When the glass doors slide open and I enter the subdued atmosphere in the cafeteria, it’s been twenty-five minutes since landing and I’m prepared for even more bad news. My hair is still damp from the shower and I can feel it curl in the uncomfortably hot air. Military personnel shares their kitchens with the workers from the adjacent Wraith factory. Everything smells faintly of vespene gas and the temperature doesn’t go below twenty-two degrees Celsius, even during storm season. I search the mostly empty tables until I find Finn’s signature green hair.
They sit alone which gives me pause. I thought for sure that Tuuli would be with them. On their plastic table are two trays with tableware and food. It looks like it’s potato salad. Again.
There’s only a handful of people waiting in line at the service counter. I automatically join at the end, wincing under the bright lights. I’ve taken something against the headache, but the pills are slow to take effect. They can’t compensate for the lack of sleep. I rub at my eyes tiredly and nearly startle when I hear my name. I look up and meet Finn’s eyes across the whitewashed room. They’ve finally torn themselves away from their phone and are waving at me frantically.
I guess that means the second plate on the table is mine. The food looks a little… chewed on. Finn sees my less-than-pleased look and rolls their eyes. They point at their table more vigorously. I glance at the line, smiling apologetically at a mechanic from Grey Flight I recognise, before making my way across the room. Finn waits for me, practically vibrating with impatience. Which is good. They look remarkably collected for someone who shouldn’t be here.
“I got your message,” I say when I’m close enough that I don’t have to shout.
Finn meets me at the last few steps and throws their arms around me. “Marcel, finally!”
I blink, barely shifting in time to catch their entire weight. My hands come up to return the hug, and I’m struck with how bony they feel under my touch. I suppose I’m not cutting a much better figure.
“I missed you,” Finn sighs dramatically into my shoulder, squeezing tight.
I know what they’re doing and for a brief moment, a smile ghosts across my face. “We talked this morning.”
“This morning!” Finn abruptly pushes away to hold me at arm’s length. They let go with one hand to rest it daintily against their forehead. “That’s practically an eternity ago!”
Against my will, the past five hours march through my mind. The interrupted sleep, the three separate enemy encounters. The loss of Black-Three. The marine falling. I lean further back, futilely hoping they didn’t see my expression break. “Certainly feels that way.”
Finn searches my face for a moment, a crease forming on their forehead. It’s like looking into a mirror. The same watchful eyes in the same shade of brown. The same high cheekbones and jutting nose. Under the green hair dye I know we have the same light brown hair. Even the sombre expression is familiar, although I’m not used to seeing it from their face.
“What happened?” we both ask at the same time.
Why is Finn still here? Something must have gone fundamentally wrong, something that had dulled their usual cheer. I’m about to insist on my question, when Finn raises a finger.
“No,” they say resolutely. “No bad news on an empty stomach!”
As if on command, my stomach gives a painful twinge. I’d barely had the time for an energy bar after we got the launch orders this morning.
My eyes go to the situation on the table. As I thought, it’s potato salad for the third day in a row. Finn’s plate somehow attracted two thin sausages, one half-devoured already. Now that I’m close enough, I can tell that my own food isn’t so much chewed on. It’s just messy. Finn carelessly traded between the plates while they were waiting for me.
I give them a reproachful stare, unsuccessfully trying to raise only one eyebrow. I don’t know how Lisa manages that. Must be a French thing.
Finn tugs me toward the seat next to theirs. “I know,” they say, laughing airily, “They only had the synth meat you’re allergic to, so I took sausages for both of us. Don’t worry, I made sure I removed all traces of their evil from your plate!” They smile encouragingly while we fall into our respective seats.
I make an unconvinced noise and pull a package of lemon-flavoured supplement from my pocket. As I pour the chalky powder into the water glass Finn got for me, I clarify, “I’m not allergic to anything. I just don’t like the synth stuff.”
“Suuuure Brudi,” Finn says dismissively, impaling a piece of sausage on their fork. “You get that red rash for the joy of it, gotcha.”
I sullenly stir the water. It’s not just that I can’t think of an adequate response. I can’t have Finn deflect now. So, I shake off the spoon, pointedly plunge it into the potato salad and level my sibling with a stare they can’t avoid. “Finn. What went wrong with the launch? Why aren’t you with the ship?”
Finn plays with their fork, drawing lines into the over-represented mayonnaise. “The Baleine’s fine. She’s in the hangar, alright? They haven’t kicked me from the team,” they say moodily.
