Black and Blue ch.2

'Tis me again.

I'm sure you know the drill by now, Dreamy! I'll start off with the nit-picks, then move on to my overall opinion on this piece.

Class ended.

This kind of put me off as a beginning. There was nothing that caught my attention or made me wan to read on. To be honest, the beginning of every chapter should have something that catches the readers attention.

This one was different. Normally, they would cower before me by now, and give up. Realize that I was anomalous. At this time, I am too powerful, less in control. If she does not realize my abnormality soon, a painful end for her will ensue.
Sara was scared. This girl, Nerezza wasn’t normal. She was mysterious, unreadable. She spoke like someone from long ago. However, this only made Sara want to hurt her more. But before she could continue thinking, her vision swam, and she blacked out.

As a whole, I thought that this paragraph was very well written! The only negative thing is the fact that the last sentence caught me off guard a bit... You should have explained how Sara's head was beginning to ache and her eyelids were beginning to feel heavy. Something like that anyway. When someone is about to pass out, they don't just pass out in a matter of seconds. Trust me, I would know.

From what? She asked herself.

I explained the italicizing to you in the previous review.

The darkness was alive.

A small wooden table sat in the middle, with a girl, about Sara’s age, seated at the head. She hummed a soft tune and poured tea into chipped cups for several filthy, decapitated porcelain dolls. The girl looked up, and Sara noticed her white hair and shocking black eyes. The girl smiled. “Oh, good! You’re just in time to join our tea party!” She said, motioning for Sara to sit. She did so timidly. The girl pushed her hair out of her eyes. My hair. Sara thought. Mine? The girl laughed, as if she could hear what Sara was thinking and found it amusing. She fingered the deep black stone on her necklace as she laughed.

There's something about tea party's that just creep me out...

“Go ahead. You’ll join me soon enough and then we’re going to play forever.” The girl replied.

“Have you not another insult?” Nerezza finally asked, snapping Sara back to reality.
“You… You’re…” She spluttered.
“At last.” Breathed Nerezza, her eyes widening. She walked off, leaving Sara standing in the now empty hallway.

Good ending, it gets us readers wondering. The only thing I want to say though is that I'm kind of confused as of to if Sara actually passed out or not. Considering you said blacked out earlier, you kind of told us that she did. If she didn't actually pass out, you should say that everything went black or something.


Overall

Out of the two first chapters, this one was my favourite. In this one, it didn't feel as though you were rushing anything. I'm really glad that you didn't rush things in this. It made it easier for me to understand what was going on and it was simply nicer to read. When it comes to the idea of this story, I'm still very much liking this. After reading this chapter, I don't think that there are any vampires involved. For that, I applaud you! You never know though, I guess. A vampire could still creep into this somewhere. As for your characters, they are slowly growing on me. There are some things I'd like to comment on though when it comes to the characters. I'll go into more detail about that later on. So far though, your characters are still entertaining to read about and they do have stick out personalities. As for your grammar, just as good as before. I'm very impressed. The same goes for your spelling.

My main critique for this chapter are your characters. It's not that they're boring and dull, that's definitely not it. In fact, I very much like your characters. Both of them have their own, unique personalities. A lot of writers tend to create their characters so that their personalities are really similar. Therefore, they tend to be bland and pretty darn boring. Considering this isn't true in your case, there is something else about your characters that I would like to comment on. Basically, I'd like to know more about them. When I say about them, I really mean Sara. Nerezza is obviously supposed to be a mysterious character, so I don't want you to reveal too much about her. Although this is true, I would like to know a bit more about Sara. Simple things like her age, for example. I'd also like to know something about her family life. Who does she live with? Does she have any siblings? If so, does she get along with them? Does she get along with her parents? The beginning of this story would have been a good time to show this. When Sara's mother was shouting at her to get ready for school.

Speaking of things being a bit vague, I feel as though a lot of this story is vague. It kind of feels like you've jumped head first into the action. For the first few paragraphs, it's good to let us readers get to know your characters a bit and learn about the story itself. To begin with, where is the story set? Is it in somewhere flashy like Los Angles? Or maybe it's set in somewhere rather different like Mississippi? Woop! I can spell Mississippi! Sorry, back to topic. Do you know what I mean? It's always good to let your readers know things like the setting of a story. I don't know Sara's surname either, do I? That's something that I like to know. I think that it's a good thing that we don't know much about Nerezza. I like her as a mysterious character, it keeps me wondering about what's happening with the story. Right now, Sara seems to be the main character. When it comes to main characters, I like to know about them. Without knowing much information about the MC, readers find it difficult to feel connected to them.

As a whole, like I said in my first review, this story definitely has potential. I really like the idea behind this story so far. It's mysterious and it's certainly the kind of story that I'd like to read. I really liked the way you described Sara's dreams in this chapter, they kept me interested in what you were saying. Your grammar was once again very good and so was your spelling. Your characters have strong personalities and I am really interested in who or what Nerezza is. All that you need to do, in my opinion, is make things in this a bit more vivid. If you do that, this could most definitely be great!

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian