This is for The Official December Contest: The Holidays. Any comments are appreciated because, quite frankly, I don't like this piece. I think it's off in some parts, but I don't know exactly where. And I don't like the title at all, either. Any suggestions?
Christmas with A Mad Old Man
Snowflakes falling
Lights are blinking
The old man sits there
Alone and thinking
Buttoning her coat
She stops to stare
The old man smiles
She’s new here
He waves her over
And thus she goes
She sits on a chair
The fire warms her toes
“You’re new?” he says,
She gives a nod
“I’m old,” he says,
“And my name’s Tod.”
“Why do you wait here?”
She asks him.
“Because it was cold once,
When I was Tim.”
“But you’re Tod,”
She says bemused,
“But once,” he says,
“I was a young recluse.”
She sighs and stands up,
“This is a care home, after all,
I can’t expect sanity,
Not from one, not from all.”
There’s a knock then,
And she answers the door.
People stand there,
Two, three, four and more.
“It’s late for a visit,”
Says she to they.
“Never too late,” one says,
“On Christmas Day!”
They file in and
Greet the man who is mad,
“Merry Christmas, old man,
Brother, Grandpa and Dad!”
“Won’t you stay?”
Asks a little one of the nurse.
“No,” she says,
“For Christmas is a curse!”
“After the merry,
After the drink,
There’s nothing left
Not one drop, not one blink
“The food is eaten
The cheery faces gone,
You’re all alone,
What was the point of the fun?”
“The point, my dear,”
Says the old man who is mad,
“And to this listen well,
Is that it is one great fad!”
“On which other day,
Can you throw your worries away
And eat to your heart’s desire,
None but Christmas Day!”
“So join us, m’dear,
Don’t wallow in fear
For this great day,
Comes but once a year!”
And so they dined, and
For the first time in many years,
The nurse was
A part of the Christmas cheer.
This is pretty good, but you can hear that the rhyme was forced. It's really good other than that though. Keep writing, it's great!
Christmas with A Mad Old Man
Snowflakes falling
Lights are blinking
The old man sits there
Alone and thinking
Buttoning her coat
She stops to stare
The old man smiles
She’s new here stare/here don't really rhyme. Perhaps it's my accent?
He waves her over
And thus she goes
She sits on a chair I feel like this line and the line below are too abrupt together. Consider putting 'as' on the end of this line...
The fire warms her toes
“You’re new?” he says,
She gives a nod
“I’m old,” he says, Love this line!
“And my name’s Tod.”
“Why do you wait here?”
She asks him.
“Because it was cold once, Interestingggg
When I was Tim.”
“But you’re Tod,”
She says bemused,
“But once,” he says,
“I was a young recluse.” Try it re-word this. Either shorten it or add a comma somewhere like: I was young, a recluse for example
She sighs and stands up,
“This is a care home, after all,
I can’t expect sanity,
Not from one, not from all.”
There’s a knock then,
And she answers the door.
People stand there,
Two, three, four and more. Instead of 'and', 'or' makes more sense to me
“It’s late for a visit,”
Says she to the
ym.“Never too late,” one says,
“On Christmas Day!” You'll have to rework the lines so they match with 'them', 'they' sounds strange
They file in and line is too short
Greet the man who is mad,
“Merry Christmas, old man,
Brother, Grandpa and Dad!” cute
“Won’t you stay?”
Asks a little one of the nurse.
“No,” she says,
“For Christmas is a curse!” is the nurse the girl?? Try and make this more clear.
“After the merry,
After the drink,
There’s nothing left
Not one drop, not one blink this argument seems a little silly
“The food is eaten
The cheery faces gone,
You’re all alone,
What was the point of the fun?” fun/gone don't really rhyme.. again, southern accent is what I'm reading this in
“The point, my dear,”
Says the old man who is mad, why is he mad?
“And to this listen well,
Is that it is one great fad!” It's not really a fad, fads are fleeting. Christmas has been around a long time.
“On which other day,
Can you throw your worries away
And eat to your heart’s desire,
None but Christmas Day!” you already used 'day'. otherwise cute stanza
“So join us, m’dear,
Don’t wallow in fear new rhyme scheme, wuuutttt??
For this great day,
Comes but once a year!”
And so they dined, and
For the first time in many years,
The nurse was
A part of the Christmas cheer.
Tiger!
I think the problem is the rhyme. It is far to force and bleeds the poem dry. it makes everything you're writing extremely cliché and makes the piece redundant. However I think that would be the only flaw, but you can't really read into the piece which you can do with all good poems, as the rhyme is distracting.
However, I wish you good luck in the contest!
Pm me for anything!
~Your old pal, RetroDisco666