I frown. I’ve never so much as suggested that they’re not good enough for the Baleine crew. In fact, I’d want nobody else representing Jontur in this expedition. The Baleine, a state-of-the-art science vessel, is the result of eight years of close cooperation between Umoja and us, the Terran Confederacy, and it should have launched almost an hour ago.
What could have possibly delayed the—
And then it hits me. The foreboding from earlier turns into dread. “It’s the satellites.”
Finn gives a helpless laugh which is all the confirmation I need. Losing the satellites to the central administration is worse than I could ever imagine. Tarsonis hasn’t just taken away our advantage during air combat. It’s now directly controlling who gets to leave the planet. And if they’re even blocking an Umoja-funded science vessel then no one is leaving the planet.
“They can’t do that,” I hear myself echo Lisa’s words.
“We were all set for launch by the way,” Finn says with a bitter smile that really doesn’t fit them. They shovel the last piece of sausage into their mouth and talk without bothering to chew. “We had all of the fancy Umojan engineers aboard, and anyone else we want off the planet after you-know-what.”
Finn’s talking about the brutal concessions the government made in hopes of preventing direct oversight into what started out as a simple trade dispute with the Tarsonis-based Falco Corp. It obviously didn’t help and now, people like Finn or Tuuli aren’t safe on the planet anymore. It’s the other reason why I was so glad that Finn secured the spot as co-pilot on the Baleine. Now this.
“Tuuli wanted to launch anyway. She’s furious you know? Never seen anyone get that red in the face,” Finn continues, their voice getting louder now that they are warming to the topic. “I mean, what were they gonna do? Shoot down their own people? Risk war with Umoja?”
I think of the doomed marines on the dropship again. The confederacy doesn’t care about any of her citizens. Weeks of conflict with the Falco Corp mercenaries and now even part of the main fleet have proven that.
“Umoja is in no position to go to war,” I say, deep-in thought. At least, I highly doubt it. Not over a handful of engineers. I try to catch Finn’s eyes. “So what now?”
They shrug. “Beats me. Officially, the expedition is just delayed. The Tarsonis bureaucrats are all over the flight registers right now. They’re talking about leaving behind the civilians we were going to bring to Umoja. Want to bet that they’re also gonna demand a different pair of pilots?”
A few weeks ago, I would have dismissed those worries. Now, I know it’s going to be painful reality if we can’t figure out something else. But I don’t know what to do. The Delta Squadron has capital ships in orbit to “monitor the situation”, and with the satellites, they won’t miss an unsanctioned launch. It’s looking really grim.
I close my eyes for a moment. I need Finn off this planet. We’re about to lose the conflict and if they’re still here when that happens… Well. They just can’t be here, anything else is unacceptable.
“Hey,” Finn says, interrupting the spiral of unproductive thoughts. I glance at them out of half-lidded eyes.
They are running a finger along the edge of their water glass and avoid looking at me. “So… how was your day? You know mine’s been pretty shitty, feel like topping it?” They leave the glass alone and stare at me with an intensity that goes beyond trying to make me talk about what happened.
It puts me on edge, not just because I was hoping they’d forget to ask. It’s also that long pause and the nervousness that Finn’s trying to paint over with feigned confidence.
“No,” I tell them, matching their intensity. I turn toward them fully. The foreboding that has congealed into dread makes its sudden return. There’s something else.
Finn makes another half-hearted attempt at deflection but then visibly gives up. Their shoulders slump and they lean back with a sigh. “Also… I’m sorry. I swear I’m as surprised as you are.” With effort, they hold eye contact and say something that catches me completely off-guard. It feels like our entire conversation tilts sideways. “Mum was here.”
They say more, how Mum found it necessary to take her first leave in months to make sure she saw Finn off. That not even she and her tight schedule were ready to ignore a separation of at least five years. That she would have stayed longer if not for the satellites that called her back to work.
“…You missed her by forty minutes.” Finn falls silent, still looking at me. Now it’s me needing effort to hold eye contact. Because I’m still stuck, trying to parse what they said.
All I can do is repeat, dumbfounded, “Mum was here?”
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,001 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Alright, I have a few more question if you feel up to answering them
1) What's your initial reaction to the chapter?
Spoiler
2) What did you like best?
3) Is there anything you didn’t like? What was it?
4) What are your thoughts on Marcel?
5) What are your thoughts on Finn?
6) Did anything in this chapter surprise you?
7) What is your impression of the conflict Jontur is under?
8 ) Do you feel like you’re lacking information? And if yes, in what areas?
9) On a scale of 1 to 10, how much did you enjoy that chapter?
