Murmurs

by The_Vizier

Published October 30, 2008

In my poems

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Murmurs
Cross across the sea,
come find me; the waves are reeling.
Sound found the noise,
of my lost voice; children are weeping.
(The) mad sad light,
robbed me of sight; the dark is creeping.
Mend amend the lot,
my crimes were caught; the jury is sleeping.

Soon noon shall stall,
the sun will fall; the days are dying.
Young unsung heroes flee
to the apple tree; their tales were lying.
(The) date fate has struck
gears of time have stuck; where is this going?
Write right words on a page,
lock thoughts in a cage; the end of freedom is coming.

Chase praise in works of men,
black heart, black ink of a pen; read the unsaid saying-
Glow slow like a star,
we have come afar; this world is smoking.
(The) old cold metal chyme
sings an abstract rhyme; the winds are blowing
past last hurdles of mine,
I feel fine; because new seeds we are sowing.

Comments & reviews · 2
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niteowl
Review
niteowl wrote a review Review · Oct 31, 2008

I thought you did some fun things with word play and rhyming in here, and it flowed well. At first, I wasn't certain if all the interesting-sounding words actually tied in together, but it made more sense after a couple read-throughs.

A couple things that confused me:

Why the sudden change from first person to third then back to first? Is "me/we" supposed to represent someone/something in particular?

Why (the) in parentheses? I don't think they really need to be there.

And a minor spelling thing: "chime" not "chyme".

Overall, this was an enjoyable read. Good job!



Spend your days thinking about things that are good and true and beautiful and noble, and you will become good and true and beautiful and noble.
— Matthew Kelly