I've found that everything is better with dramatic music in the background
blasting pride and arrogance for the third hero this week.
We are miracles, aren't we?
The perfect kind of wrong rocketing through space with our eyes on the mirror...
Mirror. On the wall.
What am I saying? Life isn't a fairytale.
They say, "the sky is the limit!" but can you believe that the stars won't let us touch
the sky?
Why complain?
Come, let us trample the Earth with iron heels.
Click. Clack. Click. Clack.
The world is not a bad place afterall.
But to the squeaking rhythm of our broken laughter
and to the breathtaking applause of our miserable hearts
Let us be free to kill
and be killed
Together.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
Wow, what a satire, ThirdBetrayle! What you have written truly reminds me of human nature. We are all fallible, incomplete creatures; on our own, we destroy each other. Your poem here effectively shows this truth with examples.
I have a few complaints along with some additional praise. First, I don't really understand the metaphor that the stars won't let us touch the sky; but I've never had the saying the "the sky is the limit" explained to me. Sadly, I don't comprehend the "mirror-on-the-wall" metaphor either. Also, "afterall" is actually two words. However, I absolutely love your repetition of the "r" sound in the fourth line: it's superb. The ending?--it was also beautifully done, and I like how the lines diminish in length from top to bottom. Overall, this was great, and I honestly think I'll read more of your work. Although I'm not sure about the meter of this poem, your good theme and interesting examples were enough to distract me from scrutinizing you in that area. Well done!
Haha, thanks for being gentle :p
"The stars won't let us touch the sky" is actually written wrong...I should probably fix that. It's supposed to be, "the stars won't let us touch their sky."
Many people say "the sky is the limit" as a way of encouraging others to believe that they can do anything and everything. Since the "sky" in a sense doesn't have a definite beginning or end, the saying sort of goes along with that.
The mirror on the wall is actually referring to the story of Snow White. The evil queen is famous for her small rhyme that goes "Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"
Thank you so much for the review, it was very helpful :3
Thanks for your reply and explanation of the sky metaphor. Furthermore, I'm glad I wasn't being simple with my comment on the stars and sky. I don't like missing the obvious and criticizing people based on my oversights. Thanks again for your reply. Best of wishes!
P.S. Go team Reviewing Is the New Black!
Hello there new rival! Although I am always glad to see more reviewing, I MUST WIN!!!
The main thing that I think is lacking here is the lack of punctuation in the last verse. You have shown that you are using punctuation, you do this in the first verse, so you have lost the benefit of total abstract. For instance commas would be most welcome after "laughter" and "hearts" and "kill". I think a full stop would go well after "killed." Which leads me on to my second point.
Your capitalization at the start of the line is totally erratic in the last verse. You can have them all capitalized, none capitalized, or capitalized at the start of sentences, but here I see only higglty pigglety.
Finally a comma is required at the end of the first line. Other than that however, everything is fine and dandy.
Overall I would give this work seven out of ten, but there is still definite room for improvement.
At the service of you and your literary works,
Take That You Fiend!
Thank you so much for pointing these things out! I will edit this poem as soon as I
BEAT YOU IN THIS REVIEW DAY!!
hehe. Black for the win!!!!
Have yourself a mighty fine Sunday
Hello <3 I'm officially in love with your poetry.
This didn't make me speechless like "By The Way, Your Mascara Is Smeared" but this is still breath taking. Please please please keep writing these poems and tell me when you do because I would love to read anything you write <3
Okay, this is beautiful! I love how in the last stanza is mixing terrible words with beautiful words.
It makes it a broken kind of beautiful, which is what I love to write
With love,
Kammies.
I like the style. Very simplistic, yet heart spoken in its own way. I do agree that it needs a little more, because it is difficult to understand, but it's still its own kind of perfect.
I also agree that it's something that you might hear at a poetry slam.
I'll gladly check out your other poem after this! i hope to see more like this.
Good luck to you!
Either this lacked context, or I lack the ability to understand this. Any way, I found it interesting, going from one theme to another. It would be perfect for a Poetry Slam night, but it still needs some sort of red thread (as my fifth grade techer called it) so the reader would properly understand what it's about.
Keep up the good work,
Okay :3
Thanks for pointing this out to me. I will continue to work on it because I felt the same way about it but I've yet to think of a way to improve it