10) On a scale of 1 to 10 how eager are you to read the next chapter?
11) Do you have any predictions?
12) Are there things you’d like to see happen?
1) What's your initial reaction to the chapter? It's very funny and makes me smile because of Finn and Marcel's little sibling arguments.
2) What did you like best? The way you wrote the story was what I enjoyed.
3) Is there anything you didn’t like? What was it? Nope!
4) What are your thoughts on Marcel? She's funny in almost a serious way. I love the eyebrow-raiser bit. My favorite character.
5) What are your thoughts on Finn? He feels almost like a comic relief character, although I may be wrong.
6) Did anything in this chapter surprise you? No.
7) What is your impression of the conflict Jontur is under? Almost nerve-racking.
8 ) Do you feel like you’re lacking information? And if yes, in what areas? No
.
9) On a scale of 1 to 10, how much did you enjoy that chapter? Probably an 8.5.
10) On a scale of 1 to 10 how eager are you to read the next chapter? 10!
11) Do you have any predictions? Maybe Finn and Marcel will find their mum?
12) Are there things you’d like to see happen? Find the mom!
Hello its LadyM, again. I love me some space stuff
1) What's your initial reaction to the chapter?
Finn's enthusiasm is making me laugh. I haven't really read a character with they/them pronouns before so it took me a moment to get used to it. But otherwise I’m settling in ready to see what's wrong(or right?) Hah, and they eyebrow thing was funny. As an eyebrow raiser myself (maybe its the french in me?) WAIT THEY ARE SIBLINGS? This makes sooo much sense. Major sibling energy. Love it.
2) What did you like best?
The sibling dynamic was really nice. Both of them having had a bad day, one of which just coming back from a literal finger numbing strange fight and the other now trapped somewhere they aren’t safe. I feel like Marcel is the elder?
3) Is there anything you didn’t like? What was it?
N o p e.
4) What are your thoughts on Marcel?
My fave character so far
5) What are your thoughts on Finn?
They are also cool. I'm curious if they were just a citizen on the planet in this base, or if they have some sort of job here like Marcel.
6) Did anything in this chapter surprise you?
N O P E R S
7) What is your impression of the conflict Jontur is under?
Stressful. Feels like a bureaucratic mess.
8 ) Do you feel like you’re lacking information? And if yes, in what areas?
Again, no.
9) On a scale of 1 to 10, how much did you enjoy that chapter?
7. Really only because I am also hot, and have a headache and don't enjoy suffering the same environment and symptoms as marcel XD
10) On a scale of 1 to 10 how eager are you to read the next chapter?
A ten!
11) Do you have any predictions?
Other than that things are going very sideways and bad, no lol.
12) Are there things you’d like to see happen?
Yeah id like marcel to meet his mom, poor guy. Especially given the shock of her coming back after FIVE YEARS.
Okay I’ll see you, probably in another story, at some point in time, in the future XD.
Hehehehe if you do want to read another cool character with They/Them pronouns, may I recommend @Ventomology's Loosely Lawful? Why yes, I am recommending this to everyone lol
Ello Tika! I noticed it's been far too long since I've written a review, and I was in the mood to read this this morning before work, so here I am! :3
This should be "share" methinks!
How can Marcel see that the second plate of food has been "chewed on" (which I assume means... picked at by Finn? not sure) if he's all the way across the room?
Wow yeah, a lot happened in five hours! o.o
Oooh, interesting! Twins? Siblings? Leaning more towards siblings because their personalities are just SO different and I feel like identical twins are more often at a similar pace personality-wise, unless they were raised separately. I'm really enjoying Finn so far, btw! They're a nice foil to Marcel's stoicism. With phrases like "I know what they're doing" and "sighs dramatically" I'm getting the sense that Finn's affections are somewhat theatrical but still genuine.
Okay yeah maybe they're twins haha.
Oh so they're usually MORE cheerful?
Not entirely sure what this means. They ate from both plates? They exchanged potato salad between plates? If it's all the same (potato salad), why? Is it just that Marcel's plate used to have one of the sausages and now Finn has them both?
Curious what "Brudi" means. I also like how it really feels like these two have a history with details like this, the way that Finn knows that synth meat gives Marcel a rash.
Great little paragraph! We have the sullenness from the "I hate that I'm letting you 'win' this argument but I have bigger fish to fry," the compelling sensory detail of a lemonade-flavored spoon plunging into potato salad, the sibling confirmation, and the direct jab into the heart of the tension that these two have been dancing around all chapter. I especially like how the stab with the spoon mirrors the dialogue stab. A lot covered in so few words - good job!
