Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Jontur II
Fringe World of the Terran Confederacy
Storm Season 2495
The radio sputters, a sweep of static drowning out the usual chatter. Then nothing. A glance at the display shows connection lost. Fuck.
I ignore all instincts that scream You’re revealed. Break away! and keep the Luchs on her steady approach. Her engines’ gentle hum vibrates through the cockpit, quiet enough not to disturb the rhythm thrumming through the bone conduction. The easy-going music gives a stark contrast to a situation that has turned considerably more difficult. Through the persistent headache, I refocus on the view in front of the Wraith fighter.
An ocean of crackling blue clouds builds vast valleys and unsteady towers as far as the eye can see. In the distance, the isolated dropship is barely more than an orange glimmer reflecting the morning sun.
Since the radar is still booting, I grit my teeth and twist in my seat. The headache doubles its efforts but at least I confirm that the two enemy fighters behind me have taken notice. The clunky Avengers cut their engines to drop into a turn. I’ll have a few seconds until they complete the manoeuvre. They’re all that’s left of the dropship’s escort, at least in this area. Far to the west, four more Avengers are guarding two other dropships.
Now that the tide of battle has shifted in their favour, it doesn’t take long for them to abandon their defensive formation. All four of the unwieldy fighters descend upon a member of Black Flight who also ignored her instincts. Black-Three’s cloaking gives out as her Wraith explodes. I suppress a flinch. I’m too numb with exhaustion to muster more than a brief flash of pain. There’s nothing I can do to help. It’ll take me at least a minute to reach their part of the sky.
The short-range radio comes alive, just in time for Black-Four to confirm the loss. Everyone else, now invisible to me, affirms that they managed to clear away. The radar is online by now, barely five seconds after the satellite controls failed and I run through the enemy position again. They leave us little choice and my heart sinks. It’s going to be either me or my wing, Lisa. I ping her and she gives her position back to me. That makes the decision easier; she followed protocol and has already disengaged. I take my turn on the radio to announce: “Green-Three continuing approach.”
I look toward the dropship glimmering in the distance. The compact form and stubby wings disguise its size. It’s an Albatross-class almost three times larger than a Wraith, a true flying fortress. It’s going to be difficult to find a good attack angle for the burst laser. Difficult, not impossible. I can do it. I’ll be in firing range in about twenty seconds if I can outmanoeuvre the two Avengers levelling out behind me.
I suppose none of that truly matters. After all, we know how the enemy operates. I fight down a surge of bitterness while the Luchs finally manages to connect to a local radio mast.
It gives a necessary long-range boost and the static on the command channel clears. I wince under a burst of furious Spanish. Then, still brimming with anger, our Flight Lead makes contact with ground base: “Green-One calling Pino. What the fuck just happened?”
Carla doesn’t bother to modulate her tone and for a moment, her severe face, white with anger, flashes through my mind. She’s been livid ever since we’ve been called back to handle this. Green Flight’s long past regular mission time, threading dangerously close to unsafe conditions. We’re low on missiles and, I check the fuel gage, low on vespene gas. Another minute and the Luchs will be running on emergency fuel.
I’m not sure why Carla bothered to ask. We all know what happened.
Predictably, the radio grinds out the static-laden response. “—no to Forest Squ—n. The senate vote fai—d. We lost the enti— satellite net—”
It’s strange. We knew that would happen. We’ve been expecting them to take over the satellite network for days. So, I don’t know why this hits me so hard. I tighten my hold on the steering stick, barely feeling my fingers inside their flight suit gloves. The headache pounds in tune with the softened beat of the music.
“They can’t do that!” Lisa switches to the squadron frequency. Anger brings out her accent to the point of unintelligibility. It takes even me a moment to decipher the several choice French words that follow. She concludes for the benefit of the squadron, “Satellites are planetary property!”
The Luchs, ever faithful, sounds the proximity alarm. The two Avengers, orange like the dropship they’re escorting, are catching up to me. They’ll have to rely on their manual sight to fire which will give me a few more seconds. A Wraith like the Luchs comes with enough technology to confuse the most common guided miss—
One of them fires. I don’t even need to course-correct to avoid the Pyron missile and it swooshes past my canopy, trailing a plume of smoke. Or they can do that and waste ammunition, I mentally correct.
The four grey-painted Avengers who made short work of Black-Three moments earlier are now rising to my level. I swallow my frustration, even though that’s exactly what I expected. They can’t possibly hope to take a shot at me, not after I’ve let their orange-painted allies this close to my tail. That’s the most infuriating part about … about everything. All this. I’m the only Wraith still left on approach, so every enemy fighter turns towards me. It doesn’t. Make. Sense.
They are disorganised, constantly cut each other off and are only out for personal glory. They leave two of their dropships completely open to a counterattack just to hunt down an aircraft that their allies are in position to take care of.
We’re losing to that.
“They can do whatever they want. They must have invoked Paragraph 715,” spits the radio, André’s usually nasal voice hollowed over the persistent static. He waits a moment while the squadron gives their position and attack vector. Then, he continues, the static beginning to clear away as he and Carla return to the fight, “The senate declares a state of emergency and boom, they can take away all our resources in ‘defence of the planet’.”
In front of me, the dropship is aware of my presence. I’m close enough that I can almost read the lettering on the side when it does a desperate roll that brings it into a reaching ice cloud. It’s a manoeuvre I probably would have tried back when I was still deployed as a transport pilot. If I still had a missile left, it would have been enough to confuse the Luchs’ unsupported targeting software. But I don’t and so I follow the ship below the clouds.
