Everyone likes chocolate, no matter our age or ethnicity. But those who have that rare talent for consuming said candy in great quantities that baffle all others—those are who we look for. They are the rare gem we need to combat this terrible foe.
Who are we? Well let me show you…
…………………………………………………………………………………………
“How long until the new recruits are here?”
It hadn’t been long since the last sighting of the invasive chocolate. That syrupy mess that tumbled over tree and city, destroying all in its path. Each time we stand out against it, we lose some valuable members of our elite team. Some because they don’t have the eager taste for chocolate anymore… others due to the chocolate itself.
“They should be here any minute, Ma’am,” Arla says. She is my second in command, brought into that position ever since the last was dismissed due to stealing our precious straws. I trust her with everything, even the safekeeping of our weapons—the straws themselves.
Except for those rare few, we are all women here. The men just don’t have what it takes. Really, there is only one requirement: a sweet tooth that never stops craving for more.
“Very good,” I say. Arla doesn’t expect me to tell her more. If I am known for anything, its bluntness.
My name is Soni. Don’t ask for my last name because I have hidden it for confidential reasons. No one knows the reason for my sudden appearance to build an army to combat the sweet liquid. Neither do I. The duty presented itself to me and I answered it. So here I am.
That is all you need to know.
Our hideout isn’t that techy or even comfortable. We occupy hotels around the country. Abandoned hotels, where people evacuated leaving everything behind. It’s a sad thing, walking through rooms of houses, picking up pictures from the floor of a family. Dust covers the glass like a mask, hiding the faces beneath. Hiding the smiles of joy—something I don’t see any more.
Sometimes I want to break down and cry. Can we really defeat this enemy? After years of battles, we haven’t gotten any closer to our goal. It’s almost as if the chocolate is possessed by some evil creature or something—I don’t know.
Sometimes when I stare down at that massive ocean of swirling liquid, I get a hollow feeling in my chest. No, every time. Because I always know what is going to happen next. What will follow in the moments after that first sighting.
Havoc. Death. Failure.
It never changes.
So we do what we can do. We bring in more recruits. For most people, it seems like a glamorous job—running about the country with the WCFA, fighting the chocolate alongside heroes. But their idea changes once they truly encounter their enemy. Their whole idea—their entire mentality—transforms in an instant when they truly realize what they are up against.
Throw the Hershey chocolate idea out the window. We deal with Death here.
I hear footsteps behind me. Even before I turn, I know that they aren’t Arla’s. Her step is soft, like a young child. Years of training has given that to her. These are heavy footfalls, and many of them shatter the silence. They break my thought into little pieces, scattering it about the room where I cannot regain them.
I frown and look at the new recruits standing in front of me. They struggle for a place on the carpet, and at first I think of yelling at them—telling them to stop. That there are worse things than being squeezed together—but I breathe out tiredly. No lectures today.
There are five of them, young and fresh. Seeing them standing there, so brave and promising, brings a warm feeling to my heart. At least I am not doing this alone.
“Why are you here?” I motion to the girl closest to me to step forward. She is wearing an army outfit that looks too big for her. I can tell she is wearing it in the hope that it will impress me.
“T-t-to help you, Sir—I mean, Ma’am.” Her voice is quiet, but I do hear resolve behind the words. There may be hope for her, yet.
“To help me?” I don’t even try to keep the angriness from my voice. “I don’t need help! Those who need help are fleeing for their lives, evacuating their homes in the fear of the chocolate. Those who need help are behind us, depending on our small army to keep the enemy at bay. Those who needed us are dead now, smothered beneath the chocolate’s embrace.”
I scan all of their faces, looking each in the eye to see what lies beneath. Most look serious, but some like they came to have fun. All now see what they are going to be put through.
“By joining us, you are helping those too weak to fight.”
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Dear TimmyJake,
I was just reading along, when I hit this part:
"Except for those rare few, we are all women here. The men just don’t have what it takes. Really, there is only one requirement: a sweet tooth that never stops craving for more."
I was sitting in a quiet library when I couldn't contain my laughter and then started choking. So, thanks for that humiliation, good Sir.
Now, I better keep reading...
"Throw the Hershey chocolate idea out the window. We deal with Death here."
I was more thinking melted Reese Peese. (That's my favorite kind. lol) But very humorous anyway!
