-Digital World: In Ancient Times-
To think that everything had gone exactly as planned. Beyond what Lucemon wanted, what she’d dreamed when she had started uniting the people by dividing them. At last, the war had a victor, and she could heal the world that God had created. It had been the perfect plan, flawlessly calculated and executed.
So where was the triumph?
She stood in the sunlight, staring at a courtyard of hateful digimon who had ignored the laws the Great Angels had given them to ensure peace after years of costly war. Why would they defy her, the Angel of Balance, their rightful ruler who brought them unity? Was this how they thanked her?
At first, her subjects’ stubborn prejudices had angered Lucemon, this affront they called democracy. Oh, how entitled they felt now that she had brought them peace. The Angel of Energy spoke out for mercy and acceptance of the people’s flaws. His voice grew weaker as digimon tested Lucemon’s boundaries and patience. Punishing the evil, the unlawful—the digimon themselves decided that. She would deliver their punishment as part of her good will, and she’d executed her God-given power to enforce the law she helped bestow upon the world.
Yet it had been for naught. Despite their political power and positions, her subjects were unable to abandon false ideologies and reconcile with the responsibility granted to them.
With one last look at the sky, Lucemon stepped forward, surveying the crowd of criminals with disgust. She had seen where the will of the masses would lead, where even the downtrodden would stoop for petty revenge. They prioritized damaging their opposition over the health and well-being of the world. For countless years, she had watched them destroy each other. But when the Humanoid faction decreed that a murderer and threat to the world should not be executed, and instead imprisoned until their life terminated, she realized freedom of choice wasn’t becoming of a species so divided and resentful. She realized the flaw in her grand plan for the world. It wasn’t an error on her part. God’s world... God’s creatures... they were inherently flawed. Their violent nature couldn’t change, so their will was meaningless.
Lucemon had let the Angel of Energy imprison their precious murderer. Let the Beast faction have its raging protests. Let them fight in the streets. Then she, the executive arm of the law, stepped forward and wrested control from all others, making the government hers. Never again would a decision of the few hurt the many. Never again would incompetence and pettiness rule the world.
Today, she handed down her divine judgment to educate the wilfully ignorant, the purposefully evil; the criminals who dared to question her and did not bow. She was the law, and everyone would submit to her.
~
Lucemon entered the palace that had belonged to the Great Angels for as long as they’d ruled this world and made her way to the study. She sat in her chair at the window and stared out towards the wide, green forest past the city’s edge, her mind going hundreds of years ahead. Something big would happen very soon. That thought was a blight on all the futures she could perceive.
She wasn’t surprised when her voice of reason walked through the doorway. Irreparable differences in opinion had deteriorated their relationship over the years. Nevertheless, he never missed a visit, even while she prepared the next move in a plan that was doomed to fail from the start. Turning in her chair, she looked upon the Angel of Energy, one perfectly aligned eyebrow arching in question.
He stayed in the shadows next to the doorway, his ever-changing eyes full of sorrow and disappointment.
“Lucemon,” he said, realizing she would not break the silence, “it can’t go on like this.”
“I am well aware of that,” Lucemon replied coolly.
There was a pause. “You must have some idea on how to fix the situation other than trying to beat sense into them.”
Lucemon decided not to mention the stress-relieving quality of electrocuting idiots. “Of course I have.”
Idly, she rested her chin in her hand. When had she veered off her idealistic course and became so disillusioned by the world given to the two of them?
“You will never change the world like that,” he said. “If you continue that path, you will be punished! Already, forces—”
“Punished? Like you?” she interrupted, her blue eyes piercing the darkness to view the fallen angel—once an equal, now a shadow of his former self. “You had your chance!”
He took a moment to regain his composure before glaring.
“Yes! You’re right. I didn’t listen to you when I was travelling down the wrong path and I paid the price, but now you’re making the same mistake. I beg you, as a friend—you still have time to stop this!”
“I listened to you. Your democracy has only brought further ruin. This is the only way.” Lucemon countered. They could both predict the future, but only to a certain extent. Whatever he was seeing didn’t line up with reality. “It is foolish to believe the divided digimon will ever live in peace. We need to stand on top of them!”
“Lucemon,” he whispered. “Everyone can be replaced. God will act.”
She scoffed. “God? God and his knights no longer care about the World of Souls. They are too absorbed in battling that which is dark and alien. This is our world now.”
The Angel of Energy sighed, regarding Lucemon with pity. “The danger may be closer than you can fathom.”
A spark of familiar anger made her itch to put him in his place. He’d failed the world already; he had no right to put himself above her. Yet, she couldn’t physically hurt him.
Lucemon took a calming breath. “You have a lot of nerve proclaiming my methods unsuitable when I stand unblemished, and you have lost your power and ability to lead.” Her face was expressionless, never betraying her thoughts. “No one will follow you anymore,” she added, cruelty tinting her voice.
For a moment, they stared at each other, an angel fallen out of favour and another soon to follow.
Then, fluttering wings hailed the arrival of a messenger.
Lucemon turned to face the balcony where a regal-looking humanoid digimon landed. In a smooth move, their visitor’s emerald wings shimmered and melted, flowing around her shoulders to hide her stark white armour and sheathed rapier under a viridescent robe.
For the Warrior of Wind to appear unannounced spoke of trouble.
“ElementalIrismon, report,” demanded Lucemon, having lost interest in the argument.
The masked figure pointedly stared past her into the room instead, making eye contact with the Angel of Energy. ElementalIrismon bowed to him and spoke quickly:
“Master, I come with alarming news. There have been—”
Lucemon stretched out a hand, applying immense pressure—what insolence, even in their vassals!—and ElementalIrismon could not continue; a scream tore from her throat. She crumbled to the floor.