By then, the Avengers behind me have achieved a valid target lock, I’m sure. With satellite support, their weapons system won’t be confused by the energetically active ice clouds so common in our home skies. I glance at the display showing the radar data. The dropship has given up on a direct descent. Instead, it’s following the cloud formation in erratic movements. I forgo my own target lock. During air combat, the on-board computer never calculates the laser range correctly unless in ultra-close range. Something I’d rather avoid when faced with a flying fortress. The squadron might laugh at the thought, but I’ve seen an Albatross down a Wraith just by ramming it. The paper-thin metal and plastiglass frame could crumble under heavy winds, after all.
A direct hit with a Pyron missile would achieve similar results. It’s not the Luchs and her powerful computers who give the warning. I get the missile alert from Lisa and finally cut the energy to the cloaking module. It’s no longer necessary to keep up the ruse and I need the extra resources as I pull my Wraith leftward into a gut-wrenching dive. I breathe through the mask, living through a moment of light-headedness that I can’t afford right now. I know at least one of the Avengers is too trigger-happy. There wasn’t enough time for him to get a good synch with the satellite, not after the wasted shot just seconds earlier. I’m not worried about him, expecting his second shot to go just as awry. The other Avenger though has shown the necessary patience, ever since the engagement started and we jumped them, still invisible.
That missile would be lethal, and I can’t do anything about it. With the additional thrust, I make it below the dropship and heat up the laser.
At the same time, Lisa voices over the radio, “I don’t care what the senate says, we’re defending the planet!” and the shimmer of her cloaked Wraith pushes through the clouds above. Her laser’s already heated and red light flashes across my canopy. Her last Libra missile follows suit. I don’t need to turn to know that she eliminated the enemy missile. She’s always been great with the burst laser. She confirms a Libra hit on the more troublesome Avenger.
The return of the squadron has taken the enemy completely by surprise. They must have thought the loss of cloaking would have us flee in utter confusion. Instead, standard protocol calls for a quick disengage and a switch of cloaking frequency to shake satellite lock. While I don’t have room to check, I’m absolutely certain the remaining Wraiths of Black Flight will make short work of the abandoned grey-painted dropships. That’s all I stayed exposed for. Whether or not I can hit my own target is irrelevant though I won’t squander the opportunity.
I adjust the manual sight, the Luchs helpfully highlighting the dropship’s most vulnerable features in wireframe. Colour-coded for chance of success. Even a Libra missile would struggle to destroy an Albatross. With just the laser left, I resort to targeting the atmospheric flight stabilisers running along the wings. Forcing a retreat is just as valuable. I fire as I twist upward on the ship’s other side, the red laser searing across its rightmost engine. It’s a good hit. The engine itself is robust enough to withstand the damage, the electronic wiring not so much. Without right-side stabilisers, the brewing Jontan thunderstorm a good 2000 metres below us will eat the Albatross alive.
Thankfully, the pilot agrees with my assessment. The dropship fights against its downward movement and attempts to pull up. Part of its hull plating breaks loose. It mocks me with the Delta Squadron logo of the Confederate Army.
I check for the rest of the enemy squadron. As I thought, the two grey-painted dropships are gone. Their four Avengers are still another minute off from my position. My best guess is that they tried to turn back and save their dropships but realised that the effort would be futile. The orange-painted Avengers have given up on me, now that I brought their Albatross between me and their missiles. Lisa hasn’t pinged for danger, and I’m certain that Carla and André are somewhere close by.
I’m turning away when I catch something out of the corner of my eye. At first, I think the ship’s losing another hull piece, and I crane my neck to double check. A black space opened on the Albatross’ side. The alternative doesn’t even register in my mind until the first marine appears. The burnt orange power armour fills the entire frame. The dropship willingly opened its door.
It defies comprehension and for a moment, all I can do is stare. We’re at ten thousand metres above ground.
The marine struggles with their rifle against the strong winds and upward pull. The dropship fairs worse. It gives a jerk, and the marine’s armour can’t compensate against the sudden movement. They overbalance and are swept out of the doorway. The next moment they’re falling without ever giving off a single shot. Undeterred by their fate, the next marine appears in the doorway, this time rifle already in position. I can see the muzzle flash.
Alright, enough staring. I tear my gaze away, the sky in front of me clear of enemy aircraft or shimmers of cloaked Wraiths. There’s a strange pressure unrelated to the headache building in my head.
What… what was that? On this altitude and with our relative speeds, why did any of the marines think they could fire at me? Even if, by chance, they managed to aim correctly, their spikes would never make it to my aircraft with any damage potential left. I refuse to check if any other marines stepped out into their doom. I’m long out of their effective firing range and the dropship is speeding faster and faster upward with a slight rightward tilt.
The radio gives a flicker, then comes Lisa’s voice over our private link. I automatically translate her French. “Hoho! Marcel! Showing off again!” It’s as if she’s speaking from far away, not through the headphones pressed over my ears. “Did you really shoot open an Albatross door with nothing but the burst laser? You must show me that trick!”
I’m still on the squadron frequency but somehow, my fingers are frozen against the stick and the effort of lifting them to switch to our channel feels insurmountable. I… didn’t do that. I didn’t hit the outside control panel for the dropship doors. They did it to themselves. I feel strangely untethered, and my mind keeps replaying that marine, stepping out into the open for a hopeless shot. The dropship was already retreating. I was no longer in firing position. So why?
Mechanically, I ask the Luchs to repeat to me the last position updates from the squadron but none of the other Wraiths were even close to the dropship. They have turned against the enemy Avengers, chasing them out of our airspace. They’ll probably let the dropship escape. Given the way the conflict is evolving, there’s not much point to shooting down a damaged transporter full of brain-dead marines.
