III
Sara ran, trying to find somewhere to be safe. Closet, there. Inside, safe. She collapsed on the floor, shivering, covering her face with her clammy hands. No, be strong, She thought, sitting up abruptly.Nothing was wrong--nothing had happened. She had been going to bed too late, recently. That, and maybe food poisoning from breakfast, had caused her to have an illusion, which would also explain the migraine in class. After a good night’s sleep, she would work on getting Nerezza to crack. She sighed and stood up. Everything was okay, even if her gut screamed otherwise. A chipped mirror hung on the wall, which Sara checked to make sure that she still looked good. And saw that a few strands of her hair had turned white.
Resilience is not a trait I admire. Of course, it can only be expected of humans with strong minds. So while this Saraphina will persist in her attempts to ‘crack’ me, she may even prove useful in the end.
Sara glanced at the mirror on the wall beside her bed. There was no mistaking the scattered white hairs mingled with the blond. Maybe it’s a natural change, she hoped. Her instincts, though knew it was not. Her parents had both left on business trips earlier that day, so the only ones who knew about her hair were Blanca, the housekeeper, and Darryl, the chauffeur. Blanca spoke very little English, though, and both she and Darryl knew better than to comment on their employers’ daughter’s appearance. Sara pulled out some dye from her dresser drawer. She was horrible at dyeing her own hair, but, she thought, drastic times call for drastic measures.
Ashley hung up with a hysterical Sara on the phone. Somehow, Sara had managed to give herself brown highlights in an attempt to cover up some odd-colored hair. Ashley looked at her own long hair in the mirror.Sara was blond, now with messy brown highlights, and Ashley was brunette with blond highlights. She and Sara were best friends, but polar opposites. Sara had brown eyes and twenty-twenty vision, whereas Ashley’s eyes were green and she wore contacts. They were both famous for being argumentative-- competing over grades, boys, and popularity. Ashley's family was fairly was well off, but not as rich as Sara's. Therefore, Ashley tried extremely hard in everything else to measure up. People always wondered how they could ever be friends. They both agreed on one thing though: Nerezza’s shell would have to be broken. Together, absolutely nobody could withstand their torments.
A week went by, and Sara avoided Nerezza at all costs. It wasn’t very hard, as Nerezza did everything alone. She even sat by herself behind the school at lunch, under the overhang to keep out of the rain. It hadn’t stopped pouring since the day she had come. Sara also noted that Nerezza never ate. For a slightly overweight girl, Sara found that unusual. Sara wondered if Nerezza ever slept, either. Her intense eyes were rimmed with dark circles, and she seemed to always be in pain.
Saraphina. Quite a nice name. It means heavenly or winged angel. The opposite of what the girl is. She watches me carefully, thinking that I do not know she is there. But I feel her presence and hear her thoughts, and she will continue in her quest to upset me soon. The strain of controlling myself is becoming too great, and I begin to fear for the girl and her friends as well. And Saraphina just may be the one I will need most in the end.
End of chapter
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139,427 Literary Works • 672,561 Reviews
Ooh, creepy. Definitely mysterious as well!
I think you can take out 'there'. Personally, 'Closet. Inside, safe.' sounds a lot better to me!First off--
She should be lowercase. It's after a comma, not a period.
Need a space after the period.
Basically the only nitpicks I found. Great job at editing the story!
'Ello good citizens of YWS! So, I reallllly want to post the next part of my story, but I could use some more reviews first. So, pleasey please *bats eyelashes* review? Thanks!!!
--Dreamy
p.s. Title suggestions are welcome!!! Actually, more then welcome.
Thanks for the reviews!! I'm currently writing more, and editing what I have.
Thanks again! Yeah, this isn't my best chapter. It needs a lot of editing.
I know it's kind of disheartening to have another crit when you've edited, so my sympathies are with you.
We also need some more information before such a jump. At least a page of info. Otherwise, we're left swimming. 
Resilience is not a trait I admire. Of course, it can only be expected of humans with strong minds. So while this Saraphina will persist in her attempts to ‘crack’ me, she may even prove useful in the end.
When I read what Jayleigh wrote about this, I said "Ooohhh..." I didn't understand that this was a different character... probably why I should read the first part.
Sara glanced at the mirror on the wall beside her bed
First off, whoa! Slow down a bit. She was in a school closet, and suddenly she's at home. If you want to jump to a different scene, give an indication of such. For example, you could do this:
[Paragraph]
*
[Next paragraph]
See what I mean?
Sara pulled out some dye from her dresser drawer. She was horrible at dyeing her own hair, but, she thought, drastic times call for drastic measures.
Some thought bubbles would be good here. Why is it so important to dye her hair? Does she think it might blend in? Does she think of Ashley? Details.
Ashley hung up with a hysterical Sara on the phone.
I'm partly confused as to why you put this part about Ashley. It's similar to what I said about ending a shorter section with the star; this is quite sudden, and leaves us swimming a little.
A week went by, and Sara avoided Nerezza at all costs.
Time passes, but we need to see some of it.
Sara wondered if Nerezza ever slept, either. Her intense eyes were rimmed with dark circles, and she seemed to always be in pain.
This seems a little odd; it sounds like Sara cares about her.
Saraphina. Quite a nice name. It means heavenly or winged angel.
The meaning seems a bit out of place. Perhaps you should reword it. Also, the name "Saraphina" comes from the word "Seraphim," a fiery six winged creature mentioned in the Bible. (Isaiah 6:2,6)
My main suggestion is that you slow down your story. This part was definitely more informative than the last, which is good. The only thing is that it keeps switching characters, which makes the reader feel overwhelmed. Just pause and think what you want us to get from reading this part.
Keep writing! I'm interested- because I once had a character named Seraphina as well! We're more alike than I thought.
*Seraph*
Tori-
sorry, like half of the errors are bad on my part...whoops..should have been more careful when typing...lol...so yeah...er...keep up the good work...
Thanks everyone! I made a lot of changes, and I hope it's better now.
Hey Dreamy!
Thanks for reviewing my work.
Here's my review of yours.
I love the way you write. It seems so alive and real.
But a lot of your sentences are choppy, especially in the first paragraph.
Also, did you mean overhang?
''under the overhand to keep out of the rain.''
That's all the time I have for now but keep it up!
-daydreamer
This part, I think you need to work more on transitions. Right now, it seems as if you are just stating facts and not actually flowin through a story. And your POV are sparatic and hard to identify. You have one sentence when I got confused.
First, you say 'I' which wouldn't make sense in your third person POV and it is random. You need to make more obvious changes in who is speaking. Make it a page or so for each character and do your best to keep that constant.
I think you mean overhang.
This doesn't seem to be your strongest chapter. I think it needs some work. I liked how you talked about the polar opposites, and it made sense with the story, just take it a step further. Tell us more about her friend, about her life. You know? Make a scene instead of just statements.
Good luck.
-Jayleigh
Hi, Summer here! Well, first of all, I really liked this! There are a couple of parts that bothered me though. Like this:
Maybe if you changed it up to look something like this:
it would look a bit better.
Okay there are a lot of mistakes in this, and that's okay, but just remember to always double check your work. Okay that's all! Bye-bye!
XOXOXOXOXO
Summer Night