She fought to lift her head and glared until the pain overwhelmed her and she fell back, writhing in agony. Only then did Lucemon let her go, cold rage satisfied.
Instead of taking his warrior’s side, the Angel of Energy watched her prone figure with disappointment and said, “You will show respect to your great leader.”
ElementalIrismon stayed low and turned towards Lucemon, head downcast. “Great leader, may I give my report?” she asked hoarsely.
“You may,” Lucemon snapped.
The weakened digimon swallowed, picking her words carefully. “The Merchants of Misery have made their move. Their champion is rising in the East, said to be equal to us Elemental Warriors.”
Lucemon calmed her anger to make room for rational thought. A force equal to the Elemental Warriors? ElementalIrismon was right in coming to her directly. Her most trusted vassals would deal with this situation.
She addressed the crouching digimon: “Go and alert your leaders. ElementalGreymon and ElementalGarurumon shall make sure we’ll hear no more of this Champion of Misery.”
“Yes, Great Leader,” replied ElementalIrismon tonelessly, head still lowered. Then she stood and faced the balcony. She didn’t turn for a last look before flying off.
~
That very day, ElementalIrismon led the Warriors into battle against Lucemon to stop her reign of terror. They paid with their lives, but their story was passed on and history remembered them as legends.
Many, many years later, the seeds sown in those ancients times would come to fruition. In a vastly different world, where an unsuspecting human girl lived in a standard, single-family house.
-Human World: 27th March 2002-
I never thought I would ever recommend watching dried cheese melt on stale baguettes. Yet here I was. The hum of the microwave filled the kitchen with a constant background drone. Maybe if it were a little louder, I could drown in the noise? Wishful thinking.
I shifted the phone in my hand and pretended that everything was fine. Good thing that didn’t require a lot of effort. It wasn’t like Mom was interested in a conversation.
Her voice crackled. The international call swallowed half of her angry Italian. I didn’t feel like I was missing out on much. It was her usual rant about me having no friends in Japan and that Italy’s education system was so much better. As if! My eyes were on the microwave timer. Not much longer.
It wasn’t like Mom needed to convince me. Moving to Japan had been a horrible decision. I’d left all my friends and cousins behind! Now, my classmates were so… boring. Boring and judgemental. A devastating combination.
As Mom continued through her patented five stages of regret, I found myself withdrawing further. So what if she was annoyed with Japan’s work culture? So what if she hated how the other kids treated me? That she thought Italy was better in every way? Nothing ever changed!
She would blow up at Dad, pack her things and fly straight to Italy. Then, she’d realize how much she missed us and come back a few days later. It was the same pattern, every single time!
“Non ti preoccupare, tesoro, ritorno tra un paio di giorni."
Thanks Mom, I thought bitterly as she reassured me that she would be home soon. Outwardly, I had only apathy for her. The sting of her absence and the worry that my parents would break up had dulled with every time she left and came back. It didn’t help that she was earnestly invested in my life. She just didn’t seem to grasp that I would rather have her with me.
The ‘ding!’ of the microwave interrupted the excited sharing of her flight details.
“Sorry Mom,” I said, purposefully in Japanese. That at least made her pause. “Dinner’s ready.”
Food was sacred. She released me from the call with minimal fuss. Instead of going for the baguettes, I stared at my mobile phone with a heavy heart. Should I have tried harder? It was just all so exhausting.
There was no way I could have missed the screen lighting up with a message.
“Would you like to begin?” I read the text out loud, frowning at the kanji.
Begin what?
Sometimes, I truly believe the stars align. On any other day, I would have ignored the message and never thought about it again. Never knowing what I’d have missed. But today, everything just fell in place.
I didn’t even have to think to press the “yes” button.
“Izumi Orimoto, the game to decide your destiny has begun,” said a mysterious voice through the phone.
End of chapter
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140,939 Literary Works • 673,761 Reviews
So. The story of my heart. Here's some questions for the Prologue =D
1) What was your initial reaction to the prologue?
Spoiler
2) What were your favourite parts?
3) What were your least favourite parts?
4) What is your opinion on Lucemon, the Angel of Balance?
5) What is your opinion on the Angel of Energy?
6) What is your opinion on ElementalIrismon?
7) How do you like Izumi’s narration? Do you already have an opinion of her?
8 ) Was anything confusing, unconvincing or unclear?
9) On a scale from 1 to 10, how much did you enjoy the prologue?
10) On a scale from 1 to 10, how eager are you to read the first chapter?
Bonus: Do you think a translation for the Italian is necessary?
For the scale questions, my general rule of thumb is:
Spoiler
above 7.5 you liked the story
above 5.5 the story left a positive impression
below 4.5 the story left a negative impression
below 2.5 you did not like that story xd
AHEM uh... hello scary lesbian who also likes digimon
hmmm sounds like a superiority complex to me... also sounds like my dad. sigh.
mmm... i feel like this is a very long sentence... idk SOMETHING feels off sorry
HERE TOO idk maybe pacing
very true
whyyyyy is it purble like i was casually reading and then BLAM PURBLE
no it wasn't. japan is amazing. everyone should move there.
ayyy i do that all the time! The mc is relatable.
Anyway i will answer your questions now because me reviewing skills are not great.
1) What was your initial reaction to the prologue?
very long i usually review poems SEE THIS SHOWS THAT I CARE ABOUT YOU i used BRAINPOWER to read a WHOLE CHAPTER.
2) What were your favourite parts?
I liked the parts where it integrated humor into the story.
3) What were your least favourite parts?
uh... i'm not really sure to be honest
4) What is your opinion on Lucemon, the Angel of Balance?