Since the command channel is quiet, Carla signals our retreat. Black-One complains, but Black Flight has left base barely twenty minutes ago while we’ve been in the air for nearly five hours now. I agree that chasing the floundering Delta Squadron into space is not worth it. I lean back, the adrenaline receding and leaving me unusually shaken. I close my eyes for a moment, breathing heavily.
Around me, the others fall into formation. Carla and André up front, Lisa slightly behind me. Black Flight takes position several hundred meters to our left. In a smooth move, everyone decloaks their Wraiths, the three-winged silhouettes filling out with the dark green paint of the Forest Squadron. Well. What’s left of it.
I finally unclench my fingers, give Lisa a vague response, and don’t really recognise my own voice. She’s already moved on to an open channel disagreement with André over the senate decision. Carla’s too exhausted to wrangle them out of the squadron channel, especially once the Black Flight members join in. I also wonder where the two get their energy from. All I want is to get back to base, shower, and hope that’s the last mission for today. Maybe forget this ever happened. In the upper corner, the satellite link connection blinks forebodingly and I swallow, dry. Right. No forgetting that.
It takes all the way back to base for the shaking to stop.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,777 Reviews
Hi and thanks for checking this out :3
- How do you feel about the descriptions? Could you follow what was going on? Did you at any point feel lost because of missing information?
- Emotions… Where there any in the text? How do you feel about the Main Character?
- Did you feel like this was an exciting start to a story? Was it boring at any point?
- On a scale of 0 to 10 with 5 being neutral, how much did you enjoy the chapter?
- On a scale of 0 to 10 how much do you want to read the next chapter?
If you want to make my day you could answer one, two or all of these questions! Especially the scale questions =D
Spoiler
Bonus: What do you think is the gender and age of the MC? =D
Hello! LadyM here with her long awaited review…
How do you feel about the descriptions? Could you follow what was going on? Did you at any point feel lost because of missing information?
I liked them a lot. It was a nice mix of action, and what was happening inside the MCS head. Nothing felt too jarring unless it was supposed to be. The only thing that confused me a bit is keeping track of whose ships were whose(enemie or not), but I got it after a while.
Very much enjoying the engine descriptions! Feels like I'm right in the cockpit.
The numb reaction to the fact that something just blew up beside you in the sky(okay nearish, its space. Stuff spreads depending on the gravity) is a nice touch. It cements the exhaustion and focus the pilot has. You're locked in on survival right now, you can't react to sorting too obviously.
The radio static is portrayed nicely. One is still able to understand what's said, but still “hear” the broken up radio so to speak.
Yeahh, losing to a bunch of fighters who are clearly fighting with the strategy of “i want to get the most enemy starfighters” is a little embarrassing…
Uhh rip the marine. I would do a double take too. Im verrryyy curious about what that was all about too. Its an incredibly dangerous and desperate attempt that makes no sense.
Emotions… Where there any in the text? How do you feel about the Main Character?
Yes! It was subtle but it was nice, nothing too melodramatic. The main character is cool, I want to know more!
Did you feel like this was an exciting start to a story? Was it boring at any point?
Yes, it was exciting. I mean how much more exciting can you get by entering right into the middle of a space dog fight.
On a scale of 0 to 10 with 5 being neutral, how much did you enjoy the chapter?
Uh, a ten.
5. On a scale of 0 to 10 how much do you want to read the next chapter?
Also a ten!
I shall see you in the next chapter!
Hi Tikaya!
Oh wow, this feels like I'm being dropped into a war. xD
First off, it kind of felt like being dropped into a war movie with lots of combat? Like, suddenly before you have any time to prepare YOU'RE INSIDE A WAR ZONE and lots of things are happening at once! Also there's lots of really... cinematic moments I guess you can call it which would just make it look amazing if this were a movie. Like, the stupid marines going out of the doors making their shot, the ships moving everywhere, the crackling of the radio with the ominous messages, the occasional quip from the co-pilot... all of that felt like this was a part of a movie!
Still... I think you might have to translate it a little better from the movie opening this feels like to a novel? Like, in a movie we can see the size of ships and see how fast everything is movie and kind of get a sense of the physics going on so that we sort of understand what is happening. We might not know what a dropship is, but if we see it and how big it is and what it approximately looks like, we can understand it's purpose. You kind of describe it as being big (I assume it's to drop troops out, considering there are marines in it?) and I assume it's slow but there are other ships that are less described.
Nor am I really sure what Marcel was flying... like, it's a Luchs, okay, but what is that? How big is it? Does it move quickly? What kind of fighting does it do? You have Marcel making all these manuevers, but he doesn't really shift from "oh peacetime, I'm just flying" to "whoops everything is fubar time to fight." So you don't really see that kick in. It also isn't obvious in the beginning that he has any fighting capabilities at all.
So... like. I think I would probably slow down and start the story a little bit before so we have a sense of normal. That way we can get a better idea of who Marcel is before he's completely stressed out and just trying to hold it together... and also who Lisa is. I have a feeling they're an interesting team, and I love how Lisa develops more of an accent when she's stressed, but it's really hard to see how they are in an emergency without having any sense of interiority.
It'll also give us a better sense of setting. Before everything happens, who are these people? What are they doing? Who are they working for? Then, as things get bad, that will naturally introduce the idea of an enemy and give us a perspective about that. Right now, everything is so chaotic in the beginning that it's really hard to tell what's going on except fighting. It's a well-written action scene, so that will carry you through somewhat, but it's a well-written action scene with minimal character, and we really need that character to cling onto to give us a sense of perspective in your story.
