I sigh,
maybe it’s just time to say goodbye.
The monsters in my brain are the parasites in my heart,
they yell and startle me in some sickening type of art.
No matter what, I can’t get away,
my monsters are getting stronger day by day.
You aren't helping me any by saying to just stop.
That’s like telling the homeless they're already on top.
You fill my heart with hate and regret.
Even the thought of you in my head is a death threat.
I cry myself to sleep each and every night,
thinking of you and trying to make you see the light.
I can’t get away from these persistent voices.
They aren't an effect from my choices.
Or maybe they are, but you'll never know.
You run the circus but I run the show.
As long as you have control over me,
the light is something you will never see.
But, don't worry,
the lines are clear but I understand if you see blurry.
I can’t make you listen, only time will tell.
Sometimes it’s just easier to cry than yell.
If you knew this, you'd be able to see,
you're not really hurting me.
Only temporarily and that soon will have to cease.
I’m getting older and more and more at peace.
My feelings are something only I can control.
I may be digging a well but you're digging a hole.
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140,206 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Hey, this was really cool. I was afraid of the dark when I was little. So this is relatable though it is a bit dramatized. That's what you were going for though so that's fine. Your flow was a bit sketchy in some places. I like to tweak my poems till I'm thoroughly satisfied with the way it sounds. If you read it aloud too, that helps a bunch. There are some commas needed in there like here for instance:
Comma after "circus" since you have to independent clauses here.
One thing that will help you even more is using words that end in -ing or -ly. Cause usually those are gerunds and adverbs. They help sometimes with making your poem flow so for future reference keep that in mind. Keep writing and never get discouraged!
~Keepwriting
Happy Review Day.
As I read this over, I'm not sure if you're going for the broken protagonist or the recovering protagonist. There's little transition between the two, and I find myself wondering what's going on in this protagonist's head--okay, so he has monsters. He has demons, and some of them are caused by another person, probably a lover. He's in pain, he's in misery, but suddenly he decides that he can get out of it fine. That's all well and good, but where's the change? What changed him? He even points out that it isn't that easy: "You aren't helping me any by saying to just stop. That’s like telling the homeless they're already on top." I don't know, that's just my personal irk with the story. However, everything else was all fine and dandy to me.
With better transition, I think this could be a good contrast between the usually depressing poems about going through loss or misery to a story about getting out of it. A poem of rebirth, or carrying on, the sort of thing we need more of everyday. I like this story's intent, but I think you could build it a little better.
Good job!
Signing out--EM.
Nykolas here for another review.
**"
I read through Chrissy321's review, and I agree with her on a couple of her points, but I do disagree on one.
"You aren't helping me any by saying to just stop.
Here, I do not really think that the word 'any' is really needed. When saying it out load, to me it sounds like a little bit of a break in the flow.
**It is always a great idea to read poems and other works outlaid as well when you finished, it is way more efficient then just reading it in your mind
At this part of your poem (the one Chrissy was commenting on), I don't think the 'any' of the line is the problem. I think that it's the 'just'. I think it's a bit oddly placed. I wouldn't know how to fix that, but you can play with it until you find something you like.
I do agree with Chrissy on her other few points.
But overall, this was a great poem, and I really hope you continue writing!
Happy Review Day~
-Nykolas
Hey TiffanyToy! CHRISSY321 here do do a more formal review
*Happy Review Day!*
I really love this poem. The way you use personification all around to describe the monsters, and how you just put it all together. I just had a few ideas of things you may want to change:
Here, I do not really think that the word 'any' is really needed. When saying it out load, to me it sounds like a little bit of a break in the flow.
**It is always a great idea to read poems and other works outlaid as well when you finished, it is way more efficient then just reading it in your mind
Here I would put:
"You may run the circus but I run the show."
I think adding 'may' in there kind of sounds more correct, showing that the person may run a little bit of something, but you are the one in charge!
Here I think this would sound better as well:
Sometimes it’s just easier to cry than to yell.
The last to lines that rhyme, they are good, but I do not think that they end the poem well. I think that it is more a a middle line that would fit better in this area:
With the empowering words being there, I think they would fit better together there
*Also, along with that last line, you would need a comma after 'well'*
Overall I think this was a very good poem! I think you should take into account some of my ideas, and maybe work at the poem a little more. A lot of the time you kinda of seemed like you were just trying to make rhymes, and you did well-but I again think you should just read it aloud to yourself, and just fix it accordingly, and also add a more final last line.
Hope this review helped!
~Chrissy <3
I really like this poem, I can relate to the message behind it a lot. I especially love the line "Sometimes it's just easier to cry than yell," very relatable! Keep writing, you're really good!
Thanks so much