Young Writers Society

Hello, here to review!

Although it's short it so strong! I get what you are saying in only 6 short lines. The whole short poem is like a hook. I want more but I know I won't get it. I don't know if this is a truth of your life but either way it is heartbreaking. You make it have so much emotion so much sadness by just saying four words at the end. "enjoy anything ever again". That right there made me just sit and stare at the words and just think. Those are strong words that you put in this poem that packed a punch.

I want a story that again I know I won't get but I just urge to know more about everything.

Really great job, I will be reading more of your work!

_ from your friend,
@PlainandSimple _

hey! a short review you can say:

despite of being of just few lines, it was so strong. the message is just shouting out loud. i am just in love with this. commendable this is.

i dont know if its like a imagination or a real incident, but hearing it breaks my heart.

the way the happiness he had listening to that favorite song and now the sadness and anger which resides in you that he will never be able to enjoy something like this ever again, is such a great contrast. the great loss is perfectly depicted through this.

i don't feel like writing more, as this seems very personal about which you dont want to hear much and just wanted the people out here hear it and feel it. and you were successful in this.

best wishes to you dear.

keep writing

Hello there, Vagrant here for a quick short review.

First of all, I am amazed at how you've conveyed a deep meaning in such few lines. That's the art of this craft. You can move mountains with a few lines.

Coming to the poem, I have a few interpretations of my own about the poem and what it meant. You managed to create a vivid scene with the poem so that is a good feat.

All in all, I think nice work! The poem was very short so I am not going to comment on structure or reading experience.

Keep writing!
Cheers!

Hi there! Tee here for a review.

I want to start off by saying that you convey some very powerful emotions and imagery with just a few lines. The poem conveys the mixed feelings of anger, frustration and sadness all at once. I commend you for being able to do so much with just 6 short lines.

I wanted to comment on the structure you chose -- I'm not sure if it's an accurate term, but the hourglass shape makes the poem interesting visually, which I loved. I myself don't experiment much with physical structure in terms of lines, so it was cool to see that you opted to do this with your poem. Definitely engaged me as a reader and pulled me in.

One suggestion would be to change "never" to "ever" in the second to last line; if I'm understanding the poem correctly, the speaker is expressing their hurt and anger as a result of knowing that this person will never experience this particular song ever again. Just a small word choice/grammatical suggestion.

Overall, I liked the poem and I felt the emotion radiating off of each syllable. Good job <3

Hey TiffanyToy, welcome to YWS!

First thing first, I can see that you're relatively new to posting works on YWS, perhaps just re-joining? So I'm going to review your poem through the YWS Critique Sandwich style! That means I'll give you things I liked, things I think could be better, how I think they could be better, or what you could try if you wanted to, and then a good summary of what I just said at the end! Let's get started.

Top Bun: What I liked.
I really like how you're using visuals in this poem to show emotion. It's not just anger, it's 'explosive' anger which gives us that nice visual of explosions like on Top Gear or Mythbusters. I also really enjoy that this poem had a turn in it. The twist seemed to be that the anger only happened after the person was dead. "Before he could never enjoy anything ever again" seems to indicate that the "he" of this story is dead, which is where I'm getting that from. If he can't enjoy anything ever again, then he can't be alive, right? Otherwise it wouldn't be such a finalized thing. He would be able to potentially enjoy things again if he was alive, so he must be dead.

The Meat and Toppings: What may be improvable.
I do think that this poem could use some more substance. What I mean by that is that we don't really get a clear picture of our characters, who is 'he' who am 'I' and while we know that the 'he' person died, this could be just about anything. It could mean that the person finally accepted that they were transgender and metaphorically killed their male persona they kept to match their male body.

Basically, I think this poem could use some more everything. I think you could do this by not limiting yourself to a 'poetic' look where you have short lines that are cut up arbitrarily to make it look like a poem. Just write with emotion, with whatever character this is, in whatever situation this is, and Go for it. Really describe everything they may be feeling. Use descriptors, use exact references, use everything at your disposal and throw it into a paragraph. From the paragraph, try breaking it up into something that looks poetic, and don't be afraid to ignore capitalization, punctuation, all of it. Just write how it feels and that's poetry. That's the good stuff.

Bottom Bun:
I really enjoy where you're starting. You have a good eye for visuals and you create an interesting story with what you say. I think the more you let yourself go from a poem style, and write more free-verse, more free reign, the better it is going to be. That's especially true if you keep using your visuals like "explosive anger" rather than just "anger" to describe things.

Thanks for reading! If you have any questions, comments, or thoughts, feel free to reply to this or PM me!
Aley