Invasion of Chocolate

Dear TimmyJake,

So...I was told I had to read this story by my sisters. =p

This story was obviously meant to be ridiculous, and it was rather enjoyable. The humor of the story was all throughout the story, like waves of chocolate. But I like how somehow you also made it sound serious. The destruction...sickness...despair...of chocolate! *evil laughter*

It was as if I was reading a real chocolate war, of something which I believe (or hope) couldn't ever happen, but to the people inside the book; it did. It was descriptive and showed us clearly the emotions they felt.

The main character had a strong personality and you portrayed her very well.

I couldn't help but crack a smile when I read the last sentence. haha

All in all, I really liked it. = )

~Rose

Oh my gosh I love this story! I love how you took something so random and whipped up a story about it. Better yet, you made chocolate seem evil! I don't even know what life IS anymore! This is really creative and unique. My friend loves chocolate and I think I might show this to her. I mean, you turned chocolate into a man-killing machine! Probably the best thing I've heard all day.

Hey Timmy! So the other day Annie starts bursting into laughter and to show me this story. I couldn't help but laugh along with her until my little sister Honora comes in and asks what we were laughing at. We read it to her and she gives us a weird look and says "Wow."

I must admit that this story is pretty weird yet so hilarious. You can most defiantly sign me up for that army As much as Honora said you were weird I must say that this story shows that you have a creative mind... if someone said write a story about "Chocolate" and "happiness" I would immediately think of someone eating chocolate, yet you decided to twist things up a bit. I thought this was a cool story exercise

The one mistake I found in the story was that at the end of this sentence you didn't have a period "


keep them from the invading sweet liquid

"


That's it lol


Man, this is a AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING story haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahah you sure gave us a good laugh *laughs until tears*

Loved it!

~Selina

Wow....all I have to say is WOW! You are now my best friend. Let me into this story and I would eat it up. This is my favorite story on YWS so far! Hahaha.....and ha x 10000000000 times and I still wouldn't have enough laughter out of me. I wonder how over-weight these people are =P

“Men and women… draw your straws!”

keep them from the invading sweet liquid

yeah, saw part 1 so i had to go back to where it all started and i'm loving this!

Hello timmyjake,

Magenta here for a quick review on your quick short story that you've written a month or so ago. I know that this is quite a late response to your writing, but I never actually saw it until today when I was looking through the short story. I must say, you have definitely chosen the right title for this piece. It certainly caught my attention and that was the reason why I wanted to check this piece out. Chocolate Invasion! Anyway, I have a couple of comments to make on this hilarious piece.

"She even remembered having to drag unconscious women around to keep them from the invading sweet liquid"

I would just make sure that you add a period at the end of the sentence.

"She watched the brown syrupy liquid for a moment longer, wondering how it remained so, and then turned away from it."

Would you consider it to be "syrupy"? Just one more thing, wasn't this supposed to be happy? I mean, people were being suffocated by tons of chocolate. Okay, I guess it isn't that bad. I wouldn't mind dying by the hand of chocolate. You would have a delicious death. I also think that you could have a sequel because we all want to know what happens after this and whether or not they survive. Though, they would probably die before they actually got the straw to their lips because you said that it crushes mountains.

Anyway, eat more chocolate and keep on writing. And remember, a sequel would awesome!

~ Magenta

I'll admit, I was pretty surprised with this piece. In a good way! I loved the originality of the idea. Most people don't typically write about chocolate, even people like me, who absolutely adore it. I did find one punctuation error, which is the last sentence in the third paragraph, where you forgot a period at the end.And one thing that bugged me was the fact that you used the word "liquid" a lot. So, I would try to word that a bit differently so the story seems less repetitive. I have to admit, my favorite part of this story was the last sentence, which I totally didn't see coming. Plus, I like the humorous approach to fighting chocolate. Well done!

Uh... wow.
This is one of the satirical pieces that I really love. Your writing is simple, but it works for these kinds of stories very well. The backstory was quite enjoyable as well, so many people I know would just write out a long grandfather's story several paragraphs long, but you did so with just one very short one. I applaud you on that.
There are a few errors though, namely the part where it is said: "She watched the brown syrupy liquid for a moment longer, wondering how it remained a liquid". It just bugs me how liquid is repeated, so I suggest you can write something like: "wondering how it remained so."
Besides that I didn't find any other errors. I love this story, and keep on writing, this site needs writers like you.