Haha, what a great sentence.
I'd think about moving that dialogue tag to just after the first sentence.
"people like" has piqued my interest. I don't know anything about Tuuli yet so it's hard to make a guess as to what that's referring to.
I'd rather see "Wanna" here. Personal preference.
Missing an "a" in there!
Can you convey Marcel's surprise earlier?
I unfortunately have to transition to work in a few minutes here and don't have the time to directly answer all the questions, but please feel free to send me any followup questions though that I will answer later!
Overall I really really enjoyed the chapter's intimate focus of the conversation between the two siblings. It's at the paragraph "Finn's talking about the brutal concessions..." where I noticed I was starting to lose focus. Umoja, Tarsonis, Falco Corp - they're all things that don't mean a whole lot to me at this point, and so the main anchor points I'm clinging to are mentions of Finn (like saying they're not safe on the planet anymore - that's super intriguing to me) and call-backs to the last chapter (the dropship marines).
Excellent chapter, Tika!
Wolfi <3
OH HELLO. (I told you I'd be back! :3)
)
Okay! So! One extreme to another, lol.
I actually... think this might be too slow? Like, I feel slightly hypocritical saying this because in the first chapter, I was like, "OH I AM OVERWHELMED THIS IS TOO MUCH ACTION!" But now it feels too slow? I sort of wish you dropped some of the action here so that it felt like more was happening and there was a clearer direction of where this story is going, because right now it's kind of vague and I want to see PROPULSION. Like, "OMG THE STAKES JUST GOT MORE REAL AND I AM NOW EVEN MORE INVESTED." (Best yet, that would probably make YOU more invested and more excited to write a second chapter.
At least make it more physical... if that makes sense? I loved the beginning where Marcel is going through his food and realizing that Finn (omg naughty Finn, lol, I love them, they're a gem) went through his food and ate it, lol. Like that brings some physical comedy to the scene and that is lovely. But then halfway through it's mostly them talking. Which, okay... and I realize a lot of the implicit action is in the inaction (Finn ISN'T going anywhere and This Is A Problem) but at the same time... I want something else to be happening, if that makes sense? Even if they were momentarily distracted by someone dropping their plate or something dumb like that... like they're having a moment and suddenly something interrupts them. That might be nice.
(Also, I am SECRETLY HOPING that in your rewrite, you have Lisa and Marcel going to the cafeteria together and Lisa being all angry and French and ranting about the mission with her coworker because YESSSSS I need that in my life. Then when they see Finn, Marcel can excuse himself and greet Finn, who is, as previously mentioned, a gem, but yes I need more Lisa in my life, yes, thank you very much.)
ALSO. This is going to sound dumb but it took FOREVER for me to realize Finn and he were related? By that, I mean they literally had to be talking about Mum, and I was like, "OH WAIT, WHAT?" Then I reread it a lot and had Marcel thinking about how they were like a mirror of each other, were it not for Finn's amazing hair, and I was like, "OH WAIT. Maybe they're siblings?" And now I'm wondering if they could be... twins? Though when you're that old maybe they just looked alike... my siblings and I look different from each other mind you, BUT. Maybe they look alike??? I dunno, lol. (Weirdly enough, I am also a twin, but my twin and I are very much unalike, lololol... for one, I am significantly shorter than him!)
OKAY. SO. I am digressing... let's go back to the Mum thing.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO THINK OF HER. Like... does he WANT Mum to be here??? He hasn't seen Mum for five years... is this intentional???? His Mum seems to be going into a warzone... IS SHE DANGEROUS??? Maybe that's why she has a tight schedule???? Like I have so many questions and so little context cues, other than Finn babbling about Mum a bit and Finn just... it feels like he's dissociating honestly and I need to know more. As it stands, I do NOT trust her. Finn's babbling and Marcel's dissociation seem to scream to me that there was something toxic and I am not sure about this. Something seems off here, and I don't trust it...
...okay. Because I know you love to get answers for your questions...
1) What's your initial reaction to the chapter?
...oh hello, I just gave you my thoughts, lol..
2) What did you like best?
Finn stealing Marcel's food, lol. That detail won me over.
3) Is there anything you didn’t like? What was it?
I know I said I wanted less action in the first chapter... but actually, I want more action in this chapter, LOL.
4) What are your thoughts on Marcel?
MARCEL. OH MAN. Um. He is seriously about to have a breakdown because he is dissociating big time and if he pushes himself any further, he is literally going to have a breakdown and I am CONCERNED for him and his mental health.