Also... can we talk a little bit about Marcel really quickly??? I know it's in first person, but it would be really nice to know his name sooner! You only learn it fairly late in the chapter, which makes it really hard to connect with him. Also... and this is going to sound a bit stupid of me but I swear it's a sci fi and you never know!!! At one point I was wondering if he might be part of the ship because of the bone conduction line. >.> XD Though, I'm pretty sure he's a human... I think. As for my favorite character, it would probably be Lisa. She had the better quips and seemed more interesting of the characters. She was also the only one to tease Marcel, which breathed a little life into him and made him a little more rounded... otherwise, it was just him being stressed out and looking at controls, lol.
Okay! That's enough for now! If you have any questions, feel free to bug me. I'm hoping chapter 2 is a bit of a breather and lets us figure out what is going on... because I have so many questions, lol. (WHO IS ATTACKING THEM AND WHY?????)
Nice! I have no idea whats going on but i enjoyed this
I'm glad =D
You could answer the questions to give me a bit of an overview of what you liked and disliked
oop- I didn't even notice T_T ill do it now
1. I understood it was arial battle of some kind, but i did feel lost due to the amount of terminology that was i felt very much like I was starting a fiction on chapter 3 or 4 not chapter 1.
2. It was a bit too fast and hectic for me to really think about that. I think the MC is pretty neat so far though, not enough information i suppose?
3. Oh it was exciting, maybe a little to exciting, it was almost entirely action and it made it a bit confusing in some parts.
4. 8, it was well written and fun, despite the stuff i mentioned already
5. 10, i'm going to go do that at somepoint.
6. Male and mid twenties/early thirties
No worries and thank you so much for taking the time!
I'll see what I can do about making ppl feel less lost!
Thanks again nad have a good day Hope
you too!
Happy Valentine's Review Day, Magenta Revolutionary Tika! Finally here to review your first chapter. So sorry it's taken me so long!
I'll leave my thoughts as I read. Let's go!
Ah man, what a stellar opening. I love that we're thrown right into a crisis. Loving the present tense - it feels more immediate, more suspenseful.
So as someone who doesn't know anything about StarCraft, allow me to walk you through everything I understand! The fear of being "revealed" tells me the narrator is probably on some sort of stealth mission on her starship the Luchs. (Do you still call them starships, or is that just a Trek thing?) It's a high-stakes situation where getting caught would probably put them in great danger of the Wraith fighter - some sort of armed enemy starship. I'm getting the sense that the narrator is alone and the Luchs is a tiny little shuttle or single-pilot fighter. Normally they're able to communicate with others on their radio but the radio has lost connection.
Oh this is LOVELY <3 You get a gold star on this description! Okay so we're moving towards a dropship, whatever that means.
Should that be rebooting?
Okay this is the first time I'm feeling a little lost. How exactly did the narrator figure out they were seen by the enemy (assuming that's what "have taken notice" means)? The enemy ships are behind the narrator, but are now dropping back, maybe to alert the others? I may be completely misunderstanding the "taken notice" part.
Ooof! So earlier the narrator ignored their instincts to flee, and now this other person from the Black Flight, who I assume is of the same group as the narrator, also ignored their instincts and got kaboomed because of it.
Cloaking, aha! That's a Trek term I know! So the Black Flight are definitely on a stealth mission and have the technology to turn invisible. What I'm confused about is that word Wraith - earlier the narrator had been refocusing on a Wraith fighter who I assumed was an enemy. Rereading it now, was it actually saying that the Luchs itself is a Wraith, and the narrator was looking in front of it?
An important and effective emotions check-in!
Hmm, not sure what "clear away" means in this context. Not saying you should replace that phrase because it definitely sounds like something a fighter pilot would say, but I could use some extra context here to know what that means. Did they break away and flee, leaving the narrator alone? Did they get through the worst part and are now ahead?
Okay I think that answers my question - everyone else is turning back but the narrator (I'll call them G3 for now?) is moving forward.
Eeeee the suspense! This is another place where I'm feeling the effectiveness of the present tense format. If it was written in first person past tense, I think the plot armor would've felt more obvious - they're telling about something that happened in the past, so of course they survived!
Dropped in a couple suggested commas for increased clarity!
Another lovely little emotion check-in. It can be really difficult to fit these into suspenseful scenes without making them feel forced, so well done!
Hehe! Love G3's dry humor.
Oooo this overarching dilemma is sooo intriguing! Is there some underlying corruption with how this mission was planned?
Yeaaah, that is odd!
General reader check-in: I am SO immersed right now and absolutely loving this chapter so far. Again, shame on me for taking so long to get to it!
Thanks for the little lore clarification!
Just wanted to highlight this really solid paragraph! I like hearing G3's logic.
Go Lisa!!
I can't really tell you why, but I like this sentence a lot.
Omg, power armor?? Now we're talking terminology from my other favorite franchise (Fallout) hehe.
Oooh do we finally have a narrator name drop?
Great way to end a FANTASTIC chapter!
Questions
1. I referenced the one point where I felt confused. Looking back on it, I definitely misunderstood what a Wraith was at first, and I also didn't have a clear sense of where those two Avengers came from. Otherwise, I was able to follow along with everything really well!
2. Yes, and as I highlighted you did a great job in this area, especially considering it was such an action-packed chapter! Marcel is level-headed, logical, and determined. He's got a fun sense of dry humor and likes to listen to happy music while he's fighting xD
3. No boring parts for me, honestly!
4. 9 C:
5. Honestly, a 10! If I was reading just for fun and didn't need to review the chapter, I would 100% keep reading at this point. I'm already really interested in Marcel's character and intrigued by what shook him up so much. I want to see what he's like outside of a Wraith and just as a human interacting with other humans, yknow?