She's yucky. She reminds me of my dad so maybe that's part of it, but i don't think i like her very much.
5) What is your opinion on the Angel of Energy?
On the other hand, i think i like him. i'm a satanist, and he kinda reminds me of Lucifer which is cool and stuff.
6) What is your opinion on ElementalIrismon?
umm...
7) How do you like Izumi’s narration? Do you already have an opinion of her?
she seems like the typical MC
8 ) Was anything confusing, unconvincing or unclear?
PACING
9) On a scale from 1 to 10, how much did you enjoy the prologue?
9.1/10
10) On a scale from 1 to 10, how eager are you to read the first chapter?
i broke the scale meter i turned it too high
Bonus: Do you think a translation for the Italian is necessary?
YES YES I DO
anyway i read it!
love,
kiki <3
Hello….victim 😊
Just gotta say while it was midnight and I was sad was not the best time to answer your review, that’s why you had to wait until now. And no other nefarious reasons hehe
I might have mentioned it already, but this is the most important story to me, the one that I really wanna finish and that I really want to get right ^^ So any criticism is much appreciated! (you haven’t yet seen my fight scenes hehe)
(I guess each chapter is this long because it generally should cover the events of an episode…)
(But this is the prolog so what am I even talking abt now lol)
Well… I hope your dad does not sound like Lucemon all the time. That would be ungood.
“dk SOMETHING feels off sorry”
Nothing to be sorry for!
That’s the kinda feedback I can work with ^^
“whyyyyy is it purble like i was casually reading and then BLAM PURBLE”
Because that’s Izumi’s colour XD
“no it wasn't. japan is amazing. everyone should move there.”
Agreed!
“SEE THIS SHOWS THAT I CARE ABOUT YOU i used BRAINPOWER to read a WHOLE CHAPTER.“
Very good. The wife and I have decided to spare you for another day 😊
I do have to agree with you though. Reading something this long when you have to ~review~ it at the end, really becomes a chore. I guess this is why I put the questions at the end bc they mean someone can just… read this and tell me what stuck out to them without scrolling through the entire chapter again.
(I am hopeless with poems, so probs to you for managing nice reviews for them :3)
“I liked the parts where it integrated humor into the story.”
Ah well… I always felt like I’m much funnier in German =D So thank you!
“she seems like the typical MC”
Oh that is wonderful! This is what I was going for!
THANK YOU FOR READING IT!!
VICTIM
:>
i scared
Oh dear. This fanfiction is my first introduction into Digimon, and it is spectacular! Lucemon is a very interesting character—at first she is driven by the righteousness of God, the next she decides that the free will God has given his children is wrong and that in order to have a truly good society, she must beat them into order. Once again, I know next to nothing about Digimon, so I don’t know if the religion aspect is in the original media…but it works really well if not! I’m a sucker for angels and Abrahamic religions, especially when these things are corrupt.
Izumi is a very interesting character, I can’t wait to read more about her!
EDITING THIS TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS:
1. I thought it introduced very interesting concepts and characters! Also I was a little surprised by the addition of a religious aspect, but I think it works!
2. I really liked Lucemon’s parts. I can’t wait to know more about her!
3. Probably Izumi’s. Not because I dislike her, but it was a bit of a jarring transition. For me, at least!
4. I think she sets up a great character, and if she is an antagonist in the future, I think that would be awesome! I love antags that are tied to religion…
5. I’d have to see more of him. So far, I like him.
6. Just the same as the Angel of Energy—I’d have to see more of her!
7. I think she sets up an interesting story. I’m really interested to see how her entering into the Digimon world plays out!
8. Not for me, no! The transition from Lucemon to Izumi caught me off guard, but other than that it was fine!
9. 9/10! I thought it was really good and sets up the story well!
10. 10/10! It’s caught my intrigue for sure!
Good afternoon!
Oh we will get to more of her! In like 200k wordsIt took me a while but I finally freed myself from the other responsibility to give your review proper time XD
First of all: AWwww thanks for going out of your way to edit in the answers to my questions <3
And now, well, if this is your first introduction to Digimon, I hope I can make it worth your while ^^
This section here, in this prologue, is actually my own stuff. The… canon stuff will happen in the following chapters XD
But that is exactly why I am asking these questions! Thank you <3
Thank you so much for your thoughts and I hope you have a great day!!
Omg, so hello, I am finally getting here... I am gonna admit I don't know what Digimon is. Well, I know it's a franchise and a TV show, but beyond that, this is my first impression.
I LOVED THIS. You are a brilliant writer (not that I ever doubted that), but this truly blew me away. It's really hooked me in, and the story being set up between the Digimon world and Izumi is compelling, and i want to know more. The prose is very sharp, and you do not waste more words than you have to!
Anyway, first to my suggestions & observations!
I really like this idea as an opening, but for some reason it doesn't quite flow for me. I don't think the first two sentences link together as smoothly as they could. "To think that..." sets up irony/contrast, which is nice, but your second sentence is an escalation rather than a continuation, and it's leaning on a missing verb. I think joining them together in a way could fix that. (I would try this yourself but I was thinking in the way of: To think that everything had not only gone exactly as planned, but beyond -- beyond what Lucemon had dreamed of when she had started uniting the people by dividing them.)
I like this, it breaks up the first few plot beats introduced very nicely, and characterises Lucemon without a huge amount of effort. We immediately know that she is not happy that her plan went exactly as she wanted, which is very intriguing.
I think it would be nice to break this into three questions: Why would they defy her, the Angel of Balance? Why would they defy their rightful ruler who brought them unity? Was this how they thanked her?
i think an em dash works here: At first, her subjects' stubborn prejudices had angered Lucemon — this affront they called democracy.