5) What are your thoughts on Finn?
A GEM.
6) Did anything in this chapter surprise you?
...yes. I was CONVINCED in the beginning that Finn and Marcel were lovers, and NOPE ACTUALLY NOT.
7) What is your impression of the conflict Jontur is under?
Major warzone and political collapse??? EVERYTHING IS COLLAPSING. DEMOCRACY IS UNDER ATTACK. (Actually... do we know if it's a democracy? They have a senate... but that's more of a republic... hmmmm.)
8 ) Do you feel like you’re lacking information? And if yes, in what areas?
MOTHER MOTHER MOTHER. Also, I want more information about Marcel's job... and Finn's job... and why they're currently together.
9) On a scale of 1 to 10, how much did you enjoy that chapter?
OH NO NOT THE SCALE QUESTIONS. *flails* It's not perfect because as I said before, you get knocked down because of the slow pacing, and there's no feisty Lisa, but Finn is a gem, so it's not terrible, and also the mother thing is... disconcerting so I dunno... I kind of wish there was a bigger hook here than just the mother, but I am intrigued. So above 5 since I am curious, probably somewhere between 6-7, maybe call it 6.5 for your spreadsheet?
10) On a scale of 1 to 10 how eager are you to read the next chapter?
NO SCALE. But I would totally read it, yes, to find out about the mother.
11) Do you have any predictions?
Mum is actually an antagonist!
12) Are there things you’d like to see happen?
LISA. LISA. LISA.
Hey there, Tikaya! I am here to a review of the latest chapter (as far as I can see) of Jontur!
Also, I wonder if I am pronouncing it correctly: is the J pronounced the same like Jotenheim? Is the word German or Norse? Is it Yon-toor or Yon-tuhr?
I see that we are back to the living quarters (...?) of the fighter pilots and getting food from the cafeteria and meeting up with an interesting character called Finn.
That's an interesting choice of verb to describe a fleeting smile (if I am getting the meaning correctly), but then again, I am not one to complain about 'interesting word choices'. ;p
That's a great way to basically summarise what happened the last chapter! Also, unlike previous chapter, Marcel's narrative voice feels more relaxed and less dry. Not sure if the contrast is intentional because the last chapter was more action-heavy and this chapter is more character-based... or if you wrote the new chapter and stepped up your game after reading the other reviews. Either way, this feels way more 'comfy' to me for some reason.
That's so cute of them! Finn seems to be a twin of Marcel or at least a relative of some sort. Also, nice little worldbuilding detail, I love it.
Is that Finn's way of affectionately saying 'brother'? (*Shock* Marcel is not a woman?) Or is it a nickname? Either way, it's really cute.
Although I always knew that the Senate 'taking away the satellites' is bad, I didn't expect it was that bad. I am not sure what the implications are here.
Don't tell me the Tarsonis/Falco Corp is transphobic and/or xenophobic and/or something similar and that this is a hyper-capitalistic dystopia...
That was a great, foreboding ending in my books!
So, tell me if I am getting this correctly -- there are at least 3 different civilisations involved in Jontur so far: the Terran Confederation, Umoja, and Tarsonis. I don't really know because we haven't seen aliens so far, but the names and the context sure makes it sound so. Falco Corp seems to be a beneficiary or mercenary company hired or based in Tarsonis. I am still a bit confused about the Senate: did they sell the satellites to Falco Corp in some sort of a treaty? Does the Senate even refer to the Terran Confederacy's? I feel like most of these questions will be answered in the next chapters, I am really hyped now.
Now, time to answer some questions:
Awesome!
Finn! I really liked them! I sure hope nothing bad happens to them... Also, I loved the lore and the plot so far.
Not really...? I am just vaguely confused but I feel like I just need to wait for more chapters to come.
Marcel looks much more lively this chapter. They are really likable so far and I would like know more about them.
I love them! My favourite character so far, even though it's just a couple of chapters lol.
Nothing really 'surprised' me per se, but I just have more questions than answers now.
Extremely confused. I feel like Terra owns Jontur, Falco Corp is an organisation that wants capitalistic domination even if they have to use mercenaries and that they don't like Finn or Tuuli for some reason... But the motives, what Marcel is doing, the whole Senate debacle, the satellites: all of them are still a mystery to me.
Every area lol. But it's just been a couple of chapters, and I wanna read more.
9/9! (*Winks* ;p) It was a much more fun read compared to the previous chapter!
11/10! I really need the next chapter to make sense of what's going on! This sounds really interesting so far.