I like the paragraph where you spoke about Arla's light footsteps in comparison to the recruits. It was very descriptive and I really like how you wrote it.
I won't pretend that I am any good at reviewing...but I hope that this comment, though it's rather late, will convince you to write a full blown book about it. I'm telling you this, any woman who will read it will bust a gut with laughter, because they know what you say is true about themselves. Every guy will laugh at the irony and think back how many times they had to buy their girl chocolate....
This story has such a mix of humor and despair; it really has potential.
~Rose
YAY. I made someone laugh! Now that means I'm doing at least part of my job right. xD You like Reese-Peese? Decent stuff, it is. :p
You know, people have been telling me I should write a book based off this, and I never really thought about doing it. I think now you've given me the final push to make it a reality. c: I'll make it into a book now.
Thank you. <3
Yep, you did the job right.
Reese Peese rocks. <3
This makes me really happy! I think readers would find it even more amusing that it was written by a guy. xD
Even though the story started out for fun and about something silly like monster chocolate, it has enough of a rich (no pun intended) history and a dark past to it. The sadness of the story really does make it sound serious enough to turn into a full blown book and even though the reader will be laughing all the way through; they can't help but wonder what happens to the people.
Good-luck!
Sir Timothy, sign me up. I am ready to fight chocolate to the death. Until, I am to full and big to move. Until, every last drop of chocolate is gone. I am prepared to take this mission.
I LIKE IT. No, I LOVE IT! This is honestly making me laugh so hard. The straws are amazing. Gosh, I wish I had your imagination.....and sweet tooth. LOL! You must have really been craving chocolate when you wrote this XD.
Once again. I am ready for duty.
Annie
Thank youuu, yet again. This review made me smile so much. xD <3
Your welcome. I'm only returning the favor. You gave me quite the laugh when I read this LOL!
you never told me you a wrote a story about chocolate O_o
I am reviewing this later~
hee-hee
Pompadour was sad, so I wrote this to cheer her up.
You never asked.
and now i am completely drawn to this story, whenever the next part is up, let me be the first to know! is that understood!!
Will do! Thanks, Bee!
At the end of the day, you have a novel idea. That's spectacular, that's the raw ingredients for a readable story. Forget Aesthetic theory and that tenuous and slippery notion, 'style.' Because what you have is something truly novel.
Unfortunately, the vehicle by which this novel idea is presented is lacking. Like I said, forget themes and searching for something deeper, forget the literary side of penning a story and let's just focus on making this the best it can be in terms of readability and appeal.
What you need to do is focus on editing away the extraneous, whittle it down a little then polish it. I think I will show you what I mean in the actual text.
Now with silly or absurd ideas, in fact with anything that would not be considered 'real' it is best to quickly get the setting and the non-real elements established early, then unless you are trying to evoke the truly absurdest styles of the likes of Heller, you should make sure that everything aligns with the non-real setting. Justify everything. Keep effect justified by cause. For instance, don't spend a lot of time dwelling on the past and what brought the characters and the world to the state it's in and focus on details as though they are natural and require no great explanation, but are intrinsically justified. So for example, when you speak of the straws, you don't need to tell us that they are of great consequence, but make the characters treat them as though they are of great consequence without leading into a windy explanation and without info-dropping. The setting, where they are kept, the way characters speak of them and more importantly, the way characters treat the straws are enough to establish them as important and is therefore enough that we need to experience and see as readers. Just make sure that the treatment of the straws is consistent with the non-real factors and you will only be asking readers to take that initial leap of faith. It's one moment at the beginning of the story that we will question the plausibility of it all. As soon as we have accepted this world and this reality, so long as it is consistent and you are not over describing things and over justifying them, we will stay with the story and we will not doubt the authenticity.
We will trust you. The trouble is, at times, you break this important rule. You lose confidence in the reader and consequently the reader loses confidence at you. Remember, we are with you all the way, just don't treat us like idiots.
Good.
Not so good. This the extraneous part. We don't need to know this yet. Let the tension build. Let the reader speculate a little and work it out themselves. Let the characters act in a way that would indicate that the chocolate has this effect... Don't tell us directly. You yourself as the author should know that this is what the overwhelming chocolate wave does, but the reader doesn't need this insight yet.
Again, this is far too direct. We are with you, remember that. You can just tell the story, tell us what happens. So far you have dedicated far too many words to setting.