I think some commas would help the flow:
Lucemon entered the palace, which had belonged to the Great Angels for as long as they’d ruled this world, and made her way to the study.
Maybe her mind was 'racing' years ahead gives a better vibe
The dialogue is super super good. It feels so realistic, even though this isn't the human world.
okay wow we're setting this 6 months before i was even born XD
It does feel like quite a jump, from the narrative set up about Lucemon. Like it would be better as a secondary prologue or like an interlude between the prologue and chapter 1? Though i don't know how future chapters are laid out yet.
But i do really like this section. It's very well written. No suggestions there!
To answer your questions:
1. My initial reaction was OOOOH I LIKE THIS. Because I wasn't quite sure how you were going to introduce humans to the digimon world, and though you haven't quite yet, it's been set up, and i didn't realise that a digimon would be the villain, and that's cool.
2. I liked the dialogue between Lucemon and the Angel of Energy, and also the first paragraph of the human diary.
3. I did not have a least favourite part!
4. Lucemon seems badass. But scary. I'm not 100% sure what I think about her. I need to read more to know her full motives. But I like her characterisation.
5. He seems to be the moral counterpart, but he tried democracy too early for it to work and is now warning Lucemon that she's repeating his mistake in reverse. It's such an interesting dynamic.
6. She has a complete arc in just a few sentences. She comes in, is punished for speaking out of turn, and then we learn that she led the rebellion that got her and the other Warriors killed, which is presumably why she;s here. It was a very satisfying setup and payoff.
7. I like Izumi, and I feel bad for her being in a country she doesn't like and her mom refuses to admit she's right. Her narration is fresh however we don't really know much about her beyond these few internal things, like what she looks like, what her likes and dislikes are, or what her personality is like, but obviously it's a prologue, and we will learn more later
8. No!
9. Definitely an 8. It's a solid opening, but I think the Lucemon section could do with some more descriptive elements so i know what she/everyone/the world looks like when we are first introduced! The description of ElementalIrismon is so good, and you don't need much, but maybe just of the palace?
10. 10
Bonus: no, unless it's going to be recurring A LOT, I don't think it's necessary. I don't mind googling a translation or guessing once in a while.
im so excited to read more!!
Hey there Tikaya! I am here for Review Days now that I have some time and energy. Just a reminder that my reviews will probably be incredibly slow haha but let's get into it.
I like this beginning. From the very get go you get a feel that something's wrong even though it's saying everything went right.
Okay, first mention of Digimon. I don't remember Digimon much at all. Do they know they're digimon? Is there an in world explanation of what digimon are? And when will we get an explanation of what digimon are in this story? Right now it's not a big deal, I don't need to know what digimon are just yet. If it gets to a point where I do feel lost without it explained, I'll point it out.
This sentence took me a bit to understand what you were saying. I get it, but it is a bit chunky to read.
Okay Lucemon, you're losing me on your thought process here lol. What I'm following along here is that, because the humans decided that a murderer would be prisoned for life instead of executed, Lucemon believes that... they're too violent? Well... after sitting with this for a bit I the best I can come up with is that Lucemon may believe that, because the humans did not swiftly remove the threat to the world, they were being complicit and thus in some way they were okay with the violence to an extent. But, like, if this is the case, this is such a stretch to me. Traditionally, I like my villains who have a motive that I actually can relate to/understand/sympathize with, but they may go too far, or their motives corrupt, or something breaks along the way. I also like villains who are just the way they are because that's the way they are -- like they don't need a relatable motive, they're just in it for the love of the game or something. But, if a villain is trying to give their motive I'm assuming they're the former, which means I am also assuming their stance is supposed to be at least a little bit relatable/understandable/sympathizable -- which is not what I'm getting here with Lucamon. I was attempting to follow along but this was the point where it lost me. Now, there may be something that you're doing, at which case I'll say here that I can get behind it: you may be explaining this to the reader knowing it's not relatable(etc) because it shows just how not human Lucemon is. To distance her from humans and thus humanity. Kinda like a fish out of water situation that I've seen in other mediums where angels or angelic-like beings are introduced. They're different, and it's one way to show how different it is.
Is this in her perspective? If so, is this a crack in her indominable will? I am curious as to how recent this change in leadership and her cracking down. This would put into perspective this entire exchange. I'm also curious as to whether Lucemon's actions are because she has seen something dark in the near future and believes a change of course is needed, or if the change of course has lead to her seeing something dark.
What? Is this the same ElementalIrismon that gave the note to Lucemon?? So she gave the note to Lucemon that she was going to attack Lucemon? This has to be a mistake, no?
This confused me for a second because I thought you were saying she kept going to Japan and Italy. I realized that was probably not the case so, where is she coming "home" to? I think it'd be beneficial to put that here. Or, was it Japan?
So this is really a Prologue and then Chapter 1.05, yes? Because Izumi's part flows right into Chapter 1 (I took a peek). I don't mind a bit of Chapter 1 bleeding into this piece because this is the stronger part. Izumi's personality immediately bleeds through the words, which is nice to read. I'm excited to read more and see where this goes.
I wish there was more in this part that showed me more why Izumi said yes here. Like, is this just a very bad day for Izumi where everything went wrong, or maybe we could see more of her everyday bad day, like it's not that everything went wrong, it's just the new normal for her. But we really only have a scene with her mom. I just wanted more to establish that her life sucks right now before we get into that inciting incident.