Someone's about to die... And I sure hope it's not Finn...
Uh, I would love to see more interactions with Marcel's other teammates. I want to know more about them, they look like a fun bunch of people to hang out with at a first glance.
Anyway, that's all for today! I really hope that I get to read the next chapter soon enough!
Signing off,
The Rebel
Hey Tikaa, I'm back with a review!!
Let's get right into it >:3
Hmm... I think this sentence is trying to do a little too much @-@ In my opinion, the subdued atmosphere could be either shown through details (like a lack of conversation, or a comparison to how the cafeteria would usually be) or mentioned later. I'd recommend shortening the sentence, maybe to something like: "When the cafeteria's glass doors slide open, it’s been twenty-five minutes since landing and I’m prepared for even more bad news."
Hey, I'll gladly take your potato salad if you don't want it =P
Also, I wonder if you could slip in a bit of worldbuilding here... Where are they right now? Where does their food come from? Do they ever eat local food, or do they always import Terran food?
HELP the way I almost laughed out loud XD
...Pardon me if I'm being slow, but what are they doing? >.>
Hm... the over-dramaticness (shh let's pretend that's a word) falls kind of flat for me. Maybe it's because I'd expect Marcel to at least crack a smile at Finn's silliness before reflecting on the day? I think, personally, the smile ghosting across Marcel's face would work better here, right before Marcel thinks on the five hours and his expression breaks. Just an opinion, though!
This was an excellent way to show that they're siblings, while also giving us a description of the narrator!
Uh-oh...
Again, uh-oh... I sense family issues >.>
I enjoyed getting to meet Finn! Looks like more trouble's brewing as well...
I noticed that the story seemed to zoom in on Marcel and Finn once they were reunited, which works. I am curious about the "subdued atmosphere", though. What details does Marcel notice that lead him to conclude that? Why are people subdued-- is the satellite thing common knowledge by now, or is there something else going on, or is it just usually subdued?
Okay, on to the questions!
1) I enjoyed it! It wasn't as fast-paced as the first chapter, but it was still fun, especially with getting to meet a new character.
2) The moments of humor, like the food looking chewed-on XD
3) That slightly awkward over-acting from Finn, with the hand on their forehead.
4) Marcel gives me older-brother vibes. He seems slightly more stoic than Finn.
5) Finn seems like a younger sibling. I wonder if they're the favorite child of their mother...
6) The mention of Marcel and Finn's mother did. I feel like it's not super common to have parents mentioned in sci-fi stories (though I guess it's not uncommon, either), so I'm quite curious how she'll end up fitting into all of it.
7) Feels like two parties, the Terran Confederacy and whoever was operating the dropships, are battling for control over Jontur. But within the Terran Confederacy, the Senate is hampering the actual efforts to secure Jontur, for unknown reasons.
8 ) Yeah... what exactly is Tarsonis?? A planet that the Senate is from??
Which government? What exactly happened, and why isn’t Finn safe anymore?
I figure some of these questions will be answered later xD
9) 8 (I liked the bit of humor, and I get the sense that something’s going on, even if I don’t yet have a clear picture of what it is)
10) 9
11) Marcel will try to sneak Finn out somehow, maybe? Ask their mother for help, perhaps??
12) Someone appreciating potatoes (and by extension, potato salad) as the wonderful food they are. (Just kidding… mostly XD)
Thanks for another great chapter, and keep writing!! =D
Alright, here we go I am BACK for another review! It's been a while since the last chapter, so I'm going to be cross-referencing chap 1 and my last review, but anyways let's get into it!
So we get a nice little break after the action-packed aerial battle of Chapter 1, which is definitely a huge shift in tone, but I think you handled it pretty well! So, just to summarize (for my sake), Marcel comes back to the base or whatever (would be great to know more about where exactly is this base? In space? On Jontur?) and sits down to eat a meal. He finds his (twin?) sibling Finn and they talk a bit about stuffs but most importantly about how the satellites (I remember!) from the last chapter didn't just mess with Marcel, it also messed with Finn here with his own launch. Stupid government taking over the satellites...just let them do their thing goddamnit!! And then we get a bit of foreshadowing relating to their mother...!? Interested to see what's in store there.
So anyways, on to the line by line.
I'm not one to critique sentence structure and grammar and the sort, but I figured you'd probably like it if I mentioned some big ones I notice. This is one of them. This your first sentence of the chapter, so it's really important you start strong. This sentence is pretty long, and honestly, I feel like it would be much stronger if it were split into two. "When the glass doors slide open, I enter the subdued atmosphere of the cafeteria. It's been twenty-five minutes since landing and I'm prepared for even more bad news." This is because you have a LOT of new information here and it'd be nice to keep them organized: 1) glass doors 2) atmosphere in cafeteria 3) time since landing and 4) marcel expecting bad news. So that's the change I would suggest here.