The story should start here.
This is exactly what I was talking about. You don't need to say precious, its tautologous, the fact someone would steal them is enough to indicate that they are precious. In fact line simply states exactly what happened in direct and simple language, as an author you are not doing your job. You are telling and not showing. You could show us an insight into the narrators character here, but you miss the opportunity.
Something like that reveals a little of the narrator's character and applies an appropriate amount of emphasis on the straws without going into exposition.
This could be:
Again, here comes raw unfiltered exposition. It's blatant and completely unnesasary as all these details will reveal themselves naturally over the course of the story, cut to the chase...
there you go.
Again, you basically say the same thing twice.
Now something else you do is use the negative. You should always use the positive if you can. For instance don't say "He was not tall" rather, "he was short" or "he was of average height."
So when you say:
You should say:
That allows the reader to imagine the scene and does not break the suspension of disbelief because we never have to stop, we are never snatched out of the scene to be told about the setting. It comes naturally and subtly, all details push the story forward. Don't get me wrong, it's not great, but I'm sure you understand what I mean.
So all said, this relies too heavily on what I first said, the novel idea. However, too quickly it runs out of steam. Too quickly the reader is finding themselves jerked between setting orientated descriptions, devoid of character. I feel this story will never truly provide any great insight into the human condition(which of course is not the point, is it?), but as a concept and the ambition of the piece is above pulp genre fiction because it is truly novel and with that alone, you have the opportunity to craft something memorable and win readers. Let's just see if you can craft it in a way that brings the writing itself up to scratch with the concept.
JP
To be honest, I am not attempting any great fiction. This is just fun!
But man, you can really help someone out with issues throughout their work. This has been an immense help to me. Truly. I just hope that my writing can equal your review.
Thank you for everything!
This was... hmmm...
This was a humorous story here. I mean, it seems serious, but you're fighting CHOCOLATE. Think about this for a second. Chocolate, terrorizing cities and devouring the youth of the world. This is pleasurable for everybody, especially for chocolate lovers.
There's only one thing that bothered me about this. You said:
"Dust covers the glass like a cover, hiding the faces beneath". The fact that you'd use 'cover' twice irks me to no end. Couldn't you say something better, like 'mask'?
Anywho, I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. Arla is a great name; I love it. I can't wait for part 2.
Thank you for your review!
Oh man this is such a perfect chapter! I will admit, this will probably be a short review.
Hehe, I didn't think you would actually continue this, and I am glad you did. I wonder what is going to happen in future parts... what will excite and liven up this battle with the chocolate? I also love the fact that it is mostly women on this team here. Undeniably, yes, we love chocolate. Whoever said diamonds were a girls best friend? They clearly hadn't has any Cadbury's before
Okay, I don't have anything to correct, but I do want to mention some things that could use some expanding on. Firstly, I wanted to know where the chocolate was coming from. The first think you look for in any type of target is its source. If you stop the source you stop more being produced and it eases up the probably of it constantly coming. My question was, do they know where this point is? And if not, how are they going to go about searching for it?
Well, that was especially mean of her. And also kind of random xD We want to know what motive she has! Why on earth would she be stealing straws when it is meant to be an operation that solves a sweet problem? Especially when the invasion could endanger her too.
Also it would be nice if you mentioned where all the people that evacuated went off to? I am wondering what sort of place would be safe from the oncoming chocolate tsunami (ooh you should call it a chocolate tsunami) as well. Maybe you should mention how you have people on the frontlines with straws and some that are passing buckets back so it can be made into all types of chocolate bars which are being sent to the homeland of people. So they too can do their own bit in the war by eating chocolate too or something xD
There are so many things you can do this! I can't wait to see what you choose to do
Deanie x
Thank you for your review, Livvy!
You raise a lot of points...
To be honest with you, I wrote this in thirty minutes and didn't think about all that stuff...
I will fix those issues soooooooooon.
I kinda thought that. I know this is more a fun thing than a serious one as well
post this on my wall
Post what? xD
the link
Its. right. here...
Why do you want a link?
so when i finally stop being lazy i can get it on my wall
get. what?
Why don't you just readddd it if that is what you want?
He means he wants to promote it but he wants you to remind him to remind himself to promote it on his wall.
I think.
Whoaaaaaaaa. Drama. And chocolate! I love it!!
Thank you!!