Hey timmy!

Without them, the world would have been lost long ago, being overrun.

Timster...

Yus this was good. It may be short but it was very well written and very entertaining. One thing though: why doesn't 'she' have a name? I was also very curious as to if they won the battle of chocolate... and where it was all coming from? This needs to be longer D:

Deanie x

Hey there! Review for ya. LMaO.

First off, this made me laugh...a lot...so it definitely did what a funny piece is supposed to do. Good job with this. It's interesting, I've actually had a dream exactly like this, except that instead of chocolate invading it was Jello...I hate jello. But anyways, nice going with that.

Although this was probably just meant to be funny, I'm curious as to whether or not you intended some sort of deeper metaphor. Often foodstuffs can be used to represent certain socioeconomic and/or racial groups and to characterize them as well. When I read this over a second time I almost doubled over with laughter at the idea of the chocolate representing the invasion of African Americans into pop culture and the political arena XD. (don't worry I'm not offended lol.) I'm sure you probably weren't going for that interpretation but the cool thing about funny stories is that there's a million different metaphorical directions a reader could take them in and just so many ways to interpret the narrative. Anyways, good job!

Keep eating chocolate.

-GL24

Yello Spammy! Happy review day!

Thank you so much for writing this! I didn't think you'd really do it, and it was so lighthearted and altogether hilarious that it deserves to be on the spotlight! Seriously. No joke.
I won't review this in a critique-y way since well, it's not meant to be read in a critique-y way. So I'll just go over what I liked, and point out a few nitpicks to satisfy my inner-reviewing-Napoleon!

OK, so what I enjoyed about this was how you slowly build up suspense, telling us about how the killer chocolate flood is destroying all in its path, and you explain how and why it happened so neatly and concisely. You don't bore us with heavy descriptions (Trust me, I would know. I have found I am quite adept at boring people with long, heavy descriptions. XD) and yet you convey all that you want the reader to know. You also round it up really nicely, bringing us back to the present moment. So have a thumbs up here!

Couple of places where the sentences could use some restructuring are:

They were going to find that out soon enough.

“Finally, a day has come when we shall battle our old enemy, chocolate!”

Can I send in my C.V? (Ahehehe)
Greetings fellow Pompadour-spammer, and also fellow paint the roses red member! This really is a cheary work, and brightened up my day. Why can't more writers be this positive. The title draws the reader in, due to the single word CHOCOLATE!
The last line was brilliant, a hopefully expected (hopefully in this instance meaning expected with hope), and rounded of the story well. I think on this note you could have put the author's note a the beginning, make in the last line even laster!
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!

Happy Review Day!

When I read this, I was thinking, "Oooooh noooo! Chocolate is covering the Earth! But how bad could that be....?" I love these sorts of absurd adventure stories, and yours, like a nice, cool glass of chocolate milk or egg cream, hit the spot perfectly!

The notion of chocolate being an international threat had me cracking up, and I like how your main character philosophically analyzes the viscosity and other ramifications of this eeeeevil substance.

On the one hand, you have successfully set the tone of suspense, but this piece is still laden with humorous zingers here and there, which really maintained its comedicicity (I think I just made up a new word - it sounded more intelligent than "comedicness"). And of course, drinking up the liquid chocolate is absolutely the best solution to end this world crisis!

I find it really annoying when people ask me to further expand upon stories I know that I just can't expand upon any more, but I hope that, at some point, you'll find the inspiration to continue this! It certainly has loads of potential, as both a action/mock-dystopia story, and a comedy story, and I can tell you've left certain aspects of the story, like your main character's name, open for later development.

Keep up the amazing work!

Hiya, just here to leave a friendly review.

This is amazing. It is one of the funniest things that i have read today. I am glad that I read this, because it just made my day a lot better. Your imagery is amazing, and it is not over used, or overly descriptive. I loved this part:

She had lost count of how many cities they had ordered evacuation on. The damage to the country was catastrophic. The chocolate left nothing in its path. Even the great Rocky Mountains had been turned to rubble when faced with the corrosiveness and power the chocolate held.

I thought that it was funny as anything I've ever read. Good job, couldn't have done it better.