FORCE OF HEAVEN, FORCE OF EARTH
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140,964 Literary Works • 673,794 Reviews
Hullo there,
This took me a couple of re-reads to get the meaning. Thunder never strikes twice, isn't it? Your sentence structure makes it hard to follow, and it makes the reader less likely to keep going.You've got an interesting start, but it seems to me like you're trying a bit too hard:
What exactly is there to be understood in the first place? You might have something, but you're not bringing it out enough. Not to mention that you're going from bright [as the sun] to dark with no transition at all, and not even poetic contrast can really excuse it.
I do not think "naturalism" means what you think it means.
Overall, you do a lot of telling and not much showing. It sounds all pretty and intelligent, but it's very flat once you get past the capitalized words and the structure. Try giving it some movement, or imbue some mood on to it: right now, you're merely describing, and that's hard to stay interested in.
i think its good but the only problem i have is that it seems a bit choppy, but that was probably what you were goin for
Hey,
I like the word and the emotions are really good but I agree with lindsay it is a bit abstract.try and give it a central theme and maybe change the title to something short and imaginative otherwise this is really good.I hope I helped I hope to see more of your work.
......... july .........
This poem is very abstract, so I think you should work a bit harder on generalizing it to a certain topic. Reading the poetry, I am torn between thinking it is about greek mythology or the forces of nature as the title implies. Other than that, I liked the transition that you used. The flow was extremely good. Keep on writing, you have a talent!
~Lindsay