Overall I enjoyed this, cannot wait to read more. I do wish the prologue section was a bit longer because at its length right now, it feels like a scene cut short and too exposition-filled at its length. I feel more of a scene here would allow the exposition to be filled out with non-exposition and add a bit more to the interaction between the two Angels. Dialogue is a great way to break up exposition (as long as the dialogue is not /also/ exposition lol) I also feel the transition paragraph--
-- is weak. There's so much that could be done here to make it impactful and really put it on par to the rest of the writing that makes it miss the mark so much more for me. The italian didn't need to be translated, I got the snark just fine XD
Hope this helped! And you now have a reference to my reviewing style.
Hi Tikaya! I've finally made my way over here after reading your post early on in LMS!
Lucemon and the Angel of Energy seem like interesting antagonists. I like the idea that even though the Angel seems reasonable at first, he is also nasty to ElementalIrismon. It feels like it draws a line between them and the rest of the ordinary (?) digimon, which could speak to themes of elitism.
I thought I'd leave a literary comment on this chapter
So far I like Izumi the most. This first scene is very efficient in conveying the problems and conflicts in her life, struggling with the split between two cultures (and between the two parents).
I just realise you had some questions down below! Let me answer some of them . . .
1) What was your initial reaction to the prologue?
The scene between Lucemon and the Angel felt a bit exposition-heavy, but I think that tends to happen in prologues to stories with a lot of worldbuilding. I was a lot more excited about the introduction of Izumi, the character in the human world, because the scene felt a lot more emotionally intimate and 'close to home' as it were. (I think that kind of covers 2) and 3) )
4) What is your opinion on Lucemon, the Angel of Balance?
I think her perspective is very much influenced by her having the power to do all these dictatorial things. It feels like she just doesn't see what is so bad about living under this forced rule because such rule has never been forced on her? Or she's just not making the connection there.
5) What is your opinion on the Angel of Energy?
He's quite a mysterious character. Lucemon talks about a time when he was tyrannically ruling the world, so there must be more to him than meets the eye.
6) What is your opinion on ElementalIrismon?
She doesn't feature very heavily in this part, but from what I gather she seems not to like or respect Lucemon much (turning her back to her when she reports), and she is on the side of a rebellion against them.
7) How do you like Izumi’s narration? Do you already have an opinion of her?
I like Izumi's narration. It feels believable as a child's perspective, and I like how culture/bilingualism influences how she acts (like knowing her mum would let her go if it was for food, or her using Japanese to communicate displeasure). I'm not sure I have an opinion of her as a person yet, since she hasn't made any major decisions, but I'm curious to know more.
8 ) Was anything confusing, unconvincing or unclear?
9) On a scale from 1 to 10, how much did you enjoy the prologue?
7.5
10) On a scale from 1 to 10, how eager are you to read the first chapter?
7.5
Bonus: Do you think a translation for the Italian is necessary?
I didn't think so - I felt like I understood the emotional weight of that part even without being able to understand the words.
Happy Review Day, and happy new Tika story for me!! As you suggested, I'm gonna keep this review brief so I can jump into the Green Room chapters and focus on those >:) Let's see how many I can get through tonight!
It's subtle, but I'm already getting the vibe that Lucemon is a Bad Person. Er, bad... being?? It says she divided people, and then there's the cold words "calculated" that's usually reserved for villains.
LOL yep, definitely Bad
I've reached the tilde and am stopping by for a quick check-in! So, lots of lore was just dropped, specifically from the unique perspective of the all-powerful villain Lucemon. It was a lot to take in right off the bat! Here's my understanding of everything... after she won the war, she and the (other?) Great Angels enforced a bunch of laws that would keep the peace in humanoid communities but would also, I'm guessing, strip them of freedom. So they rebelled and created a democracy. After that, my understanding falters a bit. The humanoids wanted criminal to be imprisoned and not executed, I think? And there's a humanoid faction called the Beasts? Not sure!
Yay, I'm glad we're beyond the infodump and have a conversation between two characters now! A lot easier for me to follow.
Lol!
Book name drop!! This is so interesting!
How pretty!!
Surprises me that he sided with Lucemon!
Another alliance surprise with Irismon!
History is told by the victors. Does this mean that the Warrirors won and Lucemon was defeated?
Into the purple (magenta?) now! Woah - Japan, Italy? Did not know the digimon human world is a version of our earth!
Ok that scene was definitely my favorite part of the prologue! The one thing I would work on is describing the appearance of the message a bit better since it's obviously very significant. I'd say that the message appeared with "yes" and "no" buttons below it, and clarify whether it was a text message, an email-esque message, or a pop-up like an ad.
For a stronger finish to the prologue, I'd consider something like this instead:
"Izumi Orimoto...!"
I was so startled by the sudden voice that blared from the phone that I almost dropped it.
"...the game to decide your destiny has begun."
^Far from perfect but the main improvement here is that the prologue cliffhanger ends with the actual dialogue rather than fizzling out with an uninteresting dialogue tag.
Onto the next chapter!!
Wolfi
Wait's over Tikaa, this is Alex coming in with a review. Giving back to the review queen is going to feel pretty rewarding, I bet. Also sorry for putting it off for so long, but that ends today. Let's get right to it!
I believe I'll have to change my entire reviewing style for this lol. The questions you've framed are pretty spot on, covering all the aspects of the story. I believe they'll have to be enough and I'll add something at the end if I feel the need for it. But I love a self aware writer who knows exactly what they want to know from their audience, makes my work a whole lot easier in all honesty.
1) What was your initial reaction to the prologue?