Love this! It tells the reader Marcel showered without telling the reader Marcel showered. Beautiful "show not tell" moment
Sorry if I'm getting too bogged down in the sentence-by-sentence critiques. I promise this won't be for the whole review, but I just had to point this out. I think you do this more than once, but I'm not sure.
Basically, this line is completely unnecessary (from the reader's point of view) and even after reading the entire chapter, I'm not even sure if it's that necessary from the writer's point of view, either? Unless Finn is a worker in the adjacent Wraith factory, in which case, you should include this line when Finn is first introduced. Otherwise, I think it just confuses the reader with more information, which you don't want.
And I bring this to your attention because in both chapter 1 and 2 you tend to give a lot of extra information. Now, I don't know if it's actually unnecessary information, since I've only seen two chapters. My comment here is about the placement. The story is already pretty heavy with terminology, considering the large number of names and proper nouns, so when you're describing things, less is more. Give the reader something to focus on, to anchor to. For example: Finn. You could use this new character as a way to describe another aspect of this world. What kind of person is Finn and what does that reveal about the society that they are living in? In my opinion, this is a superior way to provide information to the reader compared to simply injecting worldbuilding throughout the story. Explanations need reason for explaining.
Okay, now I'm going to try to get to the plot LOL
Love the description! Also, Marcel NEEDS to rest. Forget the plot, get this guy 8 hours and a bed!!!!
I'll have to agree with Rox here that Finn is a really fun character. While I'm not impressed with his little joke here, I do think his presence is a really good way to shift the tone and contrast with Marcel's weariness. As you know, I'm a sucker for well-written characters ^^
PREACH bro eating is the priority here
idk why but this was so funny to me
Okay, so bear with me here. I'm trying to figure out what's going on. Umoja are the natives, I think? And the vessel Finn was supposed to be on was a . . . science vessel? This part is a little confusing to me, because aren't they fighting like a war currently with the annoying marines and avengers and the sort? Do they really have time to be doing science related stuff? Reading ahead, it looks like it was meant to be like an escape pod, sort of? As always, I'm am thirsting for more definitive explanations, but the mystery is okay, too!
This does tie back in to the government seizing the satellites from the last chapter, which is a nice callback. I'm very proud of myself for understanding that LOL. In any case, I have a feeling this satellite issue will be the main plot while the mother thing (more on that later) will be kind of a side plot.
This is kind of the opposite of one of my critiques before. Above, I mentioned that there are some unnecessary descriptions. Well, here, I think there's a bit of lack of explanation, especially at such a critical point. It says that people like Finn and Tuuli aren't safe on the planet anymore. Why? Why are they specifically not safe anymore? Does this have anything to do with the line about Wraith factory workers that I so heartlessly declared useless? If so, I'm sorry, and also you should probably move it here. If not, you should probably explain what you mean by that.
Also, the lines before that in the quote are kind of confusing. I assume it's about the specific reasoning behind the government seizing the satellites, but I really don't understand what's being said there.
I'm guessing he's thinking this out of protectiveness? Or is it something else. Hmm.
Minor thing, but I feel like the order of what he says here should be reversed. "Mum was here." then say the "I'm sorry" thing.
So . . . the whole thing with the mother. At least, I hope it is their mother, and not some person named "Mum." In which case I would be very embarassed. Anyway
Obviously, you're keeping us in the dark for now, which is to be expected. You need something to draw the reader in for the next chapter so good job with that. (I am a huge fan of writing chapter endings like this, too, if you haven't noticed.)
The reaction here is interesting. It's almost like Marcel is more surprised than usual. I mean, obviously mom's probably don't visit their fighter jet pilot sons every day, but the fact that you emphasize Marcel's immediate dramatic reaction tells me that there's more going on here. The "separation of five years" is a pretty big clue. Maybe Marcel and his mom had a huge falling out? Or the opposite: he really misses her? Or both? They had a falling out and he misses her?
Or maybe, it's something else entirely. Idk . . . I'm not a good theorist.
This chapter feels like a bridge more than anything. Finn's just here to brief Marcel and the reader on what the situation is like on land, which is a good break, but I'll be hoping for some more action and drama, which is to be expected!
Onto the questions!
1) A nice break from the action!