Bonus: Marcel's a dude's name, I think. He seems to be rather experienced and cool-headed, soooo 30?
Schadenfreude, fahrvergnügen, and guten tag,
Wolfi
Hey there, Tikaya! As promised, I'm here! I'll write a more detailed review after reading the second chapter, but for now, I will answer the questions that you have stickied and relay my opinions with reference to them.
The entire chapter, the descriptions, and the narration in general was, in my opinion, intentionally dry and emotionless -- and I don't mean that in a bad way. Maybe the main character, Marcel, is nonchalant and emotionless (or at least tired). Some things are vague, but this is just the pilot episode so it builds more interest than it confuses. It was an interesting read in general, and although I initially felt lost about what was going on in the middle there, everything quickly revealed to me as I read the chapter. And I feel like that's great for an action-heavy scene like this, although I would have preferred a bit more imagery -- but it's great as it is and that's just my personal opinion.
As I just stated, the main character (I assume so? maybe Marcel's just the narrator and the main protagonist will be revealed later, who knows?) sounds nonchalant and/or emotionless. Her teammates (I assume) sound like normal people sent on a difficult job without much cooperation from the Senate. Lisa in particular sounded like she was really mad at the Senate for their decision (average French things, if I may add ;D). Same for André. For a scene with everything-action-everywhere, I appreciated the light touch.
I wouldn't say 'exciting', but I would indeed say 'interesting'. It felt dragged on in some parts, and too dry for me (sometimes) personally, but the setting and the context and the fantastic writing in general really interested me. I was watching a true crime documentary on YT and thought that was gonna occupy me till I sleep -- guess not! :p
To be honest, it was a good read but since I am a bit too used to comedy (ahem, Nine, ahem) and excitement in general, it came off as a bit too dry to me at times. I was really into sci-fi like a year ago and did read a lot of jargon-filled stuff in many occasions, but even then I feel like a 'slight touch' of emotion would made me enjoy this even more. So, in the end, a 7.5/10 in terms of just enjoyability.
10/10. I really wanna see where this is going.
To be honest, Marcel really came off to me as a woman in her late 20s or early 30s who is just done with everything. Don't ask me why, I dunno. ;D
That's all for now, heading on to the next chapter! :p
Lmao, I just realised that Spearmint and I gave the same ratings.
Hey Tikaya!! Thanks for all the awesome reviews you've been doing, and for motivating me to do a review of my own!
Alright, I'm going to start with my reactions and thoughts as I read through this, then answer the questions at the end. Let's get right into it!
Solid opening. It gives my mind something to latch onto to start imagining the scene.
This is such a gorgeous description!
I'm not experienced with aircraft, but I feel like it'd be pretty important to have radar working before engaging the enemy... Were there previous attempts to start up the radar that failed?
Ohh wait so were they keeping track of enemies using satellite before? Then radar as they came into range?
Why didn't the narrator also follow protocol? Or are they following protocol? If that's explained later, don't mind me being impatient XD
I like these lines </3 Knowing something will happen isn't the same as experiencing it when it does :')
Love the analysis followed by this bitter line! This, more than the jargon, impresses the experience of the narrator into my mind (though the jargon helps too xD).
Okay, it's nice to get info, but I'm wondering what everyone's reactions to the narrator being alone are. Is the narrator following protocol? If not, do others know? If they know, how do they feel about it? It seems highly unsafe to be alone in enemy airspace. >.>
Nitpick, but I'm pretty sure it should be "descent", not "descend".
Another nitpick, but this transition feels awkward to me. I think it's the "would achieve similar results" part; it feels dry and detached, and to me it doesn't really signal the action that follows it. I would maybe rephrase it to something like:
"Even heavy winds could crumble the paper-thin metal and plastiglass frame.
And so could a direct hit with a Pyron missile.
It’s not the Luchs and her powerful computers who give the warning."
Oooh you're ten steps ahead of me! So that's why no one reacted to the narrator being on their own (though it still feels somewhat risky to me xD). Anyways, that was great; carry on. =P
Somehow I feel like there is a point to it... something fishy is going on here. =-=
Alright, so overall, this was an intriguing start. My brain had to work through some things, but I either couldn't find anything concrete to critique or it was answered later. I think if I were reading for leisure, I'd probably just read through it smoothly.
You did a good job of slipping in bits of worldbuilding while also keeping the reader engaged with action and mystery. From what I gather of the situation, there are three main groups: the narrator's, the Senate, and whoever owns the dropships and Avengers. The narrator's and the Senate are supposed to be working together to defend the planet from the third group, but really, the Senate's just making it harder for them.
I don't have enough information to fully figure out what's going on, though, so I guess I'll have to read on =P
Okay, on to the questions!
I liked the descriptions! I could follow what was going on, yes. I don't remember feeling lost because of missing information, but all the jargon was a tiny bit whip-lashy at times (though also, that's to be expected when you're dropped into the world of a new novel).
Everything felt slightly deadened by exhaustion and a sense of hope dripping away. I was surprised at the lack of emotion when the narrator appeared to be on their own with the enemies focusing on them, but in hindsight, it makes sense since it was planned. The MC seems pretty serious and competent.
Yep! I wouldn't say it was boring; while the bits of information about the Senate and things did interrupt the action at times, it was never for too long, and they raised other mysteries that kept me interested.
7.5
I'm not quite invested enough yet (that will come with time and more info), but I am interested.
9
Tag me when you post it, please!
Hmm Marcel sounds slightly masculine to me. But I could also be totally biased here XP
Age, maybe late 20s?
