Hey all, here's the next part of my Jump story. If you missed the first, here's a link:
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?t=57288
And now, let us begin!
Jump Part 2
The boy’s eyes fluttered open, only to shut themselves again. A bright light shone on his face. “Where…am…I?” He mumbled. A girl’s voice answered him.
“The JCTG. Juvie for freaks.” She said. Shielding his eyes, they boy sat up. The girl was around his age. She was rather petite, with long brown hair.
“W-what?”
“You’re a bit slow, aren’t you? This is a juvenile center to freaks like you and me and the other kids behind you. But they call us ‘telekinetically gifted.’” She said. Turning around, the boy saw several other kids, on bunks similar to the one he realized he was on. Most of them were asleep.
“Me? I’m not…” He started.
“Not what? Telekinetic? They’re never wrong. You probably don’t remember much, anyway, do you?” She asked.”My name’s Susan, by the way. Or that’s what they tell me. I don’t remember anything past when I woke up on this cot. And that was three weeks ago. It’s in the stuff they shot you with.”
Susan was a talker, the boy remarked in his head. But she was right. He didn’t remember anything besides a sharp pain in his lower back.
“Who am I?” He asked.
“Like I’m supposed to know? They’ll tell you soon. They know you’re awake by now.” She said, gesturing to a security camera in the corner of the room.She was right again. Soon, a bald man in a lab coat came and stood beside the boy’s bed.
“Hello. Your name is Mark. As Susan has explained to you, you’re in the JCTG. Here, we will test your powers and attempt to enhance them. Please come with me, now.”
Mark, as he now knew he was called, blinked. He had never had so much information thrown at him before. But he shakily stepped onto the floor, his reflective jumpsuit glistening in the light. Mark followed the man down a mirrored hallway, where the man gestured Mark into a dark room. The door closed behind him.
“Mark. Good to see you’re awake.” Said a voice from the middle of the room. A lamp turned on, revealing a man in a strangely familiar suit. “Now, you see this chair? I want you to move it. But don’t use your hands.”
“Wha—?”
“Move the chair!” The man bellowed, and Marks head throbbed with a sudden pain. He looked at the chair. In his mind, he pictured it hitting the man.
It did.
End of chapter
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Thanks!
Here I am! Finally!
This goes by so fast. It was like you built up this beautiful scene, perfectly, I might add, and then you rush this. This should be the longest part. You should have Mark think about how crazy this was, and how stupid the people were for thinking that he could move a chair. Something to bring the tension to my mind, and get me on the edge of my seat, waiting to see what happens next!
Send a link to my WRFF thread, and I'll read the next one! I liked it.
Classy
Thanks! Yes, I'm sorry it's so choppy. I have to write this in three parts for my school newspaper, so I have to kinda squeeze everything into a tiny amount of space. The stuff they got shot with was a special tranquilizer. And yup, I have some serious quotation and capitalization issues. XD
Thanks again!
NITPICKS
This phrase just seems really clunky to me, maybe you should leave out the "he realized" part?
The "s" in "she" shouldn't be capitalized. Also, I don't think you should have that "she asked" part in there at all. Maybe put something else in there, like about her tucking a stray hair behind her ear or something.
This made me confused. What's in the stuff? Huh?
The parts he is thinking in his head should be in italics.
The period after "now" should be a comma, and the "s" in "she" shouldn't be capitalized. This error occurs throughout your piece.. the improper capitalization after dialogue I mean.
The "now" is unnecessary.
Same capitalization error.
Should be "Mark's"
CHARACTERIZATION
PLOT
I would change the name from "Jump" to something else. Mostly because there is a movie called "Push" with this same sort of idea of people with telekinetic powers. Also because there is another movie called "Jump" with a psychic sort of kid in it. Come up with a more interesting title. However, the idea itself is pretty intriguing. I would like it if the people were tested on in some way or something.
OVERALL
Nice work - this is written very well and is very engaging for the reader. Can't wait to read the next part, for real.
Cheers,
Lena
Hey y'all. Could I get a review?
Umm... the JCTG?
Is it The JCTG or JCTG? Because in part one you use JCTG and part two you used The JCTG.