2) The foreshadowing at the ending. Really makes me want to learn more about this "Mum" character. Is she really a mom? Who knows... XD
3) Nothing! Except maybe the amount of proper nouns I keep seeing, but in hindsight, I don't think it's that bad.
4) Perfect MC! Always tired, but still perceptive. And a master in the skies as well!
5) Excitable new character that offers a nice change in tone ^^
6) Not really, from a narrative perspective. I mean, I didn't really know that we'd be talking about their mom, but it didn't really surprise me, it was just new information.
7) Interesting political conflict. You definitely know how to make the fight scenes interesting, but I'm more engaged with the crap going on with the satellites and whatnot
9) Gonna put 9 because I enjoy character driven interactions more than action (both are well written in your case, though)
10) 9!!!
11) FOR MARCEL TO TAKE A NAP!!!!!!
There were a lot more questions than last time. I wonder if this means there will be even more on chapter 3...
Anyways, waiting eagerly for the next chapter and for you to add a new little chapter button at the bottom (I will have to steal that idea in the future)
Great work!
yosh
Hiya Tikaya! Rox here with a review for your chapter :]
Starting with a bit of chapter 1, I went through that and I must say that I initially thought it to be a fanfic from Marvel! I saw mentions of "Avengers" and the fight scene seemed pretty intense and marvel-like, especially with all the names for things. But reading chapter 2 now, I'm thinking it's something entirely different. Alright, let's get into some of the questions:
1) What's your initial reaction to the chapter?
Exciting! Loved the sci-fi element of it and your way of writing makes it a smooth read! Going to the plot, I was sort of confused. It starts with Marcel at the cafeteria which is assume is back at the base after the intense scene in chapter 1, going to get some food and where we meet his sibling. I feel like I had almost the same reaction to chapter 1 - we immediately get into the scene without, in my opinion, any solid background information. Like, I know what's going one mostly, Jontur is basically in danger, it's losing autonomy. control of the satellites has been taken over by Tarsonis (question 7). But I don't have anything concrete explained somewhere or -although the different unique names for the planet, administrations and such are unique - the names are sometimes making a few things confusing or a lot for me. It would be nice to have a few lines/ paragraphs explaining the state of the world now, the people that are important gradually introduced, etc. I suppose that was question 3 as well!
2) What did you like best? & 5) What are your thoughts on Finn?
I have to combine these two, because Finn is such cool character, I am a fan xD I love how he starts off so dramatically and theatrically and later on we get to see his more serious and worrying side.
These are my favourite lines with him:
omg, so much drama, I love that
lolll true though!
It was actually when I read the following paragraph that I realised Marcel has a brother and who is also involved in the whole situation. Previously, in chapter one, I thought Marcel was just like another agent.
Thus, what I like best about this chapter is the fact that Finn is in it, he made it so lively in a way, and this is technically a contrast as you've painted a very grim looking world for us where there is little hope for the people on Jontur, and a lot of tension.
4) What are your thoughts on Marcel?
Marcel is an interesting character, especially because it feels like he's carrying the whole world on his shoulders - and he obviously cares a lot about Finn so the whole situation escalating to the government taking control of the satellites seems like a such a horrible thing to happen now. But! it is amazing for the plot, because we need tension and terrible things happening to the character so you can have the reader literally waiting and preparing for the next bad thing to happen and hoping to see teeny tiny shred of light in their future.
Furthermore, I'm not sure what's going on with the mother? As I will mention in question 8, I feel like we need some more information about that. Because as the reader that doesn't seem very surprising or weird to me? I don't know the stakes and her importance to Marcel.
8 ) Do you feel like you’re lacking information? And if yes, in what areas?
One of the things I'd like to see more are descriptions of the surroundings as it's a new planet, if I'm right, and given the fact that it's all going sideways very quickly it would be interesting to see how changes come, how they effect the world/surroundings/people, what rules are there, and especially how everything works in the base, their beliefs, morals, etc.
Moreover, I would love some more information about the characters, not paragraphs full of information perhaps, but a few lines that describe their past, roles in the community and such. And of course, all these are merely suggestions and considering them is entirely up to you! :]
All in all, it was a lot that the reader immediately gets in the chapter and yet not enough? I did enjoy reading about Finn and the worries that the two characters have now. I would def need to read chapter 3 to get more insight into everything and the side characters that are being mentioned. I am curious to see what's going to happen with the mother, but no predictions yet as it's only the beginning!
That's it, that's all.
Best of luck with the novel!
Cheers,
Roxanne
You answered the questions too!! Thank you :3