Intertwined with strands of darkness,
The lone clocktower rings its final toll.
At first strike of hollowed bell,
Darkness falls under its control.
On second ring of wood and brass,
Children of Mother Night go out
To extinguish many a lantern of glass.
When bells resound -three of twelve-
The city holds baited breath,
Shadows lurk on cobbled stone, form upheld
At baton’s fourth hit
All sanity is lost- forfeit.
On percussive note of five
Many a crow and raven die.
On half these terrible tolls,
A candle flickers,
And hope may yet still live within these poor souls.
At seven- perfection, yet incomplete
No lambs are left to atone, everything now alone
Under scornful crimson sky, now replete.
On eighth strike of blood-soaked brass,
All hope is dead, men now drunken, crass.
With ninth ring comes a frenzied wrath,
Men lie facedown, dead from bloodbath.
On note of ten, a scythe for children of men,
A hooded figure in blackened robe
Donned upon the death of hope- again.
When the eleventh note rings,
Mourning is found in the streets,
Broken bodies, fallen limp with cut strings.
And at the final toll of hollowed bell,
These poor souls are finally released from this hell.
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139,831 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
I have taken the many (and by many I mean three) people's suggestion to make the 3-line stanzas rhyme. @RavenAkuma, I really appreciated the feedback on making the 2-line stanzas rhyme, but after careful consideration of what I want out of this piece, I have made the executive decision to keep them as-is. Thank you everyone for your excellent feedback (Especially you, Dragonnight9)!
I am also working on a Ballad/Epic, and the first part of it is done if you want to check it out!
Hello, fellow horror writer!
Firstly, I saw your comment regarding the punctuation and general "refinement" of the poem. And I'm unsure if you've redone this poem since posting, but from what I see, it's an incredibly good piece already! I loved it! Let me try to break it down best I can...
Poetry and horror: a combination that's as beautiful as it is chilling and tragic, but -in my experience- hard to get right. You have made one impressive and very enjoyable example piece, though! Your consistent theme of bell tolls sets an even pace that makes the piece flow so smoothly as you read. There's not much of a sense of "urgency" that many horror stories intend to give the reader, yet there's still that intended eeriness. Likewise, there are beautiful details, but nothing to clutter up the poem and draw away from the imagery. It feels like it's delivering the dread and chills that a horror story should, but in a far more refined, calm, and artsy way. "High-class horror," I guess you could call it, haha.
With the rhyming, I think you did very well, though I could make a little recommendation. So, I can see that your stanza setup, by line count, is 2-2-3-3-2-2-3-3-2-2-3-3-2. There's no rhyming consistency in the 3-line stanzas, which is cool as not all poems have to consistently rhyme. And pretty much every time there is a 2-line stanza, there's a rhyme...kind of?
Though the story still delivers, it was a little jarring to see that some of these 2-line stanzas had clearly intentional and very well-delivered rhymes, and some formed a different or even no pattern. For example, you have this line:
"At the final toll of hollowed bell; we are finally released from this hell."
Very eerie and perfectly timed rhyme. Then you have these lines...
"Intertwined with strands of darkness; the lone clocktower rings its final toll."
No rhyme -or at least, a different rhyme pattern. Likewise, during the next set of 2-line stanzas, the first one rhymes well, but then the second has lines that end with "five" and die." They do sound a little similar, but don't exactly rhyme.
Knowing this, I would really recommend making your rhyme pattern more consistent, hopefully by rhyming every 2-line stanza with each other. I know it's annoying, when you find the perfect words and have to compromise a bit for the sake of rhyming, but it would just set more consistency and make it that much more...well, poetic, haha. If you haven't tried this already, you could get some help from a rhyming dictionary, if you find yourself really struggling to find the perfect rhyme.
Of course, this is just my opinion, and I am not a professional; please take this advice with a grain of salt, and know that I'm not trying to be negative and say it made the poem bad. Your poem was still very good! I just love it, and I hope to read more from you soon!
Have a nice day/night!
Hello Mage! Cupid here, I thought I'd fly over a review for you! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today! But I thought I'd put a twist on it and make a new years themed review, let's get to it shall we?
🔢 Counting Down to New Beginnings: First Impression:
As I started reading this poem, the imagery of darkness and the striking of a clock bell immediately sets a haunting tone. The repetition of the word "bell" in the poem adds a sense of rhythm and urgency, mirroring the impending doom and darkness that engulfs the city. Each strike of the bell signifies a turning, where the fate of the city and its inhabitants hangs in the balance. use of vivid imagery and powerful language creates a chilling atmosphere, drawing the reader deeper into the darkness of the poem.
📝 Setting Resolutions: Room Improvements!
The structure and flow the poem are impressive, as you already stated your poem does need some refinement around punctuation and word choice. other then that you did a nice job with each stanza building upon the previous one to create a of anticipation and dread. The descriptive language and imagery effectively convey the emotions and events taking place in the city. Other then that you did very well!
✨Shining night stars: Highlights of Piece
One of the highlights of this poem is the use of vivid and powerful language to create a chilling atmosphere! The description of the "clocktower its tolling bell" sets the stage for the unfolding darkness and impending doom.
The repetition of the word "bell" throughout the poem adds a sense of urgency, the significance of each strike and its impact on the city and its inhabitants. use of personification, such as "Children of Mother Night" and "shadows lurk on cobbled stone," adds depth and complexity to the poem, giving a sense of foreboding and mystery.
🎆 Fireworks of Emotion: Favorite lines!
These lines evoke a sense of darkness and chaos as the "Children of Mother Night" are unleashed to extinguish the light in the city. of the word "many" implies a widespread destruction, adding to the sense of fear and unease. *Spooky music*
This effectively captures the anticipation and tension in the city as the third toll of the bell approaches. The imagery of "lurking shadows on cobbled stone" adds to the sense foreboding and sets the stage for the subsequent events. (Also I love the imagery in that sentence!)
These closing lines bring a sense of relief and finality to the poem. The use of "released" implies that the darkness and destruction have come to an end offering a glimmer of hope amidst the chaos.
🥂 A Toast to the Future: Closing thoughts
In conclusion, you poem is a hauntingly beautiful piece that effectively conveys a of darkness and impending doom. The vivid imagery, powerful language, and skill of repetition create a chilling atmosphere that draws the reader into the unfolding events in the city.
May the future hold captivating pieces from the writer, weaving tales captivating and leaving readers on the edge of their seats. Well done mage!
Fly high writer, Cupid 💘