I think this was a solid read! Thanks for sharing, and keep writing! =D
Hello, My Friend!
Hiya, Tikaya / Review Queen!! Lol, it’s me, Raven, and I’m here to review the opening chapter of this great story, using my Familiar method! Let’s dive right in, shall we?
~ A full analysis and breakdown
Alrightey, Chapter One and we're already cooking here!! You sure waste no time diving straight into the action, giving us a first-person look into this wild mission, our narrator trying to survive this mission against the Albatross and its defenders! Let's get into the details though.
Plot and Pacing: Very good! This is definitely one fast-paced chapter, but I also think you did a good job of giving us a nice amount of detail, without just straight info-dumping, you know? Every motion feels coordinated, with a word count to prove it, but there's so much tension behind everything that it doesn't feel "slow" or make me lose interest. And that's coming from someone who, let's just say...her speciality is definitely not sci-fi XD
Looking more into the plot side of things, I think a lot was left pretty vague in this chapter, lots of questions by the time we're done reading. But tbh, if I had to figure out who these teams are, who these people are, and what any of this means on top of keeping track of the action, it would've just been too much—so I hope we get to slow down and learn more about these guys soon, but for this chapter, I like the creative choice to focus more on the epic chase and fight!
Descriptions and Setting: Lovely! I wouldn't complain about getting some more descriptions for our characters, or these ships, in a slower chapter (hopefully soon) so we can have a clearer idea of what they look like, but I also think the amount of detail here was very fine and dandy—the ship colors, the sky, the brewing storm, the flashing lights and missiles flying overhead, all very nice!
Action: AWESOME! As you read in "Plot and Pacing," I think the pacing was really good, and I love how coordinated the fight came off. I think too many people who try to get into action writing just want to default to guerrilla warfare, where everything is just pure chaos and firing into the wind, and while it can work, I feel like this style of fight scene, where every motion has thought behind it and a thorough strategy, is not only equally great, but a little more realistic, especially in a modernized or futuristic setting, you know? Hopefully that makes sense lol
Characterization: I'm already intrigued by our crew here, and your main character! Sounds like they're good at what they do, but also conscious of the danger and the risk of their situation, which makes for those interesting moments of thought on the situation. I'm very curious what the group dynamics will be like for this team too!
Grammar and Wording: Overarchingly? Looks fine to me! The only thing that made me hesitate was the spelling of "maneuver"—until it hit me that that "manoeuver" is the actual British English spelling and I'm just being a picky American. My bad! XD
~ Some nitpicks and little recommendations
For future reference, this is where I shove the really little things, like typos or what feels like run-on sentences. However, I did not really find anything of that sort, so I think you're good! Great writing job ~
~ My reactions, theories, and favorite parts
It's a little too early to be creating theories, so how about we jump straight into some lines that stood out? Highlights to show what I think you did especially well, and just some reactions for fun's sake!
I like how you were able to build a whole atmosphere here, and what a great use of sensory notes! It may sound like a small thing, but that's what counts in writing—and I think sensory notes are a very underappreciated tool in the writer's arsenal!
OOO, this is so intense already, I was really surprised by that!! A whole ship just explodes, and that reaction, man—you can feel that in your gut. The helplessness, the sense of subtle dread yet persistent numbness. All very powerful, and unnervingly realistic in a way that really just helped this main character shine!
Ah, nothing like low ammo and a dwindling fuel supply to raise the stakes even more!! O.O
Lol, I like the bit of humor with this obvious fail and mental note (at least that's how I read it!) It added a little personality to the moment!
Good question! That was a very strange choice on their end, and even I could pick that up as a newbie lol! I wonder if there will be more to this, and why...
And to close everything out, just the perfect feeling for this main character to express. "Okay, I'm done, sleep time." I mean it makes sense, very understandable XD
MadThoughts...Overall, that was an awesome opener! Very nicely done!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
Hi Ravena! I'm so happy you managed to review this, despite it not being your genre! I really appreciate that :3
I've seen your method in action before and I feel honoured to be a recipient!
Haha, does it come as a huge surprise to you that I think myself an action/fight scene specialist? =D Play to your strengths, as they say ^^
I especially, especially like that you say my word count is well-spent. I was trying so hard with this q.q
First chapter is just to establish that our MC knows what he's doing in the air =D So dw if I ever get around to polishing the second chapter, we'll have a slow scene to explain some stuff. (And we'll get the best description of the MC I can manage. It's not much but I know descriptions are my weak point. The downside of being the fight scene gal)
I like that you point out that an action scene can work even if the MCs are all focused and know what they are doing. This is exactly what I wanted to convey!
Hach group dynamic. So nostalgic. I have all scenes basically planned out but have not really written much about how it will actually play out, how these characters will interact during downtime (Except for Lisa and Marcel. They already click very well in my writing so there's that). So you and me both are looking forward to what that will be like =D
Oh there is a reason for the British spelling, and the metric system and the Celsius over Fahrenheit mwahahahaa [And it's not just bc this is what I'm used to. Especially not the British spelling hahah Imperial system is so much better for immersive writing.)
Alrighty, I live for nitpicks so don't hesitate to point things out that don't quite work. Remember I'm not a native speaker so it might not be intentional!
I love that you have a theory section!
And I love your highlights, you made me smile so much :3
I'm glad the strangeness of the enemy behaviour came across :3
Thank you so so much for the review, Ravena! ~
You're very welcome!! Can't wait for a Part 2!!