It's good narration that pulls you right in. Generic, but nothing wrong with that. But I definitely has some initial struggles catching on to the plot. As it so happens, none of those introductory digimon videos used the name 'Lucemon' XD. So I was pretty much set up for confusion. I think it's natural though, for things to not make sense from the get go in a particular fanfiction such as this. Even with chronic fans, I think it must take a second which character and scene you're opening with. One thing I did catch on though was the suspicious tone. I could tell Lucemon was in power here but her ideologies looked a little foggy to make out. They did sound antagonistic but it was too early to judge until I read her opposing views on democracy. I went back and did some more basic research to confirm this interpretation. The overall pilot scene was great- the tone of the protagonist is thick with assertion and everything else looks buried under her rule. I do think the fact that she's a villian could've been better highlighted to help out fresh readers like me but I'm conflicted to complain on 'show, don't tell'. I'll say this though- it didn't pull off any planned miracle of a perfect familiarisation of the fandom to outsiders from the beginning. But I'm sure that's too rare and incredibly difficult to pull off anyways, so you're fine really. I can easily say it wasn't the best part of the prologue, I'm sure you'll get better with practice or it was just the complexity of the digimon world to blame. Either way, that's all I had.
What were your favourite parts?
The argument between both the angels and the scene with the wind warrior. I'll start with the former. I'm especially biased towards good depictions of difficult conversations and arguments in such delicate positions, but with fair reason. Lucemon's annoyance, Energy Angel's desperate warnings and the difference of power between the two was so evident- impeccable dialogue writing for sure! Watching the Angel of Energy trying to prevent Lucemon from ending up like him was so attention grabbing as a reader, looked like he was trying to save his past self instead. The helplessness of watching Lucemon take the same road to downfall he did a while back, oh the plight. There's a hindi proverb for it- "Vinash kaale viprit budhi" translating to 'In the hour of ruin, one's own mind works against them', basically digging your own grave. I wanted to interfere myself so much but the agitation of having to witness it silently made me relate to the Angel of Energy on ground level- which I'm sure was expert writing on your part. Getting to the arrival of the Wind Warrior now. I love how him bowing first and only to the Angel of Energy broke Lucemon's boastful claims that he is no longer respected after his great fall. It goes great length to show how deeply engraved his kind reputation is, as opposed to Lucemon's enforced fear. Following it, the scene where you showed Lucemon almost strangle the Wind Warrior to death as a punishment was so epic. Precise actions, the deep twisted despite to harm and gruesome carrying out till life almost left their eyes- ahhh shiver down my spine. The impact was greatly enhanced by the silence and submission by the Angel of Energy, compared to the expectations of interference to save his advocate. It sent out such a deep message and horrifying reminder to who really yields the power and must not be tested against it.
3) What were your least favourite parts?
I've talked about the ambiguous beginning, but that wasn't half bad truly. I think this part was criminally underworked-
The narration is crisp and I get that you didn't want it to drag on, but such a vital piece of the plot really deserved some action, you know? Just add a little scene where the Wind Warrior announces war amongst his other comrades after mentioning his meeting with Lucemon and how they've endured enough. Give a glimpse into the battle too, it would really set a good scene. Also what ended up being the stand of the Angel of Energy- was he killed too or did he end up reigning, if God didn't interfere, that is based on Lucemon's previous argument of how they're too busy with the new realities now. Also the Merchants of Misery plot is just left hanging like that? I think you wanted to introduce it for being picked up further in the story but I'm sure there's a better way to do it than name dumping such as this.. It's just a lot of closure missing but nothing that can't be worked upon. And one possible plot hole- if the Angel of Energy has actually fallen out of favor, what keeps him to the good side and an influence and voice in the world's decision, even when Lucemon doesn't agree to his proposals. For a character who is currently as weak as him, he's really sitting at the pivot of the storyline with surprising control on fairly important decisions. Is there a particular reason as to why Lucemon hasn't yet kicked him out, even when he doesn't agree with her and continues to lecture against her wishes.
4) What is your opinion on Lucemon, the Angel of Balance?
Not the most appealing, but she's definitely well written. I think you've used the fact of different digimon in the same species to make Lucemon a female character, rather than what I think conventionally was a male role. Well no harm done but I'm curious as to why if it really served no difference. Moving on, the character justification is spot on with her intrinsic evil nature. She's drunk on power and it shows clearly. I can sense the arrogance dripping in each of her dialogue. I only wish she had some room for a redemption arc maybe? I'm aware it's not how the actual storyline goes and it'd be easier to have her as a simple villain, I just believe in making things interesting. How about she's seen the effects of democracy and genuinely believes that it's a roadblock in the progress of humans? Conflicted or ill-informed intentions would make her empathize with, while still being against her extremist plans. Just saying!
5) What is your opinion on the Angel of Energy?
Well crafted character, with his complexities and compassion. I find his position quite intricate and unique. On one hand, he supports the human establishment and on the other, he succumbs to Lucemon's tyranny out of constraints of favor and authority. He's wise to work for what he thinks right without overstepping with the leader of the bunch. It's actually suspicious how close and fearless he remains with her despite openly being of the opposing views. Like there's a certain upper hand that prevents him from from her wrath- something that should've been a problem if he were a man with nothing up his sleeve. Lots of potential to explore there, he totally got my attention! I'm curious as to whether this is an original character actually, as I could find anything about him online. One nitpick though- I think his supposed fall needed more context. What did he do, what was he before and what has he become now? A lot of w's to be answered.
6) What is your opinion on ElementalIrismon?
I'm a bit torn on him. He feels a little bland for someone who began with suggesting the first spark of silent rebellion in front of Lucemon in general. But I found it a bit foolish- why not greet the supreme leader, as if that achieves anything other than making a childish point? He must've known the danger he was putting himself into for a man of his rank, no? It just looks a little silly and pointless to me. After the strangling incident though, he appears too unaffected. But it can be because he got warned and learned his lesson to act courteous. But going back to launch a rash attack on Lucemon the same day? :sigh: I think he really had to wait for the right time. Who knows, maybe planning out some decent strategy beforehand may have spared his life..
