First Story--Part 10

by ToritheMonster

Published January 18, 2010

In Other Fiction

She opened the door quietly. Her mom was slumped outside, asleep and clutching an iPhone limply. Sara glanced at the glowing screen. Her mom had dialed 911, but had not pressed send. Sara crushed the screen under her heel.

Nerezza would never be limited by the police, she thought. Nerezza wasn’t even human, although she didn’t know exactly what Nerezza was or the extent of what she could do.

Sara had many questions actually. She pondered them as she showered, but solved nothing. She dressed in all black, along with a long sleeved tee to cover her scars. Ashley was a thing of the past. If Nerezza didn’t care, neither did she.

Her train of thought was cut off by pain from her foot. Sara looked down and saw that her heel was cut open where she had crushed the phone. She screamed in agony.

Nerezza never got hurt, and Sara’s pain reminded her of just how different they were.

Sara’s mom couldn’t hide her joy when she saw Sara, but said nothing. Downstairs, she saw almost 100 messages from her dad on the machine. As if he really cares, Sara thought, deleting them all.

To please Nerezza, she ate breakfast. Darryl had quit, as she discovered from a note on the counter. She crumpled it up. Her mom could figure that out by herself.

After lacing up her black Converses, Sara walked three miles to school. She remembered about her heel halfway there, but the pain had stopped.

I shall struggle through controlling myself today. Having the girl under my thumb will help greatly, but it may not be enough. The strain of last week has multiplied, and it is all I can do to not kill everything around me.

Sara stepped into the school. A few of her old followers were waiting, apparently unaware of last week’s events. They scattered when they saw her walk in, though, which she found amusing.

Not that she blamed them. She lifted the hood of her sweater over her head, pulling the strings so that it hugged her face.

She dropped her backpack in her locker, noticing all the pictures that had once featured her and Ashley now only showed her.

Sara smiled. She was glad Ashley was gone. Now it was just her and Nerezza. Nerezza was the only person who mattered anymore.

I cannot…control…must…get outside…pain…

Nerezza collapsed near the front doorway, much to Sara’s horror. She ran out of the classroom to her side. Nerezza turned to face Sara. Her eyes were completely glowing white.

“Child… help me up” Nerezza whispered. Sara helped her to her feet. Her hands were like ice.

“Outside.” Nerezza croaked. Sara slung Nerezza’s arm around her shoulders and led her outside, where Nerezza collapsed on the grass nest to the sidewalk.

“Run…far.” She said.

Sara ran aimlessly, past the school, until Nerezza was just a black smudge on a green lawn. Sara watched in shock as the green lawn turned brown and died; as shrubbery around the entrance shriveled up.

Nothing happened where the lawn met the parking lot, but trees on the lot’s other side creaked, groaned, and then fell, crushing cars and bikes. The leaves withered and the trunks turned black as they rotted.

Sara watched in awe until she looked down and saw that the deadness was spreading, and the grass around her was dying. She screamed and ran farther, until the school grounds ended and she found herself standing in the middle of a freeway.

She looked at the car an inch away from her and braced for the impact. None came. She looked again. The car wasn’t moving. As she looked around her, she realized that none of them were. The drivers sat motionless, some talking to someone else, some with their mouths open, talking on a cell phone. A dog with its head out the window had its fur blown in one direction, and its floppy tongue stuck out straight as a board.

Sara gasped as she realized that time had stopped. She ran to the side of the road to ponder, in case time started again. The grass on the side of the road was dead, and she touched it gently. Nothing happened, so she stepped on it. The dry blades crunched under her feet.

Um....I dunno, the font color change isn't working.... Nerezza says: I cannot…control…must…get outside…pain…, if you didn't figger that out.

Comments & reviews · 12
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ToritheMonster
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ToritheMonster commented Comment · Feb 19, 2010

Thankee for ze review.

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Lethero
Review
Lethero wrote a review Review · Feb 18, 2010

Okay, this #1 of the reviews I owe you.

She opened the door quietly. Her mom was slumped outside, asleep and clutching an iPhone limply. Sara glanced at the glowing screen. Her mom had dialed 911, but had not pressed send. Sara crushed the screen under her heel.

Nerezza would never be limited by the police, she thought. Nerezza wasn’t even human, although she didn’t know exactly what Nerezza was or the extent of what she could do.


You can make all this one paragraph. You don't have to, but I would suggest it.


Her train of thought was cut off by pain from her foot. Sara looked down and saw that her heel was cut open where she had crushed the phone. She screamed in agony.


Did she really smash it barefoot? If she did, I think she would know that her foot got cut open when crushing an object like that. Otherwise, the thick rubber of the shoe sole will protect your feet. Take these into consideration.

I shall struggle through controlling myself today. Having the girl under my thumb will help greatly, but it may not be enough. The strain of last week has multiplied, and it is all I can do to not kill everything around me.


If this is a thought, someone talking with their mind, something else that is similar, put it in italics. Italics represents emphasis as well as thought, so don't forget that.

They scattered when they saw her walk in, though, which she found amusing.


Weird wording, make a revision.

I cannot…control…must…get outside…pain…


Again express thought or mental speech in italics.

Nerezza turned to face Sara, her eyes were completely glowing white.


Change it to this to make better sense.

where Nerezza collapsed on the grass nest next to the sidewalk.


I'm sure you meant next.


Notes: Your story sounds a little monotonous. Add some feeling, more emotion. What did the cut in her foot feel like besides pain. Secondly, the story is missing details. You hardly transition from one thing to the next. Next Sarah/Nerezza/whatever is doing one thing and then is skips to the next thing. There is no details in-between things, add some.

Anyways, that is all I have to say on this one. I will move to next one.

Signed,
Lethero the Werewolf

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ToritheMonster
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ToritheMonster commented Comment · Jan 26, 2010

ok. there's a big break between them soon. Thanks!

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SeraphTree
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SeraphTree commented Comment · Jan 26, 2010

It's fine to have mini climaxes. We just need a break between them. ;)

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ToritheMonster
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ToritheMonster commented Comment · Jan 25, 2010

cool thanks, ill review yours later

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Atrevido
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Atrevido commented Comment · Jan 25, 2010

Dreamy, im going to review all your parts carefully, as soon as i get back from my swim !

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ToritheMonster
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ToritheMonster commented Comment · Jan 25, 2010

Thanks! :mrgreen:

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luvicecream Review
luvicecream wrote a review Review · Jan 25, 2010

I really liked this :D
Can't wait till you post the next part!!!
You are an awesome writer!! :elephant:

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ToritheMonster
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ToritheMonster commented Comment · Jan 23, 2010

Can I get another review, pleasey please? Anyone? Then I'll probably post the next part.

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ToritheMonster
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ToritheMonster commented Comment · Jan 21, 2010

Thanks! I don't know if you really can do this, but I kinda have little mini climaxes in between normal parts. I sure hope that's okay, cuz I've written a few hundred pages of this and I don't wanna start from the beginning! But thanks again, and I'll be sure to edit.

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SeraphTree
Review
SeraphTree wrote a review Review · Jan 20, 2010

Hey, Dreamy! :D
First off, I really, really like this part. You did a good job with description. Your first paragraph really captured me. :D The only advice I have is that with thoughts, put them in italics, or apostrophes i.e.:
As if he really cares, Sara thought, deleting them all.

'As if he really cares', Sara thought, deleting them all.

Whichever you're most comfortable with. :D

My only other thing is, a lot of sensational things are happening very fast. It makes it difficult to tell when the climax is, if we've reached/ passed it, etc. :) So, when you go back and edit [it's inevitable; we all have to do it. :smt005 ] Just keep that in mind. ;)

Other than that, definitely keep going. :D I really like how you did this part. :D :D :D :D

*Seraph*

:smt051



It is most unlikely. But - here comes the big "but" - not impossible.
— Roald Dahl