Relentless tension and visceral cockpit detail make every moment in the Luchs feel razor thin, pulling the reader straight into the chaos over Jontur II. The battle's confusion, political fallout, and fraying satellite network build a world on the brink of collapse. The pilot's exhaustion and numb determination ground the action with sharp emotional weight. Enemy behaviour grows more disturbing by the minute, hinting at something deeper than bad tactics. The final retreat lands with shaken clarity, leaving the whole encounter feeling hauntingly wrong.
Hi Tikaya! I haven't written a review in a while, but I'm glad I can get the honor of being a reviewer to your first work posted on YWS! I still remember posting my own first work here, and it was nerve-wracking. Definitely takes a lot of courage lol
Anyways, let's hop right in. So it took me a while to understand what was going on, which is probably just a reading comprehension issue on my part. At the very least, I easily understood that our hard-boiled narrator (Marcel?) is flying a plane. I also tried my best to look up the terminology? I'm going to try to make sense of the vocabulary here so correct me if I'm wrong.
So the plane Marcel is flying a plane called Luchs, which is a Wraith, which is a broader type of fighter jet or something of the sort. I'm pretty sure you mentioned this is a fanwork, so I guess this is from StarCraft (at least that's what the google search illicited)? which i am by the way 0% familiar with so if it is this should be fun.
I looked up a dropship and it seems to be a type of plane that carries troops, so good to know! I'm assuming the Albatross is a type of dropship. And the Avengers are just more fighter jets (but the enemy kind) that are protecting the dropships. And the good guys (Marcel and co.) are trying to take down all of the above.
Also, the whole "Green three", "Black three," etc. was pretty confusing to me, but I understand why it's there (cause realistically that's how pilots on a team would address each other and themselves), so this is less of a critique and more of a complaint about military terminology in general
Anyway onto the line-by-line
I really like this description. It does a lot at once, providing more setting with the music in the background, juxtaposing it with the seriousness of the situation. Also, I was kinda confused at this point so it was nice having a definitive statement of at least the vibe of the situation: that whatever our MC is doing, it is getting a lot harder to do it.
I forgot to mention this before, but I do really appreciate how we're starting off the story in medias res, which I personally think is the best way to start a story. No critique here. I also like the descriptions: "An ocean of crackling blue clouds".
I like the attitude in this line. It really reveals a lot about Marcel's character, but it's a little unclear what he means by "how the enemy operates" exactly. I'm assuming he means their clunkiness/general lack of skill in maneuvering compared to Marcel and co. but it would be nice to clarify here what he means as it's a really nice character beat.
Well that doesn't sound good. I sure hope they don't try to ... keep fighting or anything like that ...
Okay, so we're starting to learn a little more here. It looks like the government of (Jontur II?) isn't exactly supportive of our protagonists' actions. Seems a little strange, considering Marcel and co. are trying to protect them?
Okay, so the Senate mentioned before might not be physically on Jontur II. I guess it's some wider governmental body (for the Terran Confederation? If it is, it would be really nice to clarify that for sure) that is loosely an administrative power over our protagonists.
Man, these Avengers don't have anything going well for them, do they?
Okay, so this explains what Marcel meant when he was talking about "how [the Avengers] operate". This internal disorganization really does better paint them as antagonists, for sure. And Marcel's disapproval also helps solidify him as a character with a strong moral code, so I like that as well.
This feels ridiculous to me, because ... aren't they literally defending the planet? What the heck is going on here.
Good clarification here. By italicizing "we're", we as the reader now know that the disagreement between the pilots and the Senate is an issue of agency, or who exactly should be defending the planet. Clearly, the Senate doesn't want it to be done by these planes.
I'm not going to pretend like I know what that means LOL Which goes into my next critique. I think you are doing a pretty good job at describing the specifics of these planes and their aerial battles (clearly, you are very knowledgeable and passionate about this topic). However, I feel like sometimes it's gets a little too technical, which may make it harder for readers to follow. But this is just my opinion. I tend to like reading stories that are easier to read lol
This scene is very well written. You really paint Marcel's disbelief at the whole situation really well. Also, I'm glad how much you emphasized the absurdity of it all, because as someone who doesn't really know much about aerial battle, the fact that they opened the door to shoot at him wasn't that strange to me. It's really nice when a character's reaction to something helps the reader understand how to react, especially with something very technical like this.
The fact that Marcel dwells on this for so long makes me believe this is going to be a major plot point, so I'm excited to see what you have in store for this. What exactly made those marines open the door? Do they have some sort of ultra powerful weapon that can magically shoot him down with the door open? Clearly it didn't work as bro just fell to his death... maybe the marine was forced to do that??
damn. I love Marcel's derogatory descriptions of them haha
Not sure if this is the first time you've mentioned space travel, but the fact that it is possible is a great detail! I really hope the story takes them to space in the future!
I like the dynamic and distinct personalities of the characters that is briefly described here! Hope we get more of this.
I like the idea that Marcel is shaking (from fear? exhaustion? despair that the senate doesn't support them? would love clarification there, too) but I don't think it was clearly stated that he was shaking recently before this. Maybe an extra line that explains what he's shaking about would be nice.
Woo, that was a ride. Overall, you definitely have a knack for action scenes and indirect characterization (especially of Marcel), but I do think some scenes can be clearer and the technicalities could be ... less technical? The terminology is really overwhelming at first.
Anyways, onto the specific questions! I'll answer all of them
1. Oh nice! I'm glad you're asking that because I spent a better part of my review talking about this exact point. Yes, I did feel a little lost at times, but I was able to loosely follow the story thanks to the action scenes.