7) How do you like Izumi’s narration? Do you already have an opinion of her?
It's good so far! She's got mommy issues for sure (don't we our love protagonists tortured through life though hehe). Combined with father's ignorance, I feel quite sad for her. So far, looks like she's got no support system. She's got trauma but it isn't the silent or dejected kind I'd expect. She's got a childish zeal, which is quite a fresh combination. But I'm sure this quality will come in handy for the protagonist of a future adventure plot. I like her layers. Her narration particularly has a bit of hysterical annoyance to it which would be a problem in more serious literature but your genre does pretty much give that a pass, plus she's a kid afterall so I guess it'll hold. I'm just not used to this choice of personality for a adventure journey but that's a limitation of my perspective more than of your writing choices. In fact, I think this might give her an entertaining edge over her counterparts further down the storyline. That's actually a decent exciting prospect!
8 ) Was anything confusing, unconvincing or unclear?
I think the situation of the parents could be explained better why the father is reluctant to move to Italy if it means such a big deal to Izumi's mother. Rest everything I've pointed out already but I'll list again here for your convenience. Is there any ulterior reason why Lucemon tolerates the Angel of Energy despite him never agreeing and her being so blinded by power. The origins of the Angel of Energy and what did he do leading to his fall and what that exactly entails in terms of his position now. Why did the Wind Warrior act so rash, despite the wisdom his rank suggests? What happened to the Angel of Energy in the aftermath of Lucemon being overthrow?
9) On a scale from 1 to 10, how much did you enjoy the prologue?
I'll give it a solid 8! I did have trouble comprehending some of the franchise references but that also means the ideas were fairly new to me and looked more appealing. Some details could use a little editing but overall, it's a pretty captivating read.
10) On a scale from 1 to 10, how eager are you to read the first chapter?
That'll have to be a 7. Things have been simple so far but it's bound to get more tangible with new characters and the unrolling of the main plot, which I frankly don't know if I'll be able to keep up with. But there's a limit a limit to how palpable you can make it to the taste of the readers unfamiliar to the original story, without boring the audience here for a spice in the old. I'll still read and review them I'm just a teeny afraid I might get overwhelmed soon..
Bonus: Do you think a translation for the Italian is necessary?
I'd second both Sana and Corvid here. Like Sana said, you've hinted at the meaning enough already in the line right after. Though in my own experience, I didn't get the intended meaning too late and had googled it anyways so I think an enspoilered translation under the text would be most beneficial for the clueless bunch like me. If not, Corvid's suggestion of putting it as a comment works great too. Don't worry too much about it atleast, the meaning was fairly easy to find.
Phew that was a lot! I think it covered everything I had to say though. Had a great time reading and reviewing. Happy writing, it's been a pleasure. Hope this was helpful. Good day!
Love,
Alex
(man that's a detailed review Alex!)
shhhh just see my magic today.. the lemonade is almost ready, just needs a little stir!
Alright, it's finally time to dig into one of Tikaya's frighteningly long fanfictions. (Novels that are posted as a million short chapters at a rate of ten chapters a day don't count as long because each chapter is cute and short, you see?)
Given that this is fairly free of grammatical errors, I'll do a brief review of my usual sort and then move onto your questions, but hopefully I'll have inadvertently answered one at least already in my review. Let's go!
Wow, I hate Lucemon. I was taken aback when she choked the messenger. I guess the setting tricked me into feeling like it would be a more pleasant story.
Yet, you do a good job of making the Angel of Energy feel equally menacing, preventing the reader from easily choosing a side this early on.
And then we're off! You did a good job of efficiently depicting why ElementalIrismon would betray Lucemon, although it does feel like we rush over everything that happens afterwards a bit quickly. Hopefully there are flashbacks to this time period again!
I like how you portray the tension between mother and daughter relating to the international relationship between mom and dad.
I'd like some better depiction of what this message is, though. Is it a text message that she receives? Who is it from, if so? We rush through all of this a little too.
"There was no way I could have missed the screen lighting up with a message." feels a little awkward, also. It feels like a very self-important way to describe something that is not that important, that this character happened to be looking at her phone when the message came through.
Now let's move onto the questions!
1) I think I pretty much covered that!
2) I guess my favorite would be the choking, since it caught me off guard.
3) Probably how you rush through things at times, though some of that is no doubt down to not wanting to give too much away in the prologue.
4) Hate 'er. Very hatable character.
5) Not sure yet!
6) Poor thing, I understand why it had to betray Lucemon. I wonder how long it was suffering under her employ!
7) I think Izumi's narration portrays her character well, though at times there are overly dramatic flairs like the "There was no way" part. The vocabulary feels equally wordy in both the Digital World and the Human World, which might be something to alter for effect. It would make sense if Izumi didn't know as many big words.
8 ) Well, the Italian could've used more of an overview of the meaning, and I've already talked about the screen lighting up with a message enough.
9) Perhaps a 7.5?
10) Probably a 7? I don't like rating things on a scale of 1 to 10 though.
Bonus: Maybe yeah, unless you find a way to depict more of the meaning in the narrative as I mentioned before.
You were visited by the witch Aet Lindling!
