I'm talking about the boatman and the mermaid
I've also changed some of the commas, i do agree that it was a little to choppy when it really should have been more flowing. As for the semicolon at the end, that's sort of my signature. I always put it a the end, because i feel there is always more to what you read.. so i always end my poems with semicolons to allow the reader to imagine what they like after the poem ends. That's my idea anyway
Thanks again