Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Each night before I sleep,
It watches me;
I feel its eyes slide over my skin,
Then leaves harmlessly.
Though it’s started to follow me,
When I shower;
Through the strands of steam,
It covets me.
When I clean my teeth,
It stands behind me;
Choking breath,
Stabs at my neck.
And when I try to sleep,
Slices of light cut through my opening door;
The monster stands at the end of my bed,
Its cannibal eyes eating away at me.
This night however,
It slithers under my quilt;
Its cold and painful embrace,
Engulfs me.
In salty tears I sob softly,
The creature returns to the door;
I open my sticky mouth,
“Goodnight. Father;”
Very well written. Firstly it kinda describes the way you feel when you are being looked upon and the way you have described it is very nice. I also write poetry of this kind. Thats the reason I was able to connect with this piece very well. Gr8 Work once again and keep Writing.
Regards
Harris141195
Hello! Lacy Rayne here(:
This poem was disturbing, but in a "i loved it" kind of way. The only thing I have to say is that the poem did not have a lot of imagery, I feel like it could be improved by using more.
At first, I also kind of though this was going to be a mental poem, like depression. But all the same, I loved it!
I feel like theres nothing bad I can say about this poem, it was really deep and horrifying. This is the stuff I love to read and what makes it so good is that its real. Its true. Not something you did just to do it. It was raw emotion!
I loved it and I want you to keep writing(:
Gosh this poem sent shivers through my core. Poems which disturb are some of the best, in my eyes. Which is the case with your poem. It's dark, creepy and somewhat horrifying.
I find it horrifying due to the last line:
“Goodnight. Father;”
Though it’s started to follow me,
When I shower;
Through the strands of steam,
It covets me.
Choking breath,
Stabs at my neck.
Hi TranscendingIllusion!
This poem was disturbing. In a GOOD way, not the bad way. But this poem created a very real imagery and made me gape while staring at the ending.
At first, I thought that it would be more mental kind of poem, like an imaginary monster. I even was very sure of it when you said
The monster stands at the end of my bed,
Its cannibal eyes eating away at me.
, the 'monster' catching my attention even more. And then, when it 'slithered under my quilt', it was literally holding my breath and when a piece of literature makes someone do that, you know that it is good. Then when I realized that the monster was 'my' father... wow. A sickening twist that makes me wish that the event is not real and would never happen to anyone.
Just a little typo I saw -
[It’s cold and painful embrace,]
It should be
[Its cold and painful embrace,]
because if it reads as 'It's', it is [It is cold and painful...] haha
A great poem, I'll remember this for a long time.
Keep writing! Mephis
Hey there! How are you? Purple here to give you a review! Let's get down to business.
This is an amazing poem with an intense theme and strong imagery. I actually have no complaints really this is really powerful and well written. I just hope this isn't your actual situation..and if it is feel free to message me anytime.
Have a good day
~Purple
This was rather unpleasant, but a very good poem. The twist that you made your father the monster really took me by suprise. Keep up the good work
Deadman here with a review for you. I'd like to say I wasn't expecting the end at all. I was expecting something to be depression related at the end! Just wow, what a surprise. Oh and of course eww. Well that's interesting, and now I'm scarred because you painted that entire image in my head. That's good that you were able to paint an image though.
Pros-
1. Great image, I could see all of that happening.
2. It wasn't a long poem, but it felt like it was a page from a book. That's a good thing, though because that means you described things incredibly well.
3. Interesting turn at the end. It's interesting that the monster was the father. Like I said I was expecting a depression related thing.
Cons-
1. My only con would be I hope to God that this isn't real, or based on an experience. If it is, that's terrible, and i'm incredibly sorry.
Great poem really. You formed it well, and described everything rather well. It was quite nice. I do hope I managed to help you out a little, and I really hope to see more poems from you in the future. However, until then, happy writing!
Cheers,
Deadman XD
Wow this was really creepy o_O but I don't like this idea that the monster is the father. It feels just bad....sorry but this poem was to hard
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