Heyy! I’ve finally gotten a chance to return the favor a little bit, because you’ve written so many thoughtful reviews for me in the past and your feedback has been incredibly helpful. I’ve always appreciated how much time and care you put into reading my work, and I really wanted to give something back! Hope this review helps <3<3
It felt a bit too sudden to me. I had to do a double take while reading because, just moments before, ElementalIrismon seemed to be on the side of Lucemon and angel of energy. The sudden shift from loyal messenger to leading a rebellion was a little confusing and felt a bit rushed. And I think this moment is really important so maybe you could add a bit more explanation. Maybe you could write why she led the rebellion?1) What was your initial reaction to the prologue?
My first impression was that the prologue felt very cinematic. And by that I mean I could immediately start visualizing the world as I was reading. The scenes felt vivid and almost like they were unfolding in front of me. You’ve done a great job with worldbuilding, especially in establishing a history right from the start!
2) What were your favourite parts?
I really liked Lucemon’s internal reasoning and how convinced she is that she’s right. It makes her feel complex rather than just a typical villain (At least I think she is a villain). And if she is a villain then is it weird that I’m kind of rooting for her...? There’s something about her logic and determination that makes me understand where she’s coming from.
I also really liked the dynamic between Lucemon and the angel of energy. It seems like there is a lot of history and tension between them, which I would love to read more about. I’m especially curious about what “wrong path” the Angel of Energy went down and what exactly happened between them in the past, because it seems like that plays a big role in how they view each other now.
3) What were your least favourite parts?
I'd say this part:
4) What is your opinion on Lucemon, the Angel of Balance?
I think she is a really interesting character. As I said earlier, I like that she doesn’t see herself as evil at all and genuinely believes she’s fixing a broken world. That makes her more compelling and a bit unsettling at the same time if that makes sense. Her shift from idealistic to controlling is especially well done and I could see how her frustration with others led her to justify harsher actions. She feels like the kind of character who started with good intentions but lost her way.
4)What is your opinion on the Angel of Energy?
He feels like a strong contrast to Lucemon. He is, as you described, her “voice of reason.” Where she’s controlling and short-tempered, he comes across as empathetic, patient and more willing to understand others. That difference makes their dynamic really interesting since it highlights both of their beliefs and how far apart they’ve grown.
However, in comparison to Lucemon’s character, his character doesn’t grab my attention as much. Lucemon feels very driven and intense with clear motivations and a strong presence in all her scenes. The Angel of Energy, on the other hand, feels a bit more passive right now. He has interesting ideas and clearly an important past, but I think I’d be more invested in him if we saw a bit more of his personality and maybe the wrong path he took. That said, I do think he has a lot of potential and I'd love to learn more about his backstory
6) What is your opinion on ElementalIrismon?
I found her charecter a little confusing. Mainly because of the sudden shift later on where she leads the Warriors against Lucemon. Since she initially seemed to be on Lucemon’s side, that transition felt a bit abrupt. I think her character would be even more impactful if we got a bit more insight into her thoughts or motivations, especially what led her to turn against Lucemon.That said, I really like the idea of her character. She feels important to the story, and the fact that she becomes part of a legendary rebellion makes her even more interesting.
8 ) Was anything confusing, unconvincing or unclear?
I think I've discussed the things I found confusing and unclear in my answers above
9) On a scale from 1 to 10, how much did you enjoy the prologue?
A solid 9! <3
10) On a scale from 1 to 10, how eager are you to read the first chapter?
I would love to read the first chapter so a 10!
Bonus: Do you think a translation for the Italian is necessary?
I don't think it's necessary because you kind of said what it means here:
Overall, I really enjoyed this prologue! I love the history between the charecters, their characterization and the worldbuilding. I’m really interested to see where the story goes next!
-Sana
Hi, Corv here! Thank you so much for sharing this Prologue to World of Souls, I hope you find this review helpful!
Was anything confusing, unconvincing or unclear?
1) What was your initial reaction to the prologue?
I thought it was interesting! Made me curious about why the story's world is the way it is.
2) What were your favourite parts?
I liked the first section as an introduction to the prologue a lot. I don't know a lot about Digimon but I found it didn't matter much.
3) What were your least favourite parts?
The paragraph before the prologue switches to Izumi's POV. I liked what is written but thought it could've been a bit longer.
4) What is your opinion on Lucemon, the Angel of Balance?
I think Lucemon is realistic in having her goals/motives/morals warped by time and war. Was interesting to consider why she was thinking what she was, even if that thinking isn't necessarily as moral or balanced as I might think it would be.
5) What is your opinion on the Angel of Energy?
An interesting character. I liked that the initial impression of them came from Lucemon.
6) What is your opinion on ElementalIrismon?
Neutral and very intrigued. I feel like we didn't see a lot of her, even if the story describes what some of her actions are. I'm curious what her motives are.
7) How do you like Izumi’s narration? Do you already have an opinion of her?
I enjoyed her narration. She's struggling with having moved internationally but there was some of humor woven into how she was describing and reacting to that. I read her as being somewhere around 17-18 years old.
It was a bit unclear what the Angels' various powers were, and what the mentioned war was fought over. I don't know a lot about Digimon, though, so take that with a grain of salt.
9) On a scale from 1 to 10, how much did you enjoy the prologue?
7.5
10) On a scale from 1 to 10, how eager are you to read the first chapter?
6.5 or 7
Bonus: Do you think a translation for the Italian is necessary?
I think that depends. I know enough Italian to understand it, but leaving it untranslated could add the sense that someone isn't supposed to understand what they're saying -- including the reader, maybe. For reviewing purposes, though, I would consider adding a translation in a comment on your work.
Hahah you know nothing about Digimon yet.
Also the age thing is a trick because Izumi's clearly "standard Digimon Protagonist"-aged ~
Thank you so much for the review and have a great day :3 *adds your answers to the spreadsheet*