Wilhelm maneuvered through the crowd careful not to touch or be touched. He cupped a hand over his mouth and nose, trying to ignore the stench of the streets. Then he jumped back as a peasant hurled a bucket of filth into the road, not caring if it drenched anyone in a disgusting array of semi-solid liquids. His stomach lurched, and he gagged before composed himself. He gained speed as he neared the city gate, wanting to finally rid himself of the horrid mistake he had made by coming here in the first place.
By the Lord, he could not stand it any longer, the stench, the vermin, the fools who ran the guilds, and worse of all, the disease. The Black Plague, like a demonic curse, dark legions eating away at you until you were too sick to go on. Until you were a miserable wretch tortured by the time you remained upon the earth, and all you thought of was death. Hundreds of men a day, collapsing to eternal darkness, and there seemed no end.
Wilhelm shivered, he had to get out. Back to the lands, where there was air, and food, and it was clean and pure, not like the disgusting stain upon the world that was cities. He had to leave. He would die if he didn't.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This is a very good, Well-written story. However, you are lacking description and exictement. I would like to see more of it. Perhaps If you could try to stretch it out more? Have it slowly happen, and as he walks down in the streets, seeing people drop dead before him.
Other then that, you probably need to work on setence structure and using varied verbs and such more. It's very repetive, generic and boring.
Besides those problems I listen above, great job! I can't wait to see where you're going with, and keep writing!
No plagiarizing. - Snoink
Hi Torpid! Like I promised, I'm back. Sorry it took longer than I thought.
I have a few suggestions to see if they will help strengthen the story.
First, I noticed you use 'he' a lot.
This would be my edited version:
The only other suggestion I could make would be to slightly alter the first sentence. The part where it says 'touch or be touched' seems a little awkward, though I understand what you mean. I just think the sentence could be improved to establish that the Black Plague was so deadly, that it could be transmitted in close contact.
As for my slight editing, try reading the paragraph either out loud, or to yourself and see if it sounds better to you. I'm not sure if it will, but try it out.
There is one other paragraph that needs some minor touch up, but nothing major; just a break up sentences.
My second edited version:
I apologize. I sorta edited it - a lot but the two major things I did was I removed 'you' and added a few semicolons. My reasoning for removing the usage of 'you' was Welhelm is explaining what happens when a person is exposed to this epidemic (if that's the right word) and how it affects them physically and mentally. By using 'you' throughout the paragraphs, it's like you (meaning you, the writer is talking to me and not the character. The character should be talking to me, drawing the reader into their world. In other words, it's a tad distracting when the word 'you' is involved.
Other than that, like I mentioned before, I enjoyed your story.
Well now I'm really mad becasue something happened and I lost the next installment, and it was really good. And there's nothing like loosing your work. So im gunna go stomp around another website until it all comes back to me and I canrepost it.
THANK YUO THANK YOU THANK YOU!! I'll tryto add more soon...
I really liked this--the plague is an interesting subject, and I think through your choice of words, you give an accurate temper to the story--dark and dank and miserable--I would only change a few things:
I would change the period between "disease" and "The Black Plague to a colon, because it seems more appropriate, and gives your sentences more variation in length. ". . .worst of all, the disease: The Black Plague. . ."
When the sentence ends with ". . . to sick to go on.", and a new one begins with "Until" it reads a little akward, so this is my suggestion:
By the Lord, he could not stand it any longer, the stench, the vermin, the fools who ran the guilds, and worst of all, the disease: The Black Plague, like a demonic curse, dark legions eating away at you until you were too sick to go on--until you were a miserable wretch tortured by the time you remained upon the earth, and all you thought of was death. Hundreds of men a day, collapsing to eternal darkness, and there seemed no end.
Overall, a very good start, and I hope to read more soon. Hope this helped!
Wow! Really, I thought this written well, especially how you seemed to create this 'darkish' atmosphere and Wilhelm (which I like the name by way) trying to flee from the plague.
Out of all the sentences, this one is my favorite because I think it brings home how deadly the Black Plague was:
That was awesome! A lot of visions come to my mind, reading that because it's vivid.
There are a few things that could be altertered or changed. Nothing outragious in terms of editing but just some minor adjustments to possibly strengthen the story but I'll have to mention them a little later - errands.
But good job!
Thanks for the comment! I've been waiting for a while on this story. I actually like the idea so I will write more, and I see what you mean in the first paragragh. I'll get around to changing that later...
Thanks,
Torpid
I like how you describe things very well. The first paragraph needs to have some variation in sentences, not just starting with a subject the whole time.
What is the story about? I'm interested to know more! Please write more, and maybe (in this part) hint at least a little about what the story consists of.
Good luck!
Mary