2. Not sure what you're trying to ask here, but I really liked how Marcel describes the Avengers as very incompetent. If you're asking if you should be more "emotional" I don't think you should. Your writing style is very distinct and you should keep it. Even if your writing lacked emotion (which it doesn't) I wouldn't advise you change it.
3. I felt like it was a very solid start to a story and not boring at all. Not exactly "exciting" on my part as planes fighting doesn't really interest me that much in general, but maybe after reading this story, that will change
4. I enjoyed it quite a bit. 8
5. I would say 10 but I am pretty busy so I'm not sure if I will have time to read it promptly. So 9. I will definitely read it when it comes out, though!
Bonus: Oh, I had no idea gender would be a point of contention. I've been assuming Marcel was a guy (cause I'm pretty sure it's a guy name), but I wouldn't be surprised if our MC is a girl/nb/other as there really hasn't been any actual description that has significantly swayed the gender either way (that I remember). I guess he would be in his late 20s. Maybe like 28 or 29.
Anyways, this was a great start! I'm excited to read more
yosh
And I am honoured that you reviewed after such a long pause. Thank you :3
=D =DYup, it%u2019s nerve-wracking but I%u2019m glad I posted so I can go back to business as usual [reviewing, reviewing, reviewing xd]
You are allowed to google the ship names xd {Although I reiterate that it%u2019s not necessary!} It%u2019s all Starcraft stuff. I mean, I did make up the Albatross-class and the armaments of the ships but I don%u2019t think that%u2019s too relevant.
Jontur II is even a real planet in the SC universe, but it gets one throwaway mention and I was like: I can work with that.
Other than that, no canon stuff happens, and no Canon characters appear. Might as well be a random Sci-Fi story =D
I think you understand all that perfectly from what you told described :3
I really, really like your line-by-line comments. I kept grinning all the way through! [Why do I sound like I%u2019m reviewing? AM I REVIEWING A REVIEW? How do I stopppp]
Especially because you brought up some of the points that I was hoping would catch reader%u2019s eyes! Like f.e. the question of why would Marcel phrase it like %u201Chow the enemy operates%u201D! Or the questions of what exactly the political situation is! :3
I%u2019m not quite sure I have time to explain their relationship with the senat here. If you see a good place tho, let me know! (But I do like how you%u2019re getting closer and closer to what%u2019s going on with each comment =D)
I must admit that I was rly, rly trying not to make this overly long so I%u2019m cutting corners here and there when I should explain some things, so maybe that is part of why you%u2019re left confused at the technical details %u2639 Also, I read so many, like so many diaries and memoires of fighter plane pilots for this, all this has to go somewhere, dang it =D
I really like that you point this out: %u201C It's really nice when a character's reaction to something helps the reader understand how to react, especially with something very technical like this.%u201D Because it%u2019s a really important sentiment and tool to use. Thank you!
I was grinning especially hard at the next few comments which I leave intentionally uncommented =D =D
Hmm I wanted to go for the vibe that Marcel himself doesn%u2019t really know where and when he started shaking and just kinda consciously gets it under control much later. I will think abt this! Thank you!
Aww thanks for going for all the questions! <3
The most important part is that you could follow the actions haha and that it kept you engaged. For anything else, we have %u2026 the other chapters. That I need to write. Sigh%u2026
Question 2 is a direct response to my wife complaining that my MC comes across as emotionless. Now I ask everyone who reads it if they get that same feeling XD
I AM SO HAPPY ABOUT THE SCALE ANSWERS! I am a huge excel nerd and I collect numbers like a dragon hoards gold = D
I can assure you that it will take a long time before I post anything again so you%u2019re good =D I am looking forward to reading your stories too! What an exciting start to the day!
And to the bonus question: You would be surprised how easy it is to overlook the name %u201CMarcel%u201D at the end. And I%u2019ve gotten feedback that ppl thought until the end that they%u2019re dealing with a woman. I don%u2019t mind ppl getting it wrong. I%u2019m just curious if there%u2019s anything in the text that screams %u201Cwoman%u201D or if it%u2019s just that ppl know I%u2019m a woman and therefore assume my 1st person narrator also is one. So yeah, thanks for answering that question!
And thank you so so much for the review. You did make my day!!
Okay that's good to know about the fandom stuff. I'll just treat it as an original work then!
LOL you've fallen into my review review trap mwahaha. wouldn't that make this a ... review review review?? reviewception
I think there is definitely not a lot of opportunities to naturally explain the Senate's relationship to the pilots, so that will definitely be a struggle to add, if you do decide to incorporate that here. Mainly, this is because you're knee-deep in an action scene, but a quick internal thought or two (non-dialogue) from Marcel after the Senate is mentioned, just briefly explaining how he feels about them or just straight up explaining what they are/do would be a good choice, i feel. Generally, it's more advised to "show, not tell" (very trite writing suggestion, ik) but in this situation, you can get away with a little bit of telling, especially considering how confusing the whole situation is for the reader rn.
I don't think lack of explanation was as much of the problem as execution of it? If that makes sense? Like sometimes something just happens and then it just goes by without the reader learning anything new or understanding the situation. So in retrospect, maybe it does need more explanation. Honestly, I don't really have a definitive answer to that...
First, an emotionless MC is not bad at all. I like writing emotionless MC's (as I'm sure a lot of ppl are) because they tend to have more neutral worldviews and are more observant so it's easier to narrate. Second, I already said this, too, but your MC has emotions, it's just very nuanced, which honestly is better.
I don't think there is anything in the text that suggests Marcel might be a woman or a man. I did come into the story with the bias knowing you're a woman and thinking the narrator would be a woman, but after learning the name was Marcel, I assumed it was a man.
You're welcome! Thanks for the detailed response <3
yosh