This is the story of Monica, as untold in the musical "Lost Souls" by Joshua Francis Peter Carias.
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Augustine took Monica's hand and led her to a bench in the middle of the rose garden. He wrapped his arms around her and looked into her eyes. "I don't deserve you," he whispered.
"Shhh," Monica shushed him, pulling him close to her. "Neither one of us can ever be perfect, but together, we can lead each other to Perfecton," she whispered.
"You don't understand..." Augustine began.
"It's okay, love," Monica interrupted, rubbing her head against him. "I love you, with all your strengths and weaknesses, faults and perfections, the good and the bad. I don't want a knight in shining armor to be perfect for me. I want to help you achieve sainthood."
Augustine smiled softly at her. "What do you want more than anything?" he asked her.
A dreamy look came into Monica's soft grey eyes. "I want a little place in the woods to call my own, next to a little creek. And I want it to be filled with wild yellowflowers."
Augustine chuckled. "I think you mean yellow wildflowers, dear. There's a reason I'm the writer here," he teased her.
"No, I mean wild yellowflowers," Monica insisted, as a tear threatened to make its presence known. It really hurt her when Augustine acted like he was so much better with words than her!"
But, as usual, Augustine didn't even notice. Monica blinked a couple of times and fought it back, smiling. The last thing she wanted was to cause trouble between them by selfishly putting herself first.
Monica stood at the bus stop in the rainy night, arms crossed over her chest and head bent forward as raindrops slid down over her face. It was late, maybe 930 or 10. Her watch had stopped that day, so she didn't know. She felt a cold wind pick up, whipping her short blond hair over her face and splattering more raindrops into her eyes. She shivered.
"Excuse me, but would you like to share my umbrella?" she heard a voice ask. Startled, she whirled around and saw a tall, maybe about 6'7", man with dark eyes and hair holding an umbrella.
She shook her head. "Yours isn't very big. I don't want to push you out from under it, and anyway, I'm already so wet. But thank you," she said.
"Okay," he said.
Minutes passed. Monica held out her hand. "Since the bus isn't coming anytime soon, we may as well chat and pass the time. I'm Monica," she said.
"Augustine," said the man, returning her handshake. His hands were very warm...
"Why don't we walk over there, by the fountain?" Augustine asked. He got up and strolled over, Monica trotting along behind him.
"My legs aren't as long as yours!" she laughed.
Augustine stopped and looked down, pretending to be searching for her. "I think I heard something down there!" he teased her.
Monica lowered her chin slightly and looked up through her lashes at him. He loved to tease her about the fact that at 5', her head barely reached his chest.
But then her heart stopped.
Augustine had dropped to one knee in front of her and taken her hands in his. "Monica, my love, you are my entire heart, my soul, my world. Will you let me spend the rest of my life loving you?" he asked.
Her head swam and she felt a wave of dizziness overcome her as she looked down at him (a rare experience!). As her eyes filled with happy tears, she found herself tongue-tied, unable to even breathe. She nodded faintly. "Yes" she whispered softly, a tear dripping down her cheek.
She felt him slide a ring over her finger. A delicate vine and flower pattern encircling her finger, a single diamond in the center of a gold flower, it was the most exquisite piece of jewelry she had ever seen.
"Gold flowers to match your beautiful golden hair, and a shining diamond to echo the brilliance of your eyes," Augustine whispered.
She giggled. "You're so sweet," she murmured. She started to pull him to his feet, then thought better of it and just threw her arms around him and kissed him. May as well take advantage of them being around the same height while she could. "We're going to have a beautiful family," she sighed into his ear. His arms tightened around her in response.
Monica awoke in the hospital, looking up into a pair of dark eyes.
"Don't worry. I saw the professor's name on your paper and turned it in for you," the man with the dark eyes said.
She stared at him. "Are you Augustine?" she asked.
He looked down at her, concern showing in his eyes. "Yes," he whispered.
Monica smiled faintly. "I'm Monica. Why am I here?" she asked.
Augustine's smile vanished. "You don't remember?" he asked. "Well," not waiting for a response, "I guess you did hit your head pretty hard. You were climbing a tree to get a paper out of it. And then you fell a good 25 feet and hit your head on the pavement. You've been in the hospital in a coma for three days."
"Three days!" she gasped in disbelief. Then she looked at him. "I know your name, but who are you? How did you find me here?" she asked.
Augustine looked down at her, eyes full of tears. "I'm in love with you. I'm going to marry you." he whispered.
"Do you remember two years ago, when I said you were like an angel come down from Heaven?" Augustine whispered in Monica's ear as they looked up at the evening stars.
Monica smiled. "Yes," she replied softly. "I was in the hospital, scared you were a creepster!"
Augustine laughed awkwardly. "I'm sorry about that. I was just nervous when you woke up and didn't know who I was, and trying to tell you how I felt, and, well, you know I'm not always the best with words."
Monica giggled. "And yet, you manage to be a best-selling author!" she teased him.
Augustine laughed. "That's different. I always know what the next thing said will be."
"I love you" Monica whispered.
"I love you, too," he replied. He kissed her, his hand lightly touching the back of her neck.
Monica sank to the floor, choking back tears, as he continued to beat her. She tucked her head down and covered it with her arms as she curled up in the corner, as he continued to curse her and kick her and beat her. "I'm sorry..." she whispered.
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Note: Parts in italics are sporadic memories flashing through Monica's mind and have no connection to current events or to each other, but are rather intended to provide insight and context for characters as the story progresses.
End of chapter
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141,251 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Hello there!
I saw the second and third part, being there all lonely in the green room so I will start with this part to be able to go on with the other two parts.
I overall like the story but I think things happened too fast with no explaination at all. I do not know if I am the only one that think this way but you could something to add before the marriage proposal and maybe more of her memories. I really enjoyed the Italics part connecting the memories of hers of their first meeting on a rainy day. For me, it was kind of strange for him to confess to her right away when she wakes up, not knowing what is going on, being in coma for so long. The last Italics part confused me because I could not connect it with the other part of the story, either the story or the past of hers.
I think that you messed up the dialogue part.
You have too many quote symbols and I understand them but the last one in the end of this cut is in need to be removed. It is not part of the dialogue and no ome says it so it is an action.
'930' I suppose, needs to be 9:30.
For the second sentence I am not really sure but I think you need to have action before action or something before other to use past perfect tense. Both actions happens at once, at least this is how it sounds because of 'that day'. Both actions happens that day. So you can not use past perfect tense. She did not know that it stopped.
Actions between two dialogue parts can not end with comma. And it is also the only action in this part. Fullstop after 'response'. I am not sure if there are other parts in which we have the same.
You need comma before 'you were'.
[quote] "I love you" Monica whispered.
You need the fullstop/comma after 'I love you'.
I would prefer fullstop but you put comma in this situations even if there is no second part of the dialogue.
Good job and keep on working.
"Daaannnggg, bro. PTSD much?" - Zhoma Sacred, A Trip to the Woods, 2015
Well... this was... a story...?
Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Let me try that again.
This was, in a way, sort of intriguing for a romantic short. While I myself am not a big fan of romance, this actually seemed pretty above average, you know, compared to what...I'm...used...to...
(flashback to every romantic fanfic and movie ever)
*ahem*. That aside, I found the story sort of difficult to process at first, as I'm not used to good imagery- I myself am horrible at it. The parts in italics sort of threw me off at first, as I wasn't quite sure what they were supposed to be, but thanks for the footnote! Even though it'd be an easier read if the footnote was a biiiittt higher next time. Also, I'm rather confused at the plot. My first time reading, I thought Augustine proposed to Monica directly following their meeting on the way to the bus, then Augustine proposed to her at the hospital, THEN as years went by, he turned into an over-dominant husband. It seemed kind of like thrown-together ideas with no real consistency, but hey, I'm not that experienced of a reader. If it helps, reply to this comment with details as to what exactly the plot of this is. Peace!
Hey! So this is just chapter 1, the next two are published and I'll get 4 up after review day. But what's happening is that everything in the regular type is the story, with Augustine proposing. The stuff in italics are memories of Monica's, and don't really have anything to do with anything other than to give the reader background and context for later events. I did consider putting it above at the very beginning, but then I decided to do it at the end because I wanted the readers to have to be more invested in order to understand it. However, if it isn't working that way, I'll move it. Thanks for the review!
Hello there! I'm here for a quick review on this lovely piece of yours ^^
This was quite an enjoyable read, since it's short and sweet and it quickly introduces us to the characters while developing their relationship in an interesting way. It captures my attention early on and I commend you for that. Overall, it's interesting the whole way through.
That being said, I don't feel like a lot happens in this chapter after the marriage proposal. It mostly seems like filler after that and not much point appears throughout the rest. Yes, we begin to understand the start of their relationship and all, but it doesn't feel like the right time. This is just the first chapter and I want to be seeing some kind of conflict, something happening to keep reading for. Honestly, this feels concluded right here right now. Why should I go on?
Something that confused me as I was reading was Augustine's sudden change in attitude. At first he was asking to marry her and then he was saying he wasn't good enough? That doesn't make much sense. It takes a lot of confidence to propose to someone and often takes a lot of mental preparation, so then why would he suddenly go from this high to low so quickly? Especially since she said yes. That doesn't make much sense.
Also regarding sudden change of motives, I don't understand why Monica suddenly agreed to talk to him. He was talking about marrying her after never even seeing her before and she's creeped out at first but she doesn't do anything else. It doesn't make sense. A normal person who had just woken up from a coma would probably be screaming for this creep to get out of her room.
And what about her parents where are they? And why would the staff let some random stranger just be there for her? Normally people are only allowed to visit critical patients if they are immediate family. Only. Usually significant others (aside from spouses, from what I've read) aren't even let in, so why would he be there? It's odd.
Regarding the setting, it feels very blank. The proposal is adorable and all, but I'm left with nothing. I don't know the setting nor what they look like and that would be very helpful to know. It would probably add more impact to the scene and also characterize the two a little more! Proposals are important events and by showing the preparation before hand, we can learn more about what makes Augistine, Augistine.
One final thing is that I felt like the flashbacks were sudden and out of place, so they really confused me. That could probably be reworked.
If you want further explanations or have any questions please feel free to message me and I'd be happy to help!
Happy writing,
~ Wolfe
Thanks for the review! To answer your question, I looked it up, and most hospitals allow anyone to visit any patient, but those in critical condition in the ICU have a limited number of visitors at one time.
Ohh! Alrighty then ^^ Thank you for correcting me on that. And